Bring on the Rain

[Rob1231]

Sheila, What a wonderful, thoughtful post. Thank you for sharing it.

I wrestled with that decision for a long time and felt like I was denying my son a father.

This line really struck me.

My two cents, for you and Sue both: You can't force your H's to be a good fathers if they won't step up to the plate. On the other hand, if they WANTED to be good fathers, you would find it virtually impossible to stop them (I think of some of the D'ed dads who are on this board - they will move Heaven and Earth to do what's right for their kids, despite all kinds of resistance from their whacked-out X's).

Bottom line: It's not your responsibility to ensure that this man is a good father. As always, recognize what you can and can't control - focus on the former, and let go of the latter.

((((Hugs))))

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Amen to that, Rob. Good stuff.

Puppy

[SueS]

Hello everyone! I intended to respond yesterday and just didn't get a chance. I love busy days, as it keeps my mind occupied.

Sheila- You are so wonderful to me. I just LOVE getting on and seeing your responses. There are some differences in our sitch's, but I don't think a huge amount. My H struggles with alcohol and although he hides it, I know there have been drugs involved at times too. I know that I can no longer force my H to have a better relationship with our D3. I have a great relationship with her. She told him last night when he called that he should come home and snuggle with her, as he sounded tired. He said that he was tired but he was going out after work. Again, a missed opportunity to bond. He called me yesterday from work and in a very angry tone told me that his boss had approved for him to come in today at noon. I said thank you for the help and he hung up.

Neecy- I'm with you on the "Bubbly" song. Except the one that I turn off is her "Realize" song. She's a great singer, but I just can't even listen to her anymore. The "love" songs actually don't get me as worked up anymore. The ones that hurt are the ones that talk about.....I've waited all my life for you.....You're the only one who has ever believed in me.....etc. The ones where you want to say.....Gee, who was there to support you during all our cross country moves, during all your job changes (and there were A LOT)....when your mom died...etc. After a while, you realize that they're in a fantasy land and that it's not about you. However, the first few times you hear the songs it truly makes you feel worthless and unloved to the ultimate point. The one song that H and I literally fought about (changing the channel) is "The Story" by Brandi Carlisle. The words.....

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
Yeah you do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth

Is hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

Oh yeah, it's true... I was made for you

BARF!! Seriously. It came on the radio and I changed the channel. He blew up and changed it back. I said...I know what significance this song has and I don't want to listen to it....changing it back. He didn't touch it again. This was at the very beginning of a 7 hr. road trip to his family.

Rob- yes, the above shows me dwelling on something I can't change and I know that. Just replying to Neecy and how I understand exactly how she feels! Thanks for the comments on H's relationship with D3. It does absolutely amaze me to see the truly dedicated fathers on this BB. My hat is off to all of them! In answer to Sheila's question, it is hurting ME more than D3 right now to see him dismiss her like he does. Rob, you do know that I consider myself to be a VERY LUCKY person to have you coming to my thread, don't you? You're The Best! I do value your thoughts very, very much.

I took D3 to get her hair cut last night. She looks so sweet. I've been obsessed with looking at apartments and it's been taking away from my other responsibilities.

Rough day yesterday. A very good friend that I work with took me in her office and said, Sue, just let it all out. I did. I cried, I laughed, I vented. She's wonderful and at the end I got a great big hug. It was nice.

H did go out last night. Sad thing is that I heard him come in just minutes after D3 fell asleep. She kept telling me that she couldn't fall asleep, then BAM, she was silent!

Well, I'm off 1/2 day today to spend with D3. We need to run some errands (fun stuff when it's snowing) and then a lot of cleaning.

Have a great day everyone.

[Rob1231]

Rob- yes, the above shows me dwelling on something I can't change and I know that. Just replying to Neecy and how I understand exactly how she feels!

Hey Sue. Actually, I would NOT take you to task for turning off that song. You were defining a boundary for yourself - that song hurts your feelings (which you are entitled to) and so you choose not to listen to it. Good job!

That's very different from trying to force H to change his behavior (you must not see OW, you must never listen to this crummy song again, etc.) See the diff?

Thanks for the comments on H's relationship with D3. It does absolutely amaze me to see the truly dedicated fathers on this BB. My hat is off to all of them! In answer to Sheila's question, it is hurting ME more than D3 right now to see him dismiss her like he does. Rob, you do know that I consider myself to be a VERY LUCKY person to have you coming to my thread, don't you? You're The Best! I do value your thoughts very, very much.

Aw, shucks.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Tbhe way someone once described it to me is, "If you're telling the OTHER person what to do, that's control. If you're telling them what YOU are willing to tolerate and not tolerate, then that's a boundary."

[Rob1231]

The way someone once described it to me is, "If you're telling the OTHER person what to do, that's control. If you're telling them what YOU are willing to tolerate and not tolerate, then that's a boundary."

I like it! Nicely put!

[fightingirish]

Hey sues,

I hope you are doing better today.. enjoy the day with your daughter!!

tal

[SueS]

Hi!

Rob, I knew you wouldn't take me to task for turning the channel. I just thought you might tell me not to dwell on the sad songs any more!

TAL- I'm okay & D3 and I had a good day.

What a strange day. My BIL, SIL & niece are supposed to be coming today from IN. A 7 hr. drive. My BIL called H last night at 7:15 and told him that they aren't coming. They've been fighting like cats & dogs again. My BIL, although always good to me, has a terrible temper. My SIL & I are often in the same boat with our H's drinking & tempers. One difference. My BIL despises cheaters. We haven't told D3 they may not come yet, as she's SOOOOO incredibly excited about her cousin coming. My SIL just called & said....."F" your BIL, D6 & I are coming anyway. How do I get there? WOW! So, H & I have been back & forth on the phone. His brother saying they aren't leaving until tonight & SIL saying she's leaving right away. For once in the past several months, I feel like the only sane one in the family!! H has been very short & snotty with me the past few days. Not one nice word that our entire place was spotless when he got home last night.....for a visit from HIS family.

Well, it should be an interesting day!!

I may have found an apartment that works for me & D3! We'll see.

Have a good one.

[SweetRedd]

Happy Easter Sue You sound strong and happy despite the things being thrown at you. Hope you and D3 have had a great Easter and she's enjoying her cousin.

Hugggs!

Sheila

[Yoyowife]

Sues,
Pay no attention to the man in the fog. Hope you and your little one had a nice Easter.

Hugs,