sorry if I got you worried about my S. He is fine. We talked and hugged and kissed and tickled and he is fine. That's the problem, you believe kids are doing better and then suddenly they show you again how much they hurt and you get back to zero point worrying sick about them...
My H isn't. After letting him get away with "Hmmm", "I see", "I know", "Really" etc. yetsreday, he got on my nerves again today.
He called and said something about something I can't remember what and then asked me where am I taking the kids for Easter (28th -I think- April Greek Orthodox). I replied that I want to take them on a short trip beacuse we obviously missed our winter ski trip this year and I want to make it up to them. He said "fine" and "bye".
Have you seen the cartoons blowing steam out of their ears? Well, that was me, in the middle of a super hectic work day...
So, I called right back, super calm and asked him, her eis the diallogue, it's easier for me
M- Did you mean anything with the question about Easter? H- What do you mean? M-Well did you mean anything, like "I want to be with the kids, I will miss the kids", do we include you in our plans, anything else or was it a question with no meaning? H- No, I was just asking M- Are you doing anything? H-I'll be working M- Well, I called you to tell you that we need to communicate H-What do you mean? M-We have two kids, I have tried to protect you from the consequences of your choices and keep the pressure off you H-I know that, I feel it M-...and I will keep doing that as far as I am concerned H-Ok M-BUT, our kids are a different story. I have kept from you many details about how they feel because the last thing I wanted was to make you beleive I am using them to pressure you H-I don't think that M-Well then you must know that our S and D are having big problems. And it seems to get worse as they see that we are getting along better. We create expectations and they can't take the waiting... H- UGHHHHHHHHHH M- I can't handle this on my own. We are obviously making a mistake here and while I believe we both mean well we are causing them unnecessary pain H- UGHHHHH M-Can you please talk to me? H-You are right, Ive noticed our son isn't well too. What should we do? M- Well first of all, talk to each other about what is going on. So far I made a mistake keeping you out of this but I will correct that H-Please do so, I want you to. M-I will, I thought about it. We'll be their parents for ever and we need to communicate well H- I agree, from now on talk to me M-The reason I haven't done so is that I feel you are doing some hard thinking and I wanted you to be "free" to decide what you want H-UGHHHHHHH M-Are you? H- Yes I am... M- I thought the fact that you didn't continue with the legal sep papers was a gesture from you H- I thought it was form both of us M-You stopped it, I never wanted it H-Yes but we both decided to stop all that M-Right, and I haven't asked you why because I respect you and I have the patience H-Thanks, I don't want to discuss my thoughts with anyone yet M-Just know that MAYBE while you ara looking for answers I may be able to help you with some H-Hmmm M-But you need to talk to me, I am not translating you any longer, I've decided I 've done this in the past and was wrong, so just know that if you need help, you need to ask me and I will be there H-OK, thanks M- I was always there for you but failed to show you that H-I know now, thanks
I know there's more coming, but I thought the first part here seemed to go well. It's good that he said that he wanted to speak and communicate more about the kids, and I love your supportive statements at the end....
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
you know the story about the flat tyre and the "f&%k you and your tool?" Well here it is: (excuse my typos and grammar)
A guy drives in the middle of nowhere and gets a flat tyre. He is a nice guy in general, polite, thoughtful etc.
It's 2 o'clock in the morning, let's say in the desert where Jeff lives, and he starts changing his tyre with a flash light. Pretty soon he realises he can't, because he doesn't have a tool (wrench or something like that). So, he is bummed and looks around. He sees far away, 2km at least a farm with a house. No bright lights or anything but he can tell people are living there. So now he is thinking of his choices: stays there until dawn hoping someone will pass by or will walk to the house and ask for help. He hates to do that but he needs to get home so he decides to walk to the house. While walking he is playing various scenarios in his head : -"I'll knock, an ugly mean farmer will answer, will ask me what the heck I want, I will ask for the tool and he'll say he doesnt have one" or -"I'll knock, an ugly mean farmer will answer, will ask me what the heck I want, I will ask for the tool and he will punch me for waking him up" or -"I'll knock, an ugly old lady will answer, will shout at me for waking her up and shut the door on my face " or --"I'll knock, an ugly mean farmer with his ugly wife will answer, will scream at me for waking up their baby, punch me and shut the door on my face" or even worse --"I'll knock, an ugly mean farmer with his ugly wife will answer, will scream at me for waking up their baby, punch me and shut the door on my face and shoot at me through the window while I'll try to escape" OR --"I'll knock, an ugly mean farmer with his ugly wife will answer, will scream at me for waking up their baby, punch me and shut the door on my face and shoot at me through the window and actually get me and I will be bleeding and die after a while and my wife and kids will be devasted"
While thinking of all this he gets to the house and he is so angry already for the way "they treated" him that he bangs furious on the door and just as a friendly face of a young man opens the door he yells at him "F$%k YOU AND your tool!!!!!!!!!" and turns around and walks away...
Well, I hope you enjoyed my story. This is me and my H. And this is what I told him today I stopped doing with him, my mom (big issue there) and the rest of the people I interact with and I am happier that ever.
I made a comment about this story to him and he agreed that that was a problem we had and we need to stop. I told him my life continues, I am moving on and wanted to know what I meant.
I said, "you know I'll wait for you, but not lay there and be unhappy, I am having fun, making plans, go out, enjoy my kids, I am moving on" He said he sees that.
Anyway, I know not of all you agree with this discussion but it felt good. First of all we touched THE issue. We aknowledged we are re-evaluating our sitch, BOTH OF US. He aknowledged I am giving him space and freedom to decide, he seemed sad but relieved in some way that it was all out in the open between us although he didn't talk much. He called later and I was on DBing mode and happy and he asked if he will take the kids to their T on Sat. We agreed he would. Already spoke to my T and she told me "he is paralyzed of fear, that's all, in the beginning I was very against Recons, I am not anymore, he is very nice guy, just confused and we need to help him out" (I have another story you need to listen). She said, I'll talk to him on Sat, see how he feels...
Later my friend whose kid had the party on Sat called and told me that her H called my H (very good friends of ours-godparents of our D, vacation every year together etc) and told my H that my kids looked horrible on Sat." You see it yourself, K has changed, no excuses for you man, sorry I am harsh but your kids should be your first priority, and BTW, time is not on your side" He said thanks for telling me, K told me already, I will decide soon...
I had not planned it this way and until up to recently I didn't allow anyone to talk to him, so he wouldn't feel pressure. My friend didn't ask me. The timing was weird, we'll see...
By the way, he is leaving on a trip on Monday, coming back on Wed. Also my T thinks, he will be deciding soon cause the last weeks he feels the urgency. He sees there is no point going on like this. I just hope he decides FOR us and not against us...
Kalni, Don't second guess yourself on the talk you had with your H. You felt you needed to do it and it seems to have gone well. You have to bring up issues about the kids; you have given him a lot of space and haven't pressured him but there comes a point when WAS needs to realize their actions may be having a negative affect on their children.
I am praying for you, that your H comes to the right decision for you and your family.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Kalni, I have sitch very similar to yours. I feel as if I already know you. I just saw my T today and she said that there are some things I need to talk to my H about. There is only so long you can stand back. I have had those conversations w/ my H too where all I get back is "Hmmmm". Stay strong.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
