I've come a long way, baby...

[Valentine]

Ugh, had a bad dream about MLM last night...in the dream he had gone a business trip in December with other colleagues who all took their wives...and apparently he took his...except that I didn't go on that trip and so in my dream he apparently took someone else...

Blech. I guess the pain of his affair still hurts.

I try to put it into perspective...

Then he calls and is all chirpy and happy-like...and I still and suffering from the remnants of my not so pleasant dream. I try not to be snippy but sometimes it comes through, especially now as I am on medication that is simulating menopause...I am a real bitchalina!

Okay, I will admit that I did well today...sorta...we were talking about one of my family members that is basically a "kept" man and I blurted out: wow! I need to learn how to do that!

Suddenly, there was perfect silence on the other end.


WHOOPS!


He chatted about something else but it seemed as if that had affected him...then we got off and he sends this spreadsheet of all our shared expenses and mutual financial obligations...

WTF???

Sometimes I wonder if he really is in MLC or if he is just a WAS....he seems to have it so together about stuff...go figure.

[ACJ]

MLM is DEFINATELY MLC. this is virtually identical to the response I got to an email I sent 2yrs ago. Facts and figures are logical. Men only think in logics (or at least they think they do ). It hurts to much to have illogical thoughts and so they bury them.

[Valentine]

ACJ, thanks for clearing that up for me!

Sometimes I think I am the cuckoo one!

I totally agree that they think in logical terms and will do anything not to dwell on illogical thoughts.

I think this is why they go to such great lengths to find faults with us or to focus on their jobs and become workaholics (MLM was already one before this began).

They won;t look inward and analyze all the terrible choices they have made....

And the cycle continues....

[ACJ]

They won;t look inward and analyze all the terrible choices they have made

They don't have too as long as there an OP around. They don't know about the mistakes (and they wouldn't for a moment consider themselves to be one of them!) so they just massage the MLCers ego and tell them how wonderful they. We are all susceptible to this time of adulation so it's not surprising that MLCers fall for it hook line and sinker.

[Valentine]

ACJ, no kidding! I had the unfortunate luck to find of my H's affair b/c he forgot to log out of his hotmail account...and I happened to log in...I think it was fate...

anyhow, i read all the e-mails between them and could see where she really stroked his ego...it was sickening to read it all, not to mention how my heart broke...

I would imagine that the shine of the OP would wear off after a while but sometimes that takes time...it could also be that they feel they have caused so much damage that the S will never take them back.

I find it sad that they are so easily sucked in by people who, more than likely, know they are married and have cnildren. Who knows what the MLC tells them: She doesn't understand, she never listens, she was never a good wife...blah, blah, blah...might as well be speaking in a foreign language and we, the LBS, are apparently the spawn of Satan.

Ridiculous.

I keep thinking that a life changing event will happen to MLM and he will wake up...but A LOT of very bizarre events have happened to MLM and nothing. He still hangs on to the I-gotta-save-the-everyone-except-my-wife mentality.

So frustrating.

[ACJ]

Yep my H has had what I hoped would be life changing events too. Like our S15 getting arrested not once but twice in year. Nope he just comes, tries to lay down the law, then leaves me to pick up the pieces and the mess. I know he is never gonna wake up and come home. So sad b/c he was such a great h and a brilliant father.

[Valentine]

OMG! that is exactly how I feel about MLM! He was a great H...everyone always told me how lucky I was...and I felt lucky too...

I wouldn't say he is NEVER gonna wake up and come home...but I know what you mean and feel the same as well...sigh.

Perhaps what we feel is life changing is not for them or maybe they are so lost in the fog or wrapped up in avoiding reality that it doesn't scan. WHo knows.

What we can do is just GAL and work on stuff that WE want to work on...maybe a garden or the interior of the house...I am re-doing my guest room in a French romantic style--first I thought, Shabby Chic, but all of that seemed way cottage-y and I am not into that look...think it's cute but really would not go with the decor in my house.

So, we have to find the brilliance in ourselves. I know it's there...we just have to find it...and in doing so, we don't obsess on what our kooky H's are doing and with whom they are doing it with.

Hugs!
Vali

[ACJ]

So, we have to find the brilliance in ourselves

Ok I'm up for becoming a polished diamond!

[ANewMe]

Val,

I am just so jealous that you are still having physical contact with your H. Mine has barely spoken to me in the last year. I have a feeling OW has forbidden it. She has forbidden her mother from having any contact with her XH.

My H was, also, a wonderful father and H. The people who knew us were in shock when they found out we were separated. We were told often we were the perfect couple.

[Valentine]

ACJ and ANM,

Yes, we are diamonds...

and thanks for you words, ANM...sometimes I feel used but then it occurs to me that I allow it...and I have to really think about it. I have to really think about doing it. SOmetimes I am not in the mood and I just say no. and he backs off. so, really, I am sorta in control there. Anyway, it is a fine line...

Do you really think the OW would have that much control? I would think that that sort of control would get old after a while...which means that R is on a collision course, sooner rather than later...