well the wife stopped by today..

[Marcum]

guys am i doing it all wrong again? i realy thought i would try something new and be assertive. so fsr since this has begane i have been very passive. lately i have been very passive it feels and all she did was walk e over em. as Mink would say im going to be kind yet i will also let her know if the way she is acting is driveving me away

i can change all i want but if i never voice when im treated cruely thein I will be the one who growes resentment. if im to close to the sich and im missing something please by all means let me know.

i do realise that by being passive i got invited to go out of town for three days. but during the trip she walked all over me, and left me feeling hollow. what good is getting her back if its a falxse connection were i have to be submissive to be with her. i want a partnership not a distatorship. im not saying it shouls swing the other way and i be incharge, but it should be at least even. hell i know she is in charge right now but total disrespect and domination ics unreasonable and cruel. i was trying a new reaction instead of the same old routine. it shook her up....enought to ask if i want to see other people.

i cant do anything right

[Dom R]

I think that perhaps you went too far.

That there is a difference between being "passive", and being "patient".

That there is a difference between being "assertive", and being "abrasive".

On the other hand of things, there is a difference between being caring+understanding, vs "being a doormat".

it's a tough balancing act to manage. i have difficulty keeping all of the above balanced myself


Personally, i think that, when being treated badly by someone... PARTICULARLY by a woman... "showing them" by treating them the same way... usually backfires.
In other words, playing the fence sitting game, to "show her what it's like", looks like it backfired on you.

what good is getting her back if its a falxse connection were i have to be submissive to be with her. i want a partnership not a distatorship.

how do you feel like you are "in a dictatorship"?

[Dom R]

Another thought from me, that might be more helpful:
when you feel threatened... you dont have to threaten back.
There are other options.
Hopefully, you can think of a response that makes you feel "strong" in yourself, without at the same time being a "counter-attack".

[Marcum]

i realy hope she dosent write me off because of this. this whole thing feels so high scholl sometimes i had to call in sick to work tonight because im so worked up over this. i guess she was greatfull i brought her camera, but the facvt she could not sleep all night realy upsets me. i was hopeing to open up to her and show her that i felt pushed away by her actions, but instead i guess i screwed up very badely.

i did try to do damage control by explaining that me being on a fence was simply me steping back to process information, but i guess i just put it wrong. God i pray i didnt srew this up for good.

[Broken Tree]

"hell i know she is in charge right now but total disrespect and domination is unreasonable and cruel".

This is exactly how I feel. They can be so dam mean. I told my W that someday it will come back and bit her. It seemed to hit a cord.

Dobson Letter: No way man. that is a LRT and you are no where near there right now. Hey, everyone backslides, just get back on track. Your W is still very interested in you Relationship, keep it going if that is what you want. The hardest part for me right now is deciding what I want. i know I love her but I think Iam more concerned about my kids than anything. My kids told my W that they want us together last night. They don't want to hear any fighting but they want us together.

Hope that helps. You should be very confident that you are doing the best you can and that should bring some comfort to you no matter what happens.

[Marcum]

im sitting in front of my computer and fighting the urge to write her a letter. I want to reach out to her and tell her i im not giving up. since she finaly told me what the problems were in the marrage ( neglect and lack of respect) UI soo want to write her and tell her and ask how i DID show this . that way i know how to communicate it not how i want to but she does. this does not mean that i am changing my deffinitions for my own feeling of respect and feeling wanted, i just need to cater my message to her when directed twords her. what do you all think? would this be a ok communication

[minkerman]

No. Let it lie for now. It sounds like you are trying to defend yourself, and DB principles don't want you doing that!

I know it's hard not contacting her, but I really think you need to create a bit of space between yourselves right now.

[Marcum]

MM i was never built for mind games. i dont understand all of this. open frank talk sem so natural and to have something read into everything some one does is so forgien to me. She has told me to be honest and act myself. she told me she felf neglected and disrespected. the natural thing to do would be to tell her how i feel. then i look around and see damage that occures when someone does this. this is so wrong

[minkerman]

Well Marcum, ask yourself this:
How well has it been working for you so far?

[Dom R]

im sitting in front of my computer and fighting the urge to write her a letter. I want to reach out to her and tell her i im not giving up. since she finaly told me what the problems were in the marrage ( neglect and lack of respect) UI soo want to write her and tell her and ask how i DID show this .

I personally think that the general sentiment, is a great idea. It's not anti-db: it's called "communication" ;-)
Depending on how you ask, and how you respond to what she says, it is also an excellent opportunity to show validation for her feelings. to show that you are really paying attention to her now.


I think the important things to remember, are to think out a way to ask this question, in a way that does NOT come off as "defending yourself".

and also... probably allowing a bit of cool-off time first would be good, too.

Plus... you had good communcation face-to-face. So, stick with that. Unless you KNOW you have good "R communication" between the two of you in email.
Do you know that to be true?