With all those things considered would you still say that it's a good idea to cut HER off?
I don't believe anyone is suggesting that you cut her off completely. I think what's been said is to lessen your availability to her. Stop taking every call and responding to every e-mail, etc, etc. Except some but NOT all invitations. If you want to 'win her over', she has to miss you and know what it's like to not always have you there. She KNOWS you will get together with her whenever she presents the opportunity, the same way she KNOWS that she can still talk to and see OM anytime she wants. No one is making her see or feel the consequences of her choices; Plain and simple - you and OM are enabling her behavior and this A.
Mmmm, gotta love that yummy cake.
With all due respect, this is your sitch. Your M. If you feel this is the right way to go, then that is your decision, and we all respect that. No one is here to tell you what to do. We can only offer advice and give you our opinions based on our experiences. Take from it what you will.
Just know that you will need a lot of time and an overabundance of patience to get through this. We all must remember this.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Well guys I just spent some time reading Doing's thread and I've got to say you are doing good work. Maybe I should be taking a stronger stand. I said before that I'm not initiating communication and in fact, today is the first day I haven't gotten an e-mail from her at work in a long time. Don't know if that's good or bad but maybe no contact will make her miss me.
On another note, Doing's thread also reminded me of a resouce I have that I haven't really turned to much. I have a SIL who is W's confidant and also on my side. A little bit ago I texted her and asked her if she could shed some light on my W's feelings for me. She said my W has told her that since we started getting along again she's missed me. This is GOOD! Unfortunately, she told that to her sister a couple weeks ago and I know that OM is still around after she shared these feelings. So it's not enough to make OM go away, but it is enough to re-ignite W's feelings for me. She has got to be so conflicted inside... Do I just sit back and wait or do I try to take an active role in this? Keep in mind, W has been hiding her R with OM from me since about the time she shared this with her sister. W must be trying to keep both things going at once to see which is better for her... WTF?
Dazed, First time I've posted to you. I'm a strong supporter of exposure. It's a tough call.
Maybe I can share something from my sitch and see if it helps.
After I found out about my WW's affair, things were tense for a while (understatement there). I decided I was going to be the best husband I could be so if we did separate I could go dark and she would remember me in the best light and if the affair ended she might come back.
I think my WW took my being nice as my condoning her affair. When she was around me it was like we were best buddies, but she would always run back to OM. We even went to Fla together with 2 other couples and had a GREAT time, but of course she would sneak off to call or TM OM every chance she could. I even saw some text messages between them on the trip where WW was telling him she was having a great time and OM ripping on her because he was jealous of his mistress having a good time with her husband. I thought for sure that after having a great time with WW she would come around, but the first chance she had after our trip she went and spent the weekend with him. She was planning another weekend trip to see him when I exposed to his wife (I kind of goofed up that weekend for them!).
Point is, my WW was a cake-eater deluxe. She was getting most of her needs filled by me and a couple from him. So heck yes, she'll say she has good feelings for you. You're letting her F her boyfriend without getting in the way. She contacts you when she needs her fix of you and then gives the buffet to her OM.
Break the stalemate. Find a few people who exposing to will have the greatest affect. The other persons significant other, parents, close friends. Family may sympathize with you and support her, but frame it in a way that you are trying to save your marriage and would like their help.
I'm not trying to convince you to do something that you don't want to do. And there are many people on this board that disagree with the exposure route, but it's seemed to work for me and many others here and elsewhere. If you don't want to expose, go dark. Cut off all contact with her. Tell her that it pains you too much to see/talk to her while she's still with the OM. And stick to it if you do it. If she comes back, great. If not you've at least removed the continued pain/limbo from your life.
It's your choice.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Guess I never mentioned before that W's whole family knows... I talked with her dad one day in confidence about what to do (he is a MC for his church). He must have told W's mother, who told W's sister and... well by now the whole family knows and is upset with W. That really PO'd W. Not a great move on my part, but her family is trying to support our M the best they can. They also want W to make her own decision, so they told her they don't approve but it's not their decision.
