Sandi's Here in Piecing from Almost WAW

[sandi2]

Thank you so much! What a nice thing to say, and I appreciate it more than you know. Yes, I do feel comfortable in my MR right now. As with most, it could stand for improvement, but I was not trying (at least I didn't think I was) to make people think there were a lot of unsettled problems. When I went over into SSM and people started messing with me...then, I got in a mess! (lol) Just kidding!

My H and I do not fuss and fight life most couple do, I suppose. In fact, he used to drive me crazy in our younger years b/c I would want to have it out and he would refuse to fight and walk off. Oh, that would make me furious! It was probably the best way to handle it in some ways....it kept me from saying some bad things, but in other ways, it wasn't so good. That is where a lot of that pent up anger and resentment started, I would think.

Anyway, it doesn't bother me now that EVERYONE on the board does not think I'm doing what I should be doing......b/c what matters is that my H seems to be his old self again and we are getting along fine, which is a long, long way from this time last year.

So, thanks again for your kind words.

Sandi

[Forrest Gump]

"I have made my case before him and he chooses not to comply, so I will let it alone and make do as I have for over the past 2 decades."

Now.. We are getting somewhere. This I can relate to.

"he chooses not to comply"

"and make do as I have for over the past 20 years."

^^^ I modified the last one.

"It was like reading some unknown language. I sure hope I don't come across to others the way he pictured me."

Tell me how I picture you? You will not hurt my feelings. I may not post tomorrow but I will post.

"Well, now Forrest, I could let that hurt my feelings (but I won't), b/c I have worked very hard over the four decades of M without very much help or encouragement from my "other half" what-so-ever! Anyone that knows me and knows him....also knows the truth!"

I am not here to hurt your feelings. Don't stop posting. We (Me and You) communicate different. I had to get you to my communication level. I am understanding it better now. Bear with me. So what you are telling me is "everyone" sees it your way. They see the "truth". I like it.

"I really don't know what some expect me to do."

I want you to slow down on your personal development for just a second.

"I told him that I didn't like what he was suggesting and neither would my H and that I didn't think it would work for us....."

For the record... That was not me. Please stop putting me in the same group as him. As much as you want to confuse me and "him". That is not me. I hear you.

"Just b/c I didn't think that particular list of "assignments to do" would work my particular personality or my H's.....doesn't mean I would not look at something else offered."

Again for the record.. That was not me. Now for the record I will ask.. Why do you want to please everyone? Got a little tip for ya.. Thats not really you. You learnt that. Life has taught you that. Stop it!

"I appreciate the support that people here have given me and the encouragement."

I have given you none.

"That helps a lot. And....I want to help in return"

I see you.. in me. Here is what I see. This is what I can latch on to. I can "see" you wanting other people not being you. Here we agree. I don't want people to be "Me". It sucks and I wish it on no one. I understand.

"I think both my H and I have had to go through some "spiritual" healing between us."

This is important. You will notice I left out the fluff or the "". Do not try and communicate back as I do. Fully understand you do not get me. I know you don't. I don't expect you to. I don't want you to. I can see who you are just fine. Stop trying to please everyone. I "see" you. I stated it above. Just type. Like you would. You actually make it move obvious when you try to talk like me. Imagine that.

"always am hoping that a better day is around the corner"

It is. You have been around as long as me. Actually about the same time. We have followed different paths. Sadly your path has been much harder. Now I can see how you could fall into it. But I wanted you to do something much different.

Me and you now.

I know the issues you have had. It sucks to be old. Don't take that wrong. But it just sucks that on top of it all.. Well you are old. You forget things. You can't make it all work like you wanted. Stuff just does not work like it used to. Still DB applies. Where are you gonna be when they move him from his "chair"? I gotta think right by his side. That says alot to me. I want you (My wife) right there too. What you are doing/have been doing is not working. I know you have tried. With all your heart. And it did not work. Sad as it seems you gotta try again. You got to make it work. You posted. You got my vote.

