God give me the patience and the strength...2

[theotherhalf]

the [censored] just keeps piling up...

H did call D16 today, asked her how she was feeling (been sick)

He called N14 later and asked her how she was doing, (her dad is in hospitol, pretty serious) he told her he was here for her if she needed him.

11 pm last night I get a call that my sister tried to commit suicide and was heading for the hospitol. She lost her baby in February and going through a load of crap with the babys father too. So I flew to hospitol and stayed with her till 4 this morning. now got to go to work.

[a new 2moro]

focus on your family let your h sway in the putrid breeze of the tunnel.

[theotherhalf]

my sister is fine, physically...mentally not so good...I am so angry with her right now, but I am trying to be here for her. They let her out of the hospitol and I am worried. She is not listening to anyone and I really don't think she is ready to be out.

today H made contact FINALLY with D16. She said it was the most they've talked in months. But said really it was only for a few moments. He actually asked her about her and acted as though he cared.

as for me I am a mess...i can't get my mind off of him and what he is up to...is he seeing her...is he talking to L...etc... and I am really ready to get out of this sh*thole one way or another. I want/need to do something, i just don't know what...its like what ever way I try to look to move forward there is a wall. I feel so stuck in a no win situation. and I feel completely and totally alone.

[a new 2moro]

You can do this TOH! Focus on you....chances are he is with her....thats part of the journey. The more they are together the sooner the blush wears off. Focus on your sister. go be with her. be her guiding light. You have the strength to get thru this. you have shown this to us. we are here for you!

[theotherhalf]

thanks an2m,

[a new 2moro]

your welcome...hangin there!well just dont hang in..do something! what are you gonna do today? he may be using his band aid..let him....

[theotherhalf]

I have to work today. No rest for the weary...lol

I am really struggling with how and what to do to move forward at this point.

Have been researching lawyers...researching real estate classes...it all comes down to money...there is none...so then what???

And then there is the decision to make of am I ready to file or can I wait longer. I guess I feel right now I am against a wall. If I don't file we are going to really start to go in the whole, if I do, it's over and maybe that's not so bad. But I really believe that he is going to regret, maybe filing would "wake" him up, but it may be to late for us both...

I really don't get why after weeks of NC he hasn't done anything, that I know of...why doesn't HE file?...

[a new 2moro]

it takes along time...not counted in weeks..months sometimes years...NOT weeks. we have told yo its early, some file some dont, some like mine wait and file in the middle. if you dont want D then dont file. come up with legal S to control $$ protect yourself. you have no idea whats in his mind so dont bother thinking about it. its aplace you want to be in. are you in for the long haul?

[theotherhalf]

I am ashamed to tell you all what happened yesterday. But need to I guess.

"are you in for the long haul? "
I guess maybe not...maybe I don't have the strength in me...maybe I am not cut out to be a DB'r.

As long as H and I are still legally M...I CANNOT deal with him sleeping with OW. I can't just sit back and watch and do nothing. I can't just ingnore it without fighting back. Even though I believe you when you say it will only make things worse, that it will push them together more. Who I am as a person and all that I stand for, tells me to FIGHT for what was once mine. Knowing the whole time that he has been gone for a long time...

Friday am before going to work, for some stupid reason I felt the need to drive by OW's (call it a gut feeling). Well H's pickup was in her drive. I went to the door and knocked and called his phone. Told him to come out. He did. We argued some but of course he wasn't going to listen to it. I screamed to the fat b*tch to come out and face me if she's doing nothing wrong. Of course she didn't. I kicked over a stand. She come out saying " you dumb c*nt!" I kicked over another stand and she came closer calling me a f*cking b*tch. I popped her right in the eye. (STUPID STUPID STUPID) she was calling the cops. I said I hope you two are really proud of your selves and I walked out. H left at the same time. Never talked to her, comforted her, stayed to clean up the mess, (weird). He calls me, tells me how stupid I am and that HE is not paying my fine. That he works his f*cking a*s off and not going to use HIS money, that I better get a part time job, and that next week he his stopping his check from going into the bank. I just said if only you would have in the beginning just did what was right and got a divorce we wouldn't be in this mess...

I went to work and have yet to hear anything from the law. He went to BIL's and sat and got drunk till 11 am then home.

You see... my only defense (and it is weak I know) I was brought up to STAND and FIGHT for what is right. My mother would beat my a*s if I let someone walk over me. And years ago I was that person. NO one ever gave me [censored] or there was a fight on their hands. Screw me or my family over(especially another girl messing with my H) and there was hell to pay. Now over the years I have mellowed. It isn't worth it anymore. What does fighting gain? Nothing. As I matured I realized it isn't who I wanted to be. And was very proud of that. Yesterday was stupid! My phone rang off the wall as the word got around. EVERYONE!!!, my family AND H's were all calling to say "GOOD! We're proud of you, it's about time you stood up for yourself!, You should have kicked her a*s!" Well, I told them all that no, it isn't good. I am ashamed of myself and p*ssed at myself. For letting them drag me down to their level. That I should have never of done it, as it really doesn't matter anymore.

But once again, I screwed up and can't go back and change it.
I left work early yesterday and went to the bank. I took out all the money in the savings accounts. I then spent the afternoon calling around to get a lawyer. It is over...I can't let them do this to me and my girls anymore...I can't do this to myself anymore...I told him to file...I don't think he will, for whatever reason...so I guess I have to. I am waiting on numbers of lawyers. Hopefully Monday I can get in to see one. I am going to go against ALL that I believe in, go against my own word, and file for D. It's over...

And yet...I still pray for H's awakening...I still love this man with all my heart...

[ddstartingover]

No 2 X 4 from me, TOH. DB or not DB, you are in charge. You know what is right for you-----and you do need to be in charge of YOU. Take the weekend to breathe, relax if you can, take time to get in control before Monday comes. Talk to L, listen to your options and make the right decision for you and your kids. After all, aren't we really all HERE to get educated and get support to find what is right for each of us? There's no right answer for everyone, each sitch is different.

Our hearts are BREAKING, we are in pain, yet we are to move on???? Well, we have to. For ourselves, and for those with children, for them as well.

Hang in there. You are strong enough to do what's right for YOU. Whatever you choose will be right.