Sorry I've been absent.. busy at work with quarter end stuff.. also my notice went out this week.. I'll be finished work at the end of next week.
I'm not feeling very good emotionally right now.. I'd bet a portion is due to PMS and I'm sure leaving the security of my job (although it's my choice) has me a bit emotional..
My H truly seems very content for us to be apart permanently. He sees that D2 is managing things better now.. He came to see D2 last night but he didn't call at all during the day.. so the phone calls have lessened immensely. And no calls today. I'm not expecting any.. for some reason he's wanting distance again. What's a girl to do but give the space then! My Mom is picking up D2 from daycare today and is going to watch her.. so I'm going to go see a movie. It'll be nice to get out of the house and do something on my own. It's relaxing.
H will come over tomorrow so we can give our D her new tricycle for Easter. I hope she likes it.. I nearly smashed it into pieces due to the frustration of putting it together.
I don't know. I just don't feel like myself. At times like this I really wish I wasn't female.. 'cause I'd like to know that PMS isn't a factor with my mood.
I miss my H. I miss feeling loved and feeling safe.
I don't know whether I have anything worth saying to anyone else on their threads but I will check you out anyway.
((Everyone)) W2G
PS. It's official. I became a member of Parents Without Parters this week..
Sorry you're feeling a bit pants today. Hormones can be a pain can't they? I used to get really angry at certain times of the month in the past, but find that taking starflower oil seems to help even things out- might be worth a try if you haven't before.
I thought it was really interesting that you mentioned your H wanting to distance right now after the positive steps he was taking last week. I think it can be hard for the WAS to consistently move towards us. I kind of expected that once my H started taking steps towards me it would be a smooth path and contact would increase progressively until a 'magic' day when we were just together again.
But from reading the success stories, I think what happens is more of a feeling their way. So every time they take a step towards us, they need a bit of time to regroup before they feel safe enough to take another. My H may be doing this (although it's early days), and I wonder if your H is too. If he's distancing right now, he might just be regrouping, rather than being content to be apart permanently.....Anyway, I'm going on a bit and probably not making sense any more!
Just remember we all love you here. So there is really no loss of love for you. (((hugs)))
You are on the rollercoaster ride with you h just like I am. Up and down over and under, its enough to make you want to vomit.
Hang in there, enjoy the movie
bear
Me 42-Him 40 T20yrs Married 16yrs 2/06 H- "not sure if i want to be married anymore" 6/07 H-"I'm not happy" 9/07 Admits affair & OW 12/08 I moved out 12/09 still waiting for divorce
I award you.. "The official inspirer" (waving the wand dramatically before delicating bobbing your nose).
I went and found a close enough chapter of Parents without Partners