You are everything to me and you dont even know this, for years I have been right beside you and you have pushed and tested me as much as you can and I allowed you . I allowed you to hurt me because you were hurt. I allowed my strength to leave me and I allowed myself to fall to my knees and stay there. I allowed your Mother to interfere and for you to be a shell of who I know you really are. I invite you to come with me and let me really love you and let me in. Or do you want to be alone still while laying right next to me entirely alone?
I am scared for you, this I have told you in not so many words,, you need to allow the gifts that we ( * the kids and I *) give you from our heart in.

You want to come home and soon you wil be here. I really let you go this time. I didnt hold on and I didnt hold my breath , I allowed you to miss me and grow some. But you do need to grow still and I do to. I need to know that regardless of what you do or dont do for me that I need to find love in myself and strength in me also.CLICHE~ no I had to really let you go this time, and button my lio when my EGO was ready to come into play, tell you like it is when necessary too, and let you put wings on and fly and see if you wanted to really love us and come home for real this time.

I am scared too, I am scared you will come home but you will still be , be gone and not really here just somewhere else...... I am tired of that and so are you , you have told me this and told me that you need me.

I dunno if you will finally let me in , but I will try my damndest. I will try everyday to know that it is all about you and that you love me and have placed your heart before me and said here it is it is yours and I want to spend the rest of my days with YOU and YOU alone.

I have prayed for this surrender for soooooooooooooo long and it is here and I will not let this GIFT slip thru my fingers but you need to walk with me and accept the GIFt accept me as I love you, take it in and embrace it. Can you really do it, I dunno , but I pray you do.

You were trying to be negative and said today "well I hope you all give me....."

I stopped you and told you " you need to look at the positive and take the gifts the kids and I give you, you are so focused on the negative,, I can focus on the negative to, there are so many negatives one can focus on but you know what, I focus on the positive. You can do this too. When you come home and life gets in the way still look at the gifts and allow them in. OK?"

He said "OK....."

I am called to be strong and carry him for awhile and be the rock and not falter. I hope God will help me, I know he will but I need to keep my eyes and my heart open and not let life pull me down. He needs ~ME. I need ~ME too,,

~Wow.... I am up for this and there is no place for ~FEAR to take over.
It is really and truly time to just do it and go thru the fear dont let it paralyze me or hold me down ......
this will be the one of the hardest things for me to do. Completely surrender regardless of the outcome. Give myself to you my H and stop living in the past and letting fear hold me still when I need to move forward.
God Bless, ~Ali