I am blown away by the turn around in your sitch. Can you see the connection to your own healing? Your honesty with your W about your own unforgiveness....but, your admission of your love for her....is an awesome testimony to the power of unconditional love. Take it slow....don't manipulate....let your heart....and I hope your Faith....lead you!
Your HEALED marriage will be so much better than the old dead marriage. You need to thank your W for having the strength to open up to you again....regardless of where this ends up!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
I haven't been on the boards in a while but you asked me a question 6 months ago which deserves an answer. ______________________________________________________________
Originally Posted By: TheWanderer DNQ, I haven't posted much and I just picked up on your thread but I know exactly what you are going through.
I found myself in a R while my WAW was in her R w/ OM. It took me 3 tries to finally end that R. I had hoped that WAW would see my efforts at ending my relationship but she stayed with OM. Almost 3 months after I ended that relationship WAW still sees OM and the 1 yr anniversary of the bomb 'I want a separation' just passed so I figure she's not going to end things properly with OM so I find myself in a new R with another woman. I was just saving $ for the mediator to get the paperwork through and WAW is saying she wants to come back. (Even though she still communicates and sometimes see OM - they're in a band together) ______________________________________________________________
Wanderer, did your being in a R have any affect on your wife, even though she was in one herself? Now you're in another one, she's still seeing OM and wants to come back? What caused her turnaround?
My being in a new R affected W only slightly. It didn't deter her from her OM. She did not turn around. She has maintained her R w/ OM.
I have ended my R w/ OW. I know now it is a cruel thing to get another woman involved. She too had become involved in my life, my family, my kids and when I ended it she was very angry. I did not love her.
I will never do that again.
I am very much still in love with my W. Even if she loves OM.
Just last week she told me she ended things with OM and she invited me back to her apartment. I accepted. Things were very cordial. She knows that she can't be trusted because she still loves OM. It was with great uncertainty that I actually stayed a second night. S10 and S6 enjoyed the time I was there as I did with them. When I returned the 2nd night after work I had an anxiety attack when I walked in and she was playing a guitar that was a gift from OM and within a few minutes OM was calling on her cell phone.
Things are not over between them entirely.
I haven't read your whole situation but I have read some of the changes you and your W have gone through.
Frankly, right now, you are my hero. I hope things continue to go well for you. I understand the struggle and the patience and reserve that are required.
I'll try to be more in tune with your sitch as I think I need to get back to my own DB'ing.
TheWanderer _______________________ Me: 36 W: 37 S10 & S6 Married 12 yrs Bomb: 8/21/06 She moved out: 9/13/06 Sold family home: 5/07 Currently living in separate apartments 90 miles away from each other, joint custody of kids.
Wanderer, thanks for posting that response. I understand some of the anxiety you felt because I feel it everytime my W gets a phone call or text message on her cell phone. Who is it? What is being said? How does she feel about it? Yeah, I get it. For me, I just muscle through it and hope for the best.
What we have is an awesome hook that no other man can replace; we are her children's father. My opinion is that most women cannot completely fail to feel the connection between the father and children, and deep down, just know that they are doing wrong by their children for messing up the marriage. Just my thought.
I have had to embrace the "struggle and patience and reserve" referenced by Wanderer over the past couple days. Fact is, W is starting her cycle (she told me that on Thursday when she called me asking for directions to a park to meet up with me for S6's T-ball sign-up. A park she has been to many times) and gets frantic, irritable and just plain bitchy. That came out in full force on Friday when she was at my house so the kids could play on the Trampoline. She asked me to go get the kids some lunch, and I wasn't fully comfortable with her being in my house without me there. So, to remedy that, I went into my room and placed in a bag all my "personal effects" that I didn't want her to see if she snooped, and put them in my car. I was very casual about it. Well, she saw me with the bag and asked what I was doing. I told her that I was gathering up some receipts and paperwork so I could work on tax stuff (which actually was part of what was in the bag). I am staying at our other house for a while while this one gets some remodel work done.
So starts in on me saying things like "sure, I'll bet its all the porn you don't want me to see" and that "you're such a liar". Well, she fully attached herself to the lying thing by saying "you've always been a liar, and always will be. This is why I can never trust you". Her trust me? Boy, did I want to go off on her for that one (restraint, restraint, restraint....). Anyway, I go get the food and come back, and she just won't let it go. So I try to talk to her about it, but no good. She goes and sits in her car, and I tell the kids it's time to go.
