NikB #25

[NikB]

Thanks all!

OT
Thanks as always for the excellent advice and especially the excellent way of saying it. I feel like I've/we've come such a long way but I realize I still have such a long way to go on the open communication thing (especially when I see something like what you posted which makes me smack my forehead and go "well duh, of course that's what I should say" ). Thanks.

L2
Thanks! Yes, this really does feel like so much more than those scraps I was looking for and clinging to for a long time. Now to keep moving forward and not get (too) comfortable..

jak
I'm sure OT won't mind if you borrow the advice for your sitch too.

Michelle
Thanks! Things seem to be looking up for you, too - very glad to see that. I'm doing the un-fun "catch up" tasks today, but it feels great to be getting some of it done. And I figure that will allow me to enjoy the REST of the long weekend.

I'll check out the upcoming track schedule and email it to ya.

Trixi
Thanks!

What I'm not expressing.. basically anything and everything "scary." If it's good, positive, hopeful, I express it. Absolutely nothing either past or present about any of my fears, hurt, anger, pain, or even needs, really. He is guessing at lots of my needs and doing a pretty good job of it (i.e. the always knowing where he is and who with), but that's not fair to either of us. We both need to be able to share those kinds of things - especially the "needs" and not expecting mindreading from each other - which is where a lot of this all started!

The one recent time he did tell me, very calmly, about a totally reasonable need that he has, I dramatically overreacted - crying, shaking, just very upset. I half recovered by thanking him and saying it was way better to tell me than NOT tell me - but I fully realize that it's very likely he's now thinking "WTF, I'm not telling her anything like that again if she's going to flip out."

He said in a nutshell "I want to tell you something without making you upset. It makes my brain hurt when you give me too much information about things." (and gave me an example from earlier in the evening). What I heard/felt was closer to "I don't want you talking to me, you drive me nuts, I don't want to hear anything you have to say, I'm leaving if you don't get this right." I KNOW that is not right or even accurate, and I know it's fear that's causing it.

So what I SHOULD have done, I think, was thank him for telling me. Preferably without getting upset since it was a totally reasonable thing to ask for - but since it DID bring up a bunch of emotion for me and I DID get upset, I should have shared right then what was causing it. "Thank you for telling me that and for the example. I kind of understand but I'm not sure exactly what you mean, so please let me know if you notice me doing it so I can understand better and work on it. I know I'm over-reaccting right now. It's not about what you're asking me to do. I'm upset because I'm scared..." If I expressed that fear to him it would have made a helluva lot more sense and been far better for repairing our M than the way I reacted.

Just an example, the most dramatic one from recently. I'm working on it but dang it's tough, it seems like it should be so easy.

ST
Yes, funny enough I remember all this happening last year when H came back and I got more comfortable that he was planning to stay. So I agree it's probably very normal - I also think I need to handle it a LOT differently this time, by opening up and trying to build that intimacy instead of panicking and building/reinforcing a wall of my own. Based on how he approached me with what he needed I think he is really looking for that right now, too.

I agree, I don't want to totally unload on him. There's a LOT over the past couple of years that's not even worth talking about because I've let it go. But what's left is very obviously affecting things now. I'd actually say the true emotion underlying this all is fear, not anger. But it's coming out as anger, for sure - and it really isn't fair. It is MY issue that I am afraid to talk about the "tough stuff" - which turns into anger towards him that I "can't talk to him." (I know, this isn't correct, as I said it's my issue but I find myself "blaming" him unfairly for it).

Ranting and raving about everything wouldn't do any good and I don't think it would make me feel better. I think that opening up and talking more about those kinds of things will absolutely make me feel better, though - and probably him, too. I think the anger will lessen very quickly when I express things more and ultimately feel safe about expressing things (and when he can do the same). I hope that makes sense. I realize we're just barely testing the waters on "reconnecting" right now, it's not going to happen overnight. It's also not going to happen if I hang on to the fear and keep everything inside, though - because I'll continue to be overreact, let resentment build, won't express what I need, and I'll make it difficult for H to approach me with his needs too.

Wow I am rambly again today!

Thanks again all. Forcing myself back over to Turbo Tax now...