Minkerman: Soothing the skittish spouse!

[LoginName]

Hi MM,
Just popping in. Interesting. I haven't been keeping up as well as I was, so this may be off point, but.... :-D

You asked her if she felt that you're applying any pressure. You are. You say you may move on if she takes too long. That's pressure.

Do you really mean it? Do you want to move on? I think it's important to know that you can. I think it's normal to say to yourself "I'll give her 6 more months, and then maybe think about going my own way" )and after 6 months maybe giving another 6 months, or not - if you have really reached the end and are ready to move on.

But you don't need to tell her. Especially not more than once. She heard you. Don't play any power/control games with her. She'll resist, pull back. She doesn't want to be coerced into anything.

I'd advise laying off on the timelines, 'threats', etc. Yes, you're GALing is good and having a great affect, you are a catch, but she wants to know, needs to know, that you are there for her and support her. Unconditional love. Your actions could come across as "I'll love you only if you a) come back home b) recommit to me, etc... "

She needs to know that you love her, will forgive her, will not make her pay for the rest of her life, your relationship, for leaving. She needs to know that you find her attractive, want to be with her.

What's your DB coach say about this?