ADVICE Giving and Receiving

[sgctxok]

There's a lot of advice all over the board. And a lot of folks requesting advice. You want to help. How do you know if you're giving good advice?

Most folks here are looking for hope. Looking for answers. Looking for a CHANCE to save their marriage. Some have been delivered a bomb. Some are just not satisfied, or their partners aren't quite satisfied....they want to make things better.

When you read someone else's story, you get a feeling. You may have seen something similar, you may have an opinion. Or you may not have a clue ... but you want to help.

THAT'S GREAT. You can ALWAYS offer SUPPORT. Or point them to some idea you think they can try ... especially one of the creative solutions in Divorce Remedy. Or tell them what worked for YOU. Or tell them what DIDN'T WORK for you...

Unless someone is seriously being abused, we should never encourage someone to leave their spouse. People come here to be uplifted, to get hope...to learn to do things differently.


No one can ever tell you or anyone else when a marriage is over. That's a decision only you can make. We've seen literally thousands of marriages survive and thrive after many would have thrown in the towel. Here we help you come up with creative solutions to help you save your marriage!

If someone decides to leave, if they feel they have given enough....we should support them, or challenge them, if that's necessary.


As Michele tells therapists....if you really feel there is no hope...fire yourself.

[qoe100]

Unless someone is seriously being abused, we should never encourage someone to leave their spouse. People come here to be uplifted, to get hope...to learn to do things differently. [/b][/i]

What if the spouse isn't physically abusive but wanders back and forth between you and OW/OM for YEARS!!!! What if your spouse marries OW/OM? What if your spouse is consistently adamant that the M is over? What if spouse continuously cheats and you've given him/her chance after chance?

There really are times when you have to let them go and save yourself and your children. Putting your kids through this type of R is, IMO, worse than just kicking the dirtballs out and moving on with your life.

That's my 2 cents!!! I was miserable in my M. He was not abusive just couldn't seem to be faithful......for years. I stayed with him until our D graduated from HS. Now that I've seen how great life can be, I wish I would've kicked him out sooner. I feel like I wasted most of my life "trying" to make our M work. By the time it was over, I not only hated him but I hated myself for being such a sap.

[JenInVen]

qoe,

I think that what you're describing is emotional abuse and for me that also would be grounds to leave your S or for someone to be encouraged to leave.

I don't know but for me any kind of abuse is grounds.

Jen

[BarbieDoll]

Well, I DID try to save my marriage. I did everything that I could, but he had made up his mind. He had moved on and wanted to marry OW. I read DB and DR and spent much time on the bb. I did some things right and I made a lot of mistakes. The problem that I have with it all is putting all the onus on me if it didn't work out.

The thing is - it takes 2 people to make a marriage work. They both have to want it.

But I have no regrets for trying. If I hadn't - I probably would. I know that I did everything I could and I can look my children in the eye and tell them that. It was out of my control.

I don't encourage posters to beat a dead horse. I do try to support people who want to save their marriage. But there is a point that they must get on with their life. No, I don't mean a month after separation - I mean a year or 2 later if there has been no change and nothing works. I would not encourage someone to keep hanging on and hoping. Life is too wonderful. I would encourage that person to get on with it. I don't mean going out and finding someone new. I mean - finding new ways to enjoy life. Learning to live on your own and love yourself. Learning that life goes on and it is for the living. And if, eventually, that means finding someone new - then that's ok. But all in due time.

So, I would NEVER encourage someone to go back to an abusive situation but I would also not encourage someone to keep working on a one way marriage for a LONG period of time.

Barb

[sgctxok]

It's up to THEM to decide. If YOU've decided it's over for THEM...don't give them advice.

[qoe100]

It's up to THEM to decide. If YOU've decided it's over for THEM...don't give them advice.

So, in your opinion, we're to "only" give advice if we're encouraging them to stay in the M? We're not to encourage them to get a backbone and say "You and your kids deserve better, get out?" We're not to let them see that there is life after D and that it can be wonderful?

Seriously, sgctxok, this has been a huge problem for many here. We see people here hanging on for years waiting for the spouse to "snap out of it." If I had stayed in my M, I would've missed out on what has become the happiest time in my life. I put up with X cheating for 18 of the 23 yrs we were together. I DB'd my butt off to no avail. We went to a C. Like Barb said, both people have to want the M to work. My X would've been delighted to continue on with the M as usual. I wanted and deserved more. I wanted to love and respect myself again. Took a long time to get to that point.

Again......if we aren't encouraging them to stay in the M, do not post to them?

[BarbieDoll]

I don't think there is a "BLANKET" reply to everyone or the same advice for each situation. There is no way that despite many similarities - any situation is the same or warrants the same approach.

My ex had a history of breakdowns, violence, emotional and verbal abuse, even some bizarre behaviour resulting in arrest. Would you give me the same "Stay With Him" advice as you would give to anyone else? I think not - if so - that is unhealthy and perhaps unsafe.

When my M broke up I feared violent retalitation for months. And there was "stuff". This is all despite the fact that HE was cheating and moved right on in with his OW. He continues to blame me for abandoning him despite the fact he was the one who left. Makes no sense at all. But I do feel that the longer I held on the the fantasy of him returning (as I was encouraged to do so), the longer it took me to begin to pick up my pieces and move on.

So, although there is much to be said for trying to work things out or wait it out. There is not a "One Size Fits All" answer.

Walk a mile in my shoes.

Barb

[sgctxok]

I understand your reasons for leaving. I left an abusive situation myself. I came to DB post divorce and there's no way I still would have DBd my exH. Except to diffuse the situations. I would have learned skills that would have helped me to do things differently and would have been better for my kids. It would have helped me during the divorce and times when I was afraid. It helps me diffuse things NOW....because 15 years later he is the same way.

I am not saying encourage someone who is being abused to leave or not get out.

But you are also not walking in their shoes.


I have jad to fire myself before too....and it was the right thing to do because someone else stepped in and offered another insight.

[troubled_husband]

If you are saying to keep it in the 'I', (that is say what happened to you instead of telling people what to do) that may just be healthy communications. But if you are telling people not to share the down side, at least for me, that would keep me from making well informed decisions. The up and down sides of both directions need to be clear (at least somewhat) before a good decision can be made.

Physical abuse can be fairly easily defined (although in my case my W would argue that). Emotional and verbal abuse are much more subjective. What doesn't even bother one person, may bring another person to the point of emotional breakdown (and visa versa).

I think that it is possible to abuse people on a discussion board as well. A good starting point is, if it is abusive face to face, then it is abusive in any discussion. Trying to manipulate or control a personal decision fits the definition of emotional abuse. Providing information in a respectful manner does not (even if that information is not politically correct).

I'm curious. If you don't mind sharing, what types of abuse did you deal with that made you decide it was time to give up?

Just my 2 cents worth.

toubled husband

[Just_Me]

I agree, no one can tell you when you're marriage is over, primarily because the LBS wouldn't listen anyway. We all arrive at the conclusion that our marriage is over at our own pace. As we probably all have learned, people will do what they feel is best for them and you really can't make anyone do anything.

But I'll consider your suggestion about doling out advice to leave and not give it. I'll choose not to post instead. Maybe it would be best not to post at all, since I really NEVER know whether it's good advice or not. I've certainly never written to someone that saved their marriage.