This is by far (In my book) the best post you have ever made.

I am glad I got the pressure up. I don't care that you did not understand. Or anyone else for that matter.

Simple story is you have "excused" what you are doing is not working.

Lets work together and find something that might.

As much as you may think this went "no where". I am really "liking it".

You keep this up ... We will have you fixed up in no time. MLC and all.

[sandi2]

Forrest, you said that I quoted the below statement as being said by you, but I didn't.

I told him that I didn't like what he was suggesting and neither would my H and that I didn't think it would work for us....."

For the record... That was not me. Please stop putting me in the same group as him. As much as you want to confuse me and "him". That is not me. I hear you.

"Just b/c I didn't think that particular list of "assignments to do" would work my particular personality or my H's.....doesn't mean I would not look at something else offered."

Again for the record.. That was not me.

I told you that was what DomR had told me and that I tried to tell him in a nice way that it would not work for me & H and that I personally did not like it and was not going to apply it.
But, he continued to push (as always), so I was through with it. You can turn back to page 5 of this thread to read for yourself. But I have not said that it was Forrest that said that. You are the one that has the memory loss, dear.

[Lanzo]

Hi Sandi/Forrest,

I think your discussion would make for a very interesting debate , but the problem is that the two of you are not in "sync" with your communication styles, it's almost like watching two people speak to each other in different languages.

Maybe there is a common form of concise written English you can use both use ? .

I say this cos the two of you are my biggest influences on this board and I just want to watch listen and learn from your discussion.

I told him that I didn't like what he was suggesting and neither would my H and that I didn't think it would work for us....."

For the record... That was not me. Please stop putting me in the same group as him. As much as you want to confuse me and "him". That is not me. I hear you.

"Just b/c I didn't think that particular list of "assignments to do" would work my particular personality or my H's.....doesn't mean I would not look at something else offered."

Again for the record.. That was not me.

My take on this quote was that Forrest wasn't accusing you (Sandi) of attributing the quotes to him, more so he was saying , don't bracket him together with this other person who made the quotes cos he's not pushing you in the same way. I came to that conclusion after re reading it about 3 times.

Anyway I look forward to you both re-engaging your discussion.


Lan

[Dom R]

I left SSM forum b/c I did not want to go there to begin with....DomR kept pushing me to move my thread over there ...

For the record, I pushed you to do that, because of what you were complaining about in your marriage.
You were complaining about not being able to get to a place where you felt positive about, or at least ok with, physical intimacy with your H. Or even basic touching.

That sort of issue, is exactly what the SSM forum is supposed to help people with.

So, I went with what you said you wanted.

That doesnt seem to be what you want, or care about, any more. So it definately makes sense for you not to be posting in there any more.

The question is: what DO you want now? And are you going to actually DO anything, to work towards it?

------

Anyways, I just posted today, so as to not unjustly be made another excuse for "why you didnt..." or similar.
Even your long post on how you "offer no excuses", was filled with excuses for yourself. It's sad that I guess you cant even see that. That's why you dont understand Forrest's earlier post to you. He(?) sees it. I see it. But I guess you cant.

I hope the best for you. That someday, you have both a better marriage, and a clearer image of yourself.

- Dom

[Forrest Gump]

So here in lies the issue most of us really have to deal with.

Communication.

Yes I am having a difficult time communicating with Sandi2.

She is having a difficult time communicating with DomR and FG.

Lan got it right on the head. Dead on. I thought it was pretty clear but I was wrong. I will need to use more words. I have to remember not everyone thinks like me.

Yes DomR I am a he. Yes I can see what you are talking about. But as noted above I am struggling a bit with how to make my point. I could do it but in doing so I think it would come across as offensive. The mods are already admonishing me as we speak. Plus I am really not trying to beat up on Sandi2.

The last post that I responded to from Sandi2 helped alot it gave me a starting point and some references. I don't know if Sandi2 will keep that up till we can get in "sync". I feel she is getting frustrated and I can see why.

