Need Help

[troubled_husband]

IMP,

Thanks for the insight as to who you are and your situation. It provides a little background for your advice, questions and comments. I was a little overwhelmed trying to weed through the 40 pages.

I have been burned too often in the past 18 years by people giving advise when they don't have the experience to back it up. It is easy to have hypothetical solutions, much harder to have real ones.

My situation is a combination of many. Both MC and my IC have told me my wife has a personality disorder. Her IC has implied it to me, but obviously can not make an outright statement. (comment something like: you know if your wife really is ____ then it will mean that there will need to be changes in the relationship) This is not an excuse though for me not responding appropriately. Learning what is appropriate and not is where I am struggling right now.

There is a site that describes the sequence of how a codependent person deals with things in a relationship. I found it fits my situation pretty well

1 - Say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people.
2 - Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they would never do.
3 - Let others hurt them.
4 - Keep letting others hurt them.
5 - Wonder why they hurt so badly.
6 - Complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
7 - Finally get angry.
8 - Become totally intolerant.

Right now I am cycling through all of these but am struggling. I can see that I jump from step 8 back into the cycle. I am looking for a balanced step 9 to head towards healthy again. I am just starting to get some boundaries in my life and sometimes they can become 'intolerant walls' instead of boundaries. Maybe that is a step towards healthy boundaries, but I am a little confused. That is why I posted the goals, because they are closely related to the boundary issues in my life.

How did you protect your kids during your D. Verbal abuse is hard to prove. I have a slight advantage because I have a single documented case of physical abuse (which my W disputes). But I have been warned by a lawyer that a single incident is not weighed nearly the same as repeated (and documented) incidents.