I sit here in my living room.. D2 is napping in her bed and H is lying on the couch sleeping.. I look at him and just feel so hooked. This man will have my heart forever and yet he doesn't know if he wants it. Hmmm.
We had an R talk.. nothing emotional.. he actually was doing most of the talking. It started with looking at some pictures a friend of ours had taken of him.. he looked SOOO handsome (and I told him so) but he has lost the sparkle.. he used to have this mischievious (sp?) sparkle in his eye.. like he was high on life and that he had it by the tail.. but it's not there anymore. I mentioned that to him and told him that I hope he's able to find it again. He said he hoped so too. Somehow the topic got onto how he's really been trying lately to include me in his life.. to which I thanked him and told him that I saw the effort and appreciated it. He explained that he didn't need the praise but at the same time was pleased that his effort wasn't going unnoticed. He thanked me for being so friendly and open. He is so grateful I didn't shut him out.. he said he knew that I could have because he had done things that hurt me (like EA) and that he was sorry for hurting me. I thanked him for saying what he said. I told him I see glimpses of the old H now and again and it's nice. He said he does too. So I asked him how it feels when he slips back into being the old H.. he said it feels good but that he can't be just that guy anymore.. that he is also the guy I see before me today. I said I understood that.. and mentioned that right now he is probably old H about 10% of the time and new H about 90%. He chuckled and said "see I'm slowly making progress". Which is true.. because for a while there the H I knew was 0% and the new H was 100%.
He said in his trying to reconnect with me by contacting and sharing more that he realized just how bad our communication had gotten... he said that it's nice to talk to me about things but that it doesn't come naturally yet. He makes a conscious effort to include me. He expressed that it isn't a burden because he wants to do it but that he has to really focus on making the effort.
The only other thing I recall speaking about was with regards to EA... and he had said he was sorry for hurting me but that in his mind he drew a line that he would not cross into anything physical with anyone for fear of never being able to get back to us. I told him I appreciated that. I said that if people continue with EA though it's kind of tempting fate time and time again. He expressed that he wasn't tempting fate anymore. I also said to him that we can't go back to what we had. At one time it was beautiful.. and that I still believe what we had was rare and worth fighting for.. but that it had deteriorated and we can't go back to that.. we'd have to build something new and better if we were working on a future together.
So, that was the talk. We are still in friendship mode... and still in limbo.. but from what it sounds like he is going to use the summer to test himself.. to see if he is able to make his work commitments while still trying to balance some time for D2 and I (all while living outside the house I presume).. 'cause he wants to see if he is capable of being all of the things he wants to be.
I am still going to focus on me building more friendships.. spending quality time with my daughter.. and hopefully figuring out what I want to do professionally.
Speaking of my professional dilemma. Are any of you out there reading this career counsellors? I could really use your help if you are!