Sandi2, yes I was being serious when I said bear with me. Yes I was being serious when I said I needed you to come down to my communication level. I hope you are angry/frustrated with me enough to keep posting like you did, Yet not frustrated/angry enough to tell me not to post. I really am not trying to beat you up. Nor am I trying to put you down. All I will do hopefully is put a little spin on what you say. Hopefully you will learn something from it. I have learned alot from the stuff you have typed. I am not here to try and take that away from you.

[sandi2]

Anyways, I just posted today, so as to not unjustly be made another excuse for "why you didnt..." or similar.
Even your long post on how you "offer no excuses", was filled with excuses for yourself. It's sad that I guess you cant even see that. That's why you dont understand Forrest's earlier post to you. He(?) sees it. I see it. But I guess you cant.

I was not going to even recognize this with a response, but I will one last time......

First, I don't like being accused of saying something that I did not say, which FG does quite often. Although I can understand how that could happen when reading so many posts here on the board. I was trying to clear that up for Forrest, b/c he has stated on more than one post that "I" said something when it was not me that said it. I would even go back to read to make sure. Whenever I would point that out....it would be totally ignored in the reply from FG.

The biggest problem I have with you and FG is that I don't like to be called lazy (especially, when neither of you don't have a clue as to what I do everyday and the pure stress that I endure from my job) and I don't like for my explainations which was more FYI, rgarding my health problems to be classified as "excuses".

I am very sensitive about that b/c the majority of people do not understand and it really works on my emotional state to have to deal with the pain of the disease and the attitudes of people I work with...... but there is no point in going on further with it b/c it will be seen as an excuse. I suppose b/c I was laid up in bed all day today b/c I could not function----is just an excuse for ....what? To get to stay in bed all day? It is not enjoyable, I can tell you that! It hurts badly when people are so cold to give off-handed remarks when they don't know....they just don't know. And yet, they would not think of telling people who had a "visable" disease some of the crap I have been told to my face and more behind my back.

How do you try to explain or enligten, or inform something---without it being said that it is only an excuse? If that is the case, then anyone that comes to this board and tells about their marriage problems and goes into any detail about their home life, work situation, health problems, special children they may have to raise, or anything else.....would be seen as "excuses". I believe that is unacceptable from somebody that won't even have his own thread here on the board. If that is the case, this board won't last long, will it?

When asked about why you did not have your own thread on the board....(and get this), you merely said that you had your reasons.....hummmm, sounds like an "excuse" to me. It must be nice to go around giving all that advice to others and yet won't share your own personal life inside your four walls everyday. What are your strategies to get your M back on track? And, remember, no excuses! Would you like for me to give you a list of assignments on what I think you should do? As I recall, when you were sort of backed up into a corner by another person, you had an excuse yourself and said that it wouldn't work in your case. Isn't that the very same thing that I tried to tell you when you continued to press me? And you talk about me not seeing it in my stitch! But then I suppose you are an exception.

Oh, I know you tell about a "family day" once in a while and that you even still have sex with your wife--whenever she will let you, but it isn't the same as shredding your soul on here to try to give people a look inside of where you are living life everyday and what you have to deal with on a daily basis. Do you know how that makes me feel for you to come back at me and tell me that it only an excuse?

I think that you were ticked b/c I did not follow your plan for me. So anything I say is an excuse. Okay....that is your opinion. I am entitled to one also, and I don't agree with you. I didn't like what you suggested, but I did allow room for some other suggestion....but you wouldn't move from that narrow mind of "it is my way on this particular issue or no way at all and if you don't do it my way, you are full of excuses". That is the way it came across to me. Perhaps that attitude in you is what your W sees also.

I believe FG's heart is in the right place, but I just cannot understand what he is saying or meaning. It is like something coming from planet Mars at me. He says things that I truly believe he has confused me with somebody else....but then, that is probably just one of my excuses.