What about the OM? Is he married? Have a SO? That would be your best exposure route.
I did not expose to WW's family. Her dad passed years ago (the hadn't seen each other in years anyway) and her mom is her only real family member that she really cares about, so I avoided telling her. I told a few close friends of WW but she's distanced herself from them when they didn't tell her they approved of her "being so fortunate to find her soulmate. He has nothing to do with our problems".
The OP's spouse/SO would be the best person to expose to, to put pressure on the A.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
OM is divorced with a son. No use exposing him to anybody...
I did show W's father his myspace page. It doesn't paint a good picture of the guy at all. Nothing but pictures of him partying, hanging all over other women, the background music is crude and mentions sniffing cocaine a few times... Her father showed her mother and now the whole family has seen it... They're all thinking WTF...
Maybe just a little less availability to her. I know how much you want to be with her everytime she beckons, but think about how things were when you first met and were starting to date. Play a little hard to get.
Keep up the good work and do whatever you think is best for you. Hope you have a Happy Easter!
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Sounds like less availability is the way to go, but now W is so comfortable with our situation she has been dropping by the house unannounced. Actually, it probably has something to do with her new car. She bought a new car over the weekend and doesn't want to smoke in it (stress caused us both to pick up this nasty habit after separating... actually she picked it up a couple months earlier). She's been coming by to take smoke breaks at the house because it's close to her work. Anyway, it's no big deal. She just suprises me sometimes when she shows up.
What is a big deal and also another conflict with the availability thing is that she wants to go out with me tonight. We're going to dinner then out to a friend's house where some of our old friends are getting together. This is a big step for us. We haven't hung out with our old friends together since we split. It's going to be an interesting night... You gotta admit that this is one I shouldn't pass up.
Last night seemed like a good one. W came over a little late so we scrapped our dinner plans and had a quick martini at the house instead. Headed over to our friend's house and hung out with our old group. Everybody was so happy to see us together. We got a lot of comments about it. That was good. It wasn't awkward, for most of the night we had a great time.
After a few hours W snuck off for about 10 minutes at one point and people started asking where she was. There is a big shop on the property and one of our friends went down there and found her inside on the phone. The shop was dark and the doors were all closed so I got the impression she was trying to hide to make her call. I think I know who she called... That made me feel bad but I tried not to let it show. Didn't work W caught on that I was feeling down about something. I was on the phone when she reappeared and when I hung up she asked who I was talking to. I told her but then she said "I've got to stop asking you things like that. I don't have the right to know anymore." I shot a 'reality dart' back with a smile on my face "No worries. It's not like I have anything to hide." Then I must have looked at her a little too long with a coy expression because after I said it she asked if we needed to go talk. I said sure and we went off alone and had a talk. It wasn't going anywhere good. She asked if I was upset about her disappearing. I said I wasn't. She asked what was wrong then. I said I didn't want to have this conversation. I told her not to worry about me. I said "Focus on doing what makes you happy. I want you to be happy." We left it at that and returned to our friends. Unfortunately, that kind of ruined the mood so we left shorty after that.
W had a few to many to drive so I drove her car back to her place. Earlier I had arranged for a friend who was going out to pick me up from her place and take me out with him. We got back to her place, sat on the couch, watched TV and talked. I gave her a footrub while we were sitting there. That made her happy. After I finished she curled up next to me with a blanket and rested her feet on my lap. I felt nice to be close again.
After being there for an hour and a half my friend calls and said that the plans had changed and he couldn't make it out. W let me take her car back to my house. This morning I took it back to her and we went out for coffee and breakfast. When she dropped me off she came in and hung out for a while. Didn't really have any meaningful conversation though. Before she left she mentioned she was going to the car wash, but wanted to use my shop vac to vacuum her car. I'm such a push over and way to available... While she vacuumed I Armor Alled the entire inside of the car. It's a brand new car and was squeaky clean to begin with so I figured the only reason she would make it even cleaner would be to show it off to her friends later. I need to get OM off the brain because I'm thinking that's who she's going to show it to. Why am I so paranoid about this? It's got to stop... at least W and I are still progressing very well in our friendship.
