There's a lot of advice all over the board. And a lot of folks requesting advice. You want to help. How do you know if you're giving good advice?
Most folks here are looking for hope. Looking for answers. Looking for a CHANCE to save their marriage. Some have been delivered a bomb. Some are just not satisfied, or their partners aren't quite satisfied....they want to make things better.
When you read someone else's story, you get a feeling. You may have seen something similar, you may have an opinion. Or you may not have a clue ... but you want to help.
THAT'S GREAT. You can ALWAYS offer SUPPORT. Or point them to some idea you think they can try ... especially one of the creative solutions in Divorce Remedy. Or tell them what worked for YOU. Or tell them what DIDN'T WORK for you...
Unless someone is seriously being abused, we should never encourage someone to leave their spouse.People come here to be uplifted, to get hope...to learn to do things differently.
No one can ever tell you or anyone else when a marriage is over. That's a decision only you can make. We've seen literally thousands of marriages survive and thrive after many would have thrown in the towel. Here we help you come up with creative solutions to help you save your marriage!
If someone decides to leave, if they feel they have given enough....we should support them, or challenge them, if that's necessary.
As Michele tells therapists....if you really feel there is no hope...fire yourself.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
SG, Do you feel that anyone here has been jumping the gun to give pro-divorce advice? I would have to say that all of us found this site because we are pro-marriage, but at our wit's end and need a place of support and guidance. Often, we are the hold outs for our marriage, against the advice of caring family and friends. We understand this perspective, and hang here together, looking for hope.
There does come a point where you begin to see that the person standing is starting to break down from the repeated cycles of abuse. I would think it callous if we did not try to help someone to survive by suggesting he/she lets go and moves on, under these conditions.
SG, Please have more faith in us. We are rooting for each other's marriages, is that not obvious?
I would also like to hear about what people think if they have a spouse that has an alcohol addiction.
Deal with the alcoholism for as long as you can take it? Or walk away from the R knowing that it wont work out under those conditions OR confront the spouse that the alcoholism is ruining the R?and then how do you deal with it when they say "tuff, I like to drink and would rather be at the bars than working on our M".
From what I have read from other posters, Alanon is a really wonderful support group to help you cope with a spouse addicted to alcohol. The focus is on YOU...maintaining your sanity in the face of damaging behavior. As you have said, you may have a tough time convincing an addict he/she needs help, so it is best to work on helping yourself.
SG, Please have more faith in us. We are rooting for each other's marriages, is that not obvious?
I DO have a LOT of faith in you. This is posted for newbies who are lost, who may stop in on someone else's thread and not see the whole thing.
As I posted somewhere else before.....only the person in the situation has all the details. We don't walk in their shoes. Also ... there are situations where the spouse has an addiction, or other behavior, that gets turned completely around. It happens all the time. On the other hand....it doesn't happen in every situation. We are just not able to make the call FOR them.
Things like getting a life, building their confidence go a long way (as most everyone on THIS forum knows) in helping them to make THEIR right decisions.
These are good questions to ask.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I DO have a LOT of faith in you. This is posted for newbies who are lost, who may stop in on someone else's thread and not see the whole thing.
Thanks for clarifying that.
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As I posted somewhere else before.....only the person in the situation has all the details. We don't walk in their shoes. Also ... there are situations where the spouse has an addiction, or other behavior, that gets turned completely around. It happens all the time. On the other hand....it doesn't happen in every situation. We are just not able to make the call FOR them.
By the time someone shows up to this kind of board, the addiction, to whatever it may be, is out of control and causing destruction to the spouse and the family. There is always hope, but it's important to keep our survival instincts intact.
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Things like getting a life, building their confidence go a long way (as most everyone on THIS forum knows) in helping them to make THEIR right decisions.