[sandi2]

Well, I haven't posted on my own thread in a while, so thought I better say something.......

I did have a talk to my H about some things that have been said on here. He knows, of course, that I am on the board a lot and in fact, I suspect he had done some reading of his own. Anyway, I did tell him of DomR's list of things he thought should work in our M. I wanted to know if it was just me or if I truly did know my H after all these years. So, I explained Dom's ideas about it and sure enough my H hated it. He said that was not the way he operated.

I knew it would not work in spite of DomR telling me over and over again that he could not understand why it would work for us b/c it worked for him! In spite of him saying that I was just using excuses and that I did not want to work on my M. Oh well......don't want to start up another round, but I just wanted anyone that may keep up with all this that I did discuss it with my H.

I have been able to attend Church services on Sunday mornings more the past couple of months. Still can't make it to night services or mid-week. My body starts shutting down around 3:00 and I have a hard time the rest of the evening. My H has been so good to either fix something for supper or get carry out. I have told him how much I appreciate him being so good to me and understanding how it is for me after I come home from work. However, I seem to be that way on the weekends also. But anyway, he is much more understanding about my physical limitations now than he used to be in the beginning. I think one reason is that he has read up more about it and is much more informed.

Last year when his birthday came, it was right after he approached me about the OM. I was in a terrible mess and was even thinking very seriously about leaving him. My mother knew I was messed up and she fixed his birthday supper at her house and had the family to meet there. We always make a big to do over birthdays in our family. However, I did not even as much as buy him a birthday card last year. It was probably obvious to everyone, but I didn't really care at the time.

So, this year I wanted to try to make up for last year by really fixing something nice for his birthday. Well, wouldn't you know that my Fibro got really bad and I had my feet in those "boots" you wear when you break a bone. I had both hands in braces and both knees in braces. But my daughter and DIL and mother all cooked supper and brought to our home. They did a good job and we all enjoyed it. But I had wanted to do it myself b/c of last year. Hopefully, I can the next time around.

We are facing some serious difficulty with our GS. I won't talk about it now, but would appreciate your prayers. The situation he is influenced in is pulling him away from our family and he is being manipulated by another person. The more we talk, the further away he gets from us......so I thought about the DB techniques and I just stopped talking to him about it. There is nothing I can do and I am praying that God will open his eyes to what is really facing him if he continues to go this path he has chosen.

The reason I even bring this up is b/c he is still living in the home with me and my H. So, of course, that has some affect on us, but we have not argued with each other about our GS.....just talked about the situation. We have been able to maintain stability and calmness with each other. I don't remember us getting into an argument or having harsh words toward each other since I decided to stay in my M and make it work. It was a strain for a while and I won't deny that! But now, we are able to laugh, we talk, we show physical affection and I think we have come a long way from where we were this time last year. I feel good about it and I really don't care if anyone thinks I am doing what I need to be doing or not. As long as we feel good about it, that is what matters to me. You have to get to that point before you can move any further.

Simple story is you have "excused" what you are doing is not working

.

Okay, FG, that quote was from you. So my question is, what have I "excused" that what I am doing is not working? I don't get it. What do you expect me to do? You keep refering to the man in "the chair" and making him move. Then you talk about me being old and forgetting things and it sucks. I really appreciated that, by the way. But then, I thought maybe you were talking about yourself (lol). BTW, the "man in the chair" you keep refering to is old also. He doesn't care about moving too much these days. So, I guess you will have to explain more about what you mean. Talk to me as though I am a child and help me understand. Paint or draw me a picture of what you are saying. Why is it hard for people to accept the fact that we are doing okay? You said you did not want to be put in the same category as DomR, but you and he are the only ones that have talked to me about me using excuses and not doing anything, etc.

BTW, where is your thread? I tried to find it, but gave up b/c I was going in circles.

[Miss IC]

Sandi,

You've got mail

-IC

[sandi2]

oh, thanks, I need to go check that!