I have for all of you, a question. A question about myself and how my post D relationships seem to be going. I'm looking forward to hearing your comments, input, insight, concerns and candor.
I've been post D for 3+ years. I've dated, short term and fairly long term, I've also spent the majority of that time being single and being Dad to my girls. I've continued to educate myself on this post D life and also continued to remind myself of all of the tidbits of knowledge I've gleened from my years on the DB boards, so suffice to say, I'm not a newbie to the entire package. (at least not in my view)
Here's the issue;
As I enter into a relationship, I find myself feeling different. Different than what I recall when dating previous to M. As I'm plugging along, I find myself asking if I'm supposed to feel different. Am I damaged goods for not getting nervous, jittery, all consumed or having sweaty palms when I meet a potential R partner or even after a relationship takes place for awhile?
My thoughts range from; I'm cautious with my emotions. I've developed confidence through this DBing process that I never had before and it is simply less stressful than the past. (Not to the side of arrogance, trust me, I have a mirror) I'm simply older (47) and more mature, where I'm more comfortable in any setting... or?
I am currently in a new R and am curious if my level of emotion is common? I read others posting about their R life post D and see where the excitement is robust. What's up with me?! Is it as simple as I just haven't found "the one"?
I'm curious if my experience is common. I'm sure all of the listed things play a role, I'm just not totally sure how to read myself.
So I'm supposed to find an answer to my dilemma here? Hmmmm...not sure.
Speaking for myself, I do have the racing heart etc when I see this guy, BUT I am also way more cautious. In the past, pre-STBX, I would have jumped right into a new R, no problem. Now, I want to get to know him first. This is due not just to the D, but also to having kids: I don't want to be introducing them to someone who is only going to be around for a short time.
WRT *ahem* ME (aka the most important person on this BB, not to mention the planet): Are you saying that you think he's being cautious? I'm not clear on that.
N
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
First things first..... I'll have a white russian please.
Now, onto your quandry..... it sounds as if you just have a level head and aren't rushing into things with unrealistic expectations. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Also, I'd add that you probably haven't found anyone who rocks your boat enough to give you all the 'butterflies in your tummy' feeling. Once you do..... you won't be able to stop all the crazy wonderful rushes that come along with a real romance.
just my thoughts, anyway....
Last edited by lost-n-found; 03/20/0810:40 PM.
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Also I can't just fall in love so deeply as I did before, cause now I tend to look at reality and not through rose colored glasses. Before I dove completely in, I no longer do that.
L-n-F, WL, It's good to know what I'm experiencing is "normal".
I realize there has to be some sort of collateral damage post D. I just knew my thoughts and feelings were differnt and I have been struggling with how to digest it. Being a certified Solution Detective has it's pros and cons!
Have you had dating experience post D? I am curious because of the responses, WL addresses the numbness and you mention the butterflies.
I certainly think the butterflies are something to look forward to and they bring us the special feelings we truely desire, but are they realistic? If so, how does one acheive butterfly status?
Just some more of my thoughts, throwing them out there.
Great topic, I’ve been struggling with the same thing so I’m afraid I don’t have any answers. Like you I think I have a healthy amount of self esteem but I realize I’m not exactly Brad Pitt. I’ve met a few very nice ladies with a long list of positives and very few negatives I have even enjoyed spending time with a couple of them but for some reason the fireworks never seem to go off. I sometimes wonder if I’ve lost the ability to fall in love.
I try hard not to read too much into it, maybe I’m just not ready yet, maybe I just haven’t met “the one” and I hope that if I just keep working on myself and let time do its thing some day it just might happen again for me. If it doesn’t that’s ok also, the more I work on myself the more I find that being alone isn’t half bad.
ALL
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
Thanks for the response. I beleive part of my issue is also age related. Not necessarily in the chronological sense, but the being able to retire sense.
The D, forced me to refinance to share the equity in our home and put me into a mortgage that runs well past the normal retirement age. I realize this is all choices I made, but my mind keeps reminding me I can't afford to get D'd again and the best way to avoid that is to not get married. Conversely, I truely believe it will be difficult, knowing what I do about females, to have any kind of long term mutual relationship, if I'm heistant to take to the leap.
Is there "the one" out there? Maybe. I guess I'm moving forward with open eyes, the part I'm struggling with is opening my mind. I hear what it is saying to me, it is processing the information to a definitive result that is eluding me.
I'm a little further along in my post D R than most of you. I'm currently living with my BF, after living alone for 3 1/2 yrs or so. I've wondered too about the butterfly feelings cuz to be honest, I just don't feel them. And, like you, I've thought "maybe he's not the one." But......in this R, I "do" feel calm, peaceful, loved, safe and centered. Soooooo, if this is the alternative to the "butterfly feelings", I'll take it!!!
