I don't know what advice you want, really. You are doing the very best you can. I can only tell you to let him be a fool. Let him be an idiot. Be there for you and your kids (sorry, can't remember if you have more than one D). I feel for you so much. I am glad the facebook thing was a misunderstanding.
My H is far removed as well. Its hard to not be included in their new life.
Thanks for the reply lwb. Sorry you going through all of this as well. Just wish that one day my phone would ring or doorbell and it would be h saying he wants to come back and he made a big mistake. Reality is setting in and financially life is getting harder. I had to cancel a Dr's appointment for our d because I did not have the money and he would not help out.
Everyone keeps on telling me to get the D to protect myself financially but then it is really over (not that it isn't now - he treats me worse than a stranger, like their was never anyhting between us). I have this awful feeling that ow may be pregnant, don't know why i think this but all the other feelings have been right! can i ask him if she is?
Although he is far removed he still thinks I belong to him in a sense. I had my ear pierced and he seemed a bit fascinated by this, all of a sudden he runs his finger along my ear, I am not allowed to touch him but he can do that??? earlier on in the visit i was sitting next to him and i said that something had freaked me out and he stroked my head. Bizarre behaviour.
He is so removed from our life that he could not remember d's date of birth. This is all so strange. I am trying so hard but my biggest question really is if he is so removed by going dark and dbing is that not just giving him the space to get even closer to ow because then i really don't exist OR do I just have to go with the faith that something inside him will begin to miss me? He told me he has not shed a tear and does not miss me at all.
This all feels like a nightmare. Part of me is angry that he has someone and I am alone and should he never come back i have to go out there and start all over again.
Hard day today. More of our mutual friends have started avoiding me...Have to start my life from scratch! I feel a bit like a 12 year old girl in a new school. Everyone has their circle of friends and their lives and now I expect them to include me.
d is too cute and honestly gives me the strength to carry on.
But in a way it's good b/c I have really found out my true best friends and who they are. I have 2 girlfriends that have been supersupportive and call me frequently to check in and make sure I'm ok. I hadn't realized what good friends they are until my marriage crisis.
I've also made a bunch of new friends. I did it by trying out for that play I'm doing; I've made a whole bunch of new friends that are funny and fun to be around, which is great too! I'm not suggesting you should do that, but maybe a new class or new hobby or something to make new friends. It's been very good for me to try something new/make new friends. Karen
Thanks Karen for that advice, It is hard to make new friends but I went out with my cousin and two of his friends. We went for dinner and then went to a club for drinks...I had no idea there was a world out there that did not revolve around my h. but i must be honest, it is daunting how single woman are like vixens. Always felt safe with my h. Weird thing --- the guys were commenting on some woman that walked past and then remembered I was with them and they suddenly went quiet...strange thing is I used to commment on woman to my husband and we would discuss whether someone was hot or not!!!!
On a more serious note I need some Dbing advice. Husband has been so far removed and has never broken down infront of me. Today something strange happened. Some background info first: h asked if he could have our computer so he could put music onto his ipod. I said I was busy with it doing stuff for work which is true and said he could not take it. A few days later he asked again and i said no still busy.
Today he arrived and was playing 20 questions with me. Very interested in an event I am going to, asking who I was going with etc. the phone rang, he wanted to know who I was speaking to and when i said i was going out for dinner he wanted to know who with. Then he was playing with d and I said he could put music on ipod. He did. When it was time to leave he asked if he could take some cd's and I said sure just bring them back (We have a huge collection of cd's and dvd's which he claims are his). I played it cool and while he went off at me I listened, validated his feelings and reminded him that I am also human and have feelings. I did not cry = a first!
I said that I was using computer for work and it was not a personal attack. I also made it clear that the cd's were important to me. They were a huge part of our life together. I told him that it scared me that he was sad over leaving them behind but not me. I also told him that I wondered why I was longing for him and why I loved him if this is who he is. He said he has always been like this and i told him that he has changed and that he was never like this but he is now. I also told him he was never so uncaring...This is where it got interesting, I kept my calm thanks to dbing. I told him he will go home and justify every decision made because I am a B*tch and would not give the computer and I said that I will spend the night wondering why he is fighting so much for material possessions but not fighting for me and missing me.
I then told him I really had to get going and that I do not want to hate him and never could be horrible to him . I said i am trying to cut him out of my life like he has cut me out and he was making it very hard.
I started walking to my car door and he called me, he said sorry and said he did not mean to have an outburst. Sai it was a crappy ending to a crappy day (I think he was looking for a fight ). He then gave me a hug (first time in 6 months)! Wow there is a human inside him.
Now here is where I need advice: Do I cave and give him the computer to use?????? Do I give him all the cd's and dvd's????
and I said that I will spend the night wondering why he is fighting so much for material possessions but not fighting for me and missing me.
Yep. I hate that.
I don't know what you should do about the computer. Something H and I decided was if one of us kept the big ticket item, that we would split the cost of the same (new) item for the other person's house (especially if it benefited the kiddos). I would let it pass for now, and see if he asks again.
Thanks for advice lwb. I dont think that it occurred to h that he was doing that and when I said that he was he said I was turning the tables. Told him he was worried about his collection and I was connected to the music etc because of all the times we had intimate moments while it was playing in the background. I think that sunk in?
right now money is such a huge issue ie. there is none and OW does not have a computer. It is so easy to cave into what they want and they know it. What felt strange is that a week ago I would have sat in the corner crying and instead I got in my car and drove off feeling okay. The hug was a big surprise. So easy to set myself up thinking it meant more than it was but it was more than he has given in a long time. So in the past week we have gone from head pat, stroking my newly pierced ear to a hug.
counsellor asked me a question yesterday, she said is there life after an affair and i said YES.So she said problem with my h is that he knows he can leave and i will hang on. Food for thought but i would still give him the beneift of the doubt.
Amazing how things change. A few days ago I thought life could never go on without h now I realize that it will!!!!
I was so worried that I would be alone for rest of my life if h never came back but I wont. Met someone the other night who has a great sense of humour and is actually keen to get to know me. What an ego boost, just have to be careful to not expect too much. So strange, I want h back more thananything but enjoying idea of being around someone new who appreciates me??? any advice?
If you still want your husband back more than anything, don't go out on a date with anyone. What would happen if this new guy trips your trigger and then H wants to come back? Do you think it would be fair to the new guy who is interested in you if he started having feelings for you and your H came back? No offense intended at all because I know how it feels, but it's almost like the thinking affairees go through. And would you be able to make a rational judgement about this new person? You could find yourself in an affair so easily right now. All you'd need is this new person to pay attention to you and you'd be in bed with him quicker than you can blink.
I know what you're feeling. My WW and I still are living together but it's like we've been separated living in the same house for 7 months. I would KILL for a hug (5 months ago I tried to hold her hand and you'd have thought I had the plague). The other day I was at a sports bar and the barmaid just brushed my hand while grabbing my credit card and it about sent me through the roof so I know what being lonely is all about.
Don't get involved with anyone new until you've really moved on from your husband and have given yourself time to learn about you first.
Last edited by Hope4us; 03/23/0805:08 PM.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