Before the kids get in the car, I go back out and chat with her a bit. I tell her that if she wants to choose to think I'm a liar, then that is her choice. If she wants to judge me on my actions, then she will clearly see that she is incorrect. Then, I couldn't help myself....... I ask her "a couple weeks ago, you said in a conversation something about me having my employees sign a waiver that they wouldn't sue me over sexual harrassment issues. I don't know where that came from. Are you implying that I have done something inappropriate, or even was unfaithful to you?" She was silent, then finally responded "it wouldn't surprise me" OK, that irked me, but I held it together and told her "not that I have to explain myself to you, but you know darn well that I have never, ever done anything like that nor had I ever wanted to. I can rest easily knowing that the entire time we were together I was completely faithful to you" I left, then came back for one more thing by saying "that goes to show me a great deal. We are having a lot of problems based on what you perceive to be issues, but have no factual basis whatsoever. You need to think about that". Anyway, the next couple times we talked, she was short with me, not real nice.
Yesterday, I dropped one of the kids off with her, and asked her to step out of earshot of the kids. She did so with reluctance. I asked her something about our finances that needed addressed, then asked her why she is being so hostile with me. I told her that I don't appreciate it and it isn't necessary. I had some work to do and she was taking the kids to see Horton Hears a Who in the afternoon. I finished my work early, called her and said that I'd like to also go to this movie with the kids. She said "I don't care what you do". I let her know that if she had even the slightest problem with it, then I won't go. She said "I just gave you my answer".
Went to the movie, all was well, then we left. For the rest of the day, she was back to being totally fine with me. Spoke to me without the irritation in her voice, and when I brought some dinner over for the kids, I hung out for ten minutes and she acted as though none of the previous days' drama ever occured.
For me, I've made a decision to not let her push my buttons with the ease that she used to have, and more importantly, to just outlast her mood swings. Straight and steady - with integrity.
Haven't heard from her today........ and yes, I'm leaving her alone.
She was right about one thing...you were lying. In your own home, you don't have any reason to hide your stuff. As my wife and my counselor said, "you have to give the impression of trustworthiness". Taking the stuff to the car suddenly didn't really give that impression.
If magically she said she knows that it's you she wants and wanted to move in together, what would it be like? What would it actually take to make a great relationship? It helps to make the changes and have more of a "water off a duck's back" attitude, but it isn't enough. Your wife has a long ways to go, evidently, so I wouldn't get in too big of a hurry. But, that being said, there are many things that a person needs to learn for themselves...and I suspect whatever happens with your wife will be one of them. The positives are great from the standpoint of more effective co-parenting...I guess you should count your blessings about that.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
With porn, religious reasons aside, many woman feel, justifiably, that it is the same thing as infidelity. She was jealous (most likely).
If someone is ogling another woman whether in substance or in some media format, then you are not thinking of her solely. Taking it further with someone that has not been stable emotionally and their imagination begins to create all sorts of negative pictures in their mind.
DNQ, your hiding your "personal effects" are normal but would it have gone through your mind that she has something to hide if she quickly removed something from your view?
I am not picking on you because it sounds as though this is a hiccough, probably a "normal" one at that during this situation. It still sounds as though you two are heading toward a positive point.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Nope, not porn. Mostly a lot of receipts and stuff (I was telling her the truth on that).
However, there were a lot of cards and other things given to me by the woman I was dating, Linda. Lots of things written in those cards I would not want my wife to see. Additionally, I have a habit of writing things on random pieces of paper - my thoughts at the time, lists of things regarding my relationship with her (and even Linda), financial stuff regarding a potential settlement, stuff like that. Lots of it was even on the back of bar napkins, since for a while I liked sitting down at various places, have a drink or two, and write out my thoughts. I'll even admit......there was even a box of comdoms. So, you can see why I took the stuff out of there, because there is noplace to hide it in the house (all the doors are off to finish the remodel, so I can't lock a door). She surprised me by coming over, and she is the one that asked me to go get the kids some lunch, leaving her in the house all alone. Thankfully, all my DB stuff (I printed out all my threads and organized them in two large binders), relationship books, and other stuff are in a locked filing cabinet.
And regarding porn, she does have a big issue with it, and it caused us some problems in the past. If we get back together, it won't be a problem because I now better understand the real reason she had problems with it and wouldn't do that to her again.
No real update on the aspect of her being bipolar. In my opinion, she is, but that's going to take some time with our counselor before the counselor is comfortable enough to confront her on this subject. Hopefully, my wife will be receptive to idea that she has some other things to deal with.
