unevitably aboard the D train...

[cat03]

When I first started posting here i wasn't truly 100% sure it'd happen, now I know for sure it will.
Here is my background, never did introduced myself properly:

Married 10yrs, 2 children, H was was first real boyfriend, H suffers from depression and ADHD, never got full treatment for neither. I got a wake up call then H left in 05, I was a nagging, too tired for sex wife who was overwhelmed with housework and kids, H hardly ever helped. I'd complained he'd retract, ate up his misery, I truly did loved him, we just didn't know how to communicate.
H went downhill after the birth of our d, left church, fell w/wrong crowd, left home in 05 for 8mths, was seing ow, came back too fast "I'm tired of being alone" was his line and i was just too glad to have him back to realize it was the wrong reason. I changed radically, lost weight, looked much nicer, gave him more of my time, my attention, let things go around the house, made him my priority. H focused only on his brand new job as cop, I was in the back burner, gave him all the time he wanted.
OW thought he was D, so contacted him in mid 06, PA resumed as he lied to me about his wereabouts and about $ i'd give him. I find out, he cuts tells me it's over, tells her to give him time, we still go to C, he shuns me, sleeps downstairs.
Ow never really left the pict, I find him in her home before Christmas, find 2 phones, all sorts of evidence. He flip flops, go to C, still w/ow (find out later he trashed me w/ow, tells her im unfit mom, denied him sex, was a nut,etc).
We do a mutual S in jan so he can figure himself out, still w/ow despite her threating his job, bad mouthing kids, him finding out she got paid for sleeping with an old guy and for sex picts.

The reasons he wants a D: he never was happy, was in the M for duty, we are incopatible, I"m too "rough", will never treat him as an individual and beated him down (refuses altogheter to talk about the last 2yrs we were piecing when things seemed to be alright between us).

We had another round of txts, I got too upset, he really wants this over and now, says he's moving on and to stop stalling.

I truly have lost any hope of ever having anything w/him in the future, he believes the worst of me, despite all the times I forgave him awful stuff and turned my life around. God knows how much I've suffered, perhaps this is truly for the best.

----------------------------------------------
We had some changes to our agreement about he house and stuff, going to mediator tomorrow to iron out last details, bet he'll file soon after we sign, keep me in your thoughts, I will go to se my L of course before I sign anything.
Well, at least i dont' think of this mess 1hr out of 24, that's a start huh? it always floats in my mind the entire time I'm awake, I pray this goes away as time goes by, trying to keep busy, friends and family are wonderful and back me up.

[HappyToday]

I'm first again! Wow, am on a roll. But it's early and I'll have a cup 'o joe.

T2,

It's so strange how parallel our stories are once we get to surviving. It's as if our STBX's never saw any good in us at all. But they had to T2. they married us and had children with us. Instead of being honest with themselves, they have to say it was us because of their sheer audacity.

I'm pleased you get that hour now. Pretty soon it will be 2, then 3, then all of them.

Don't beat yourself up about something someone else does. Take care of yourself and your kids. That will make you better.

[ACJ]

Cat,

I hear you.

says he's moving on and to stop stalling

If he wants this D let HIM do all the hard work. It seems to me like it is him who is stalling right now.

Be good to yourself. You are a survivor, you will continue to be that way

[cat03]

thanks gals)))))))) I had to go back to my thread in "piecing" and see that I truly did give 110% and that asking for validation from H is an exercise in futility.

Just came from mediator, went pretty well, only once I called on H's whining of "I not get to be on a small appt..." crap, but we did get stuff done faster than last time-- though through some adjustments I end up owing him more than I thought, bummer, but in the overall scheme of things I get to keep the house and keep my kids in their usual routine and environment.

It's sort of ironic, I actually feel good that we ironed out the details, even if that means it's all nice and set up for when he wants to file.

After paying him and him paying me CS I will have enough to live by, a small cushion if something were to happen, but God first I will keep doing fine.

[oldtimer]

Cat,

Glad mediation went well.

Stick to business with STBX. The R talk is not going to help anything at this point.

[LoginName]

Hi cat, or t2sp, or ?
Thinking of you. Wishing the best for you. Here comes the next part of your life. It'll have a lot of joy in it.

[cat03]

thanks OT, it was much painless than I'd thought it'd be.

LN)))))))))))) thanks for visiting me it's so nice to see you.

I just realized, that if tonight my H would say to me he wants to try to fix things and move back in, it'd be more of the same, more of his aloofness, more of his alienation. He truly was miserable here, I understand not because of me but because of what is eating him inside. He agrees with this, that there is so much wrong with him it will take a long time to set himself right.

I think I'm evolving into the next stage: acceptance. I have been in shock this entire time, not really taking in all that was happening to me. I'm now used to not having him call me nor walk with my cell phone throughout the house. Again, I'm so glad I took off the txt msg feature of my cell or i'd be tempted to check my phone or, heaven forbid, text him.

[believing_isaiah43]

just caught up again {{{cat}}}, you're doing so well. no, really. you TOTALLY are. i am so proud of you.

leaving town for 4 days (to the inlaws, pray for me! ha. someday i'll get back to posting my crap, or at least a brief synopsis.) but wanted you to know i'm checking in and always on your side. ::smooch!::

and HAPPY RESURRECTION DAY! mighty fine time to start a new life!

[cat03]

hey hon))))))))))))))love to see you here, hope you have a great weekend at the inlaws, lol, take care toots)))

[Matilda2]

I had to go back to my thread in "piecing" and see that I truly did give 110%

What a terrific idea! Going back to my old threads will probably help me get past the sadness faster. Thanks!