That's the latest, just wanted to update you all on our night together.
I feel like a bomb just dropped... Don't even know how to take this.
At breakfast W and I talked about our plans for the day. Neither of us had any. It was a beautiful day so I suggested golfing. She said that sounded like fun but wasn't sure. She didn't look me in the eyes and I've been finding that's her give away for when she's lying. She HAS plans but I just pretend I don't notice she's lying.
Later on in the day I text her to see if she's still interested. She says no (not a surprise). I text back to tell her to have a good day. Then she drops a bomb... first mention of OM in weeks.
She says she'd made plan earlier in the week to go to a monster truck rally with him tonight(had NO CLUE she is into monster trucks). She says she feels bad for telling me but she wants to be honest. She says she feels guilty for going because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings or me anymore than she already has. She says she's put me through enough. I text back and say that she shouldn't feel guilty because I know where I stand and I'm glad she could be honest with me. I told her that I feel like she spends time with me out of guilt and that's not right. You should only do it because you enjoy it. Then I suggest we spend more time apart. She sends one back about how she DOES enjoy spending time with me and that's why she does it.
At this point I call her, she's crying when she picks up the phone. She answers as if she expects me to be angry or sad. Instead I very calmly and supportively told her that I felt terrible for her. We talked about how she is feeling so conflicted inside and how she is in an emotional hell. I told her that since we'd been spending more time together I was starting to get feelings for her again and that since she is still seeing OM it's best that we spend more time apart until she figures some things in her life out(figured it would come down to this eventually). She was sad through all of this. I told her to cheer up and try to have a good day. She said she didn't even think she'd go to the show anymore (Pretty sure she'll still go). We lighten up the conversation and said goodbye after a few more minutes. It was a GOOD talk, we got a lot of things we'd been avoiding out in the open.
This is a turning point... I don't know what to make of it.
-She's guilty, good. -She's being honest, very good -She's going to see OM, not good. -She doesn't want to hurt me anymore... good because I don't like to hurt... bad because maybe this leads to goodbye. -She's conflicted... good because she wasn't so conflicted about D back in January. -She's going through emotional hell... bad... I pains me to see her like this. -We're going to try to spend more time apart... this could be what it takes for her to miss me and want me back or it could open door wider for OM.
It actually feels like weight has been lifted from my shoulders because I have this pent up frustration from knowing she's carrying on with OM but not telling me anything to indicate what's going on there. I'm glad she was honest. I'm glad I let her know a reason for my future unavailableness. It feels like a step backward but we can't work on our M with a 3rd person involved.
I wish the best of luck to my W in making the right decision with her life. Hope she chooses what truly makes her happy.
After that whole diatribe about not seeing her so much I guess it would be appropriate to mention I'd made plans with her earlier in the week to make her Easter brunch tomorrow. We're still on for that but then after that I'm moving on.
W caught on that I was feeling down about something. I was on the phone when she reappeared and when I hung up she asked who I was talking to. I told her but then she said "I've got to stop asking you things like that. I don't have the right to know anymore." I shot a 'reality dart' back with a smile on my face "No worries. It's not like I have anything to hide." Then I must have looked at her a little too long with a coy expression because after I said it she asked if we needed to go talk. I said sure and we went off alone and had a talk. It wasn't going anywhere good. She asked if I was upset about her disappearing. I said I wasn't. She asked what was wrong then. I said I didn't want to have this conversation. I told her not to worry about me. I said "Focus on doing what makes you happy. I want you to be happy." We left it at that and returned to our friends. Unfortunately, that kind of ruined the mood so we left shorty after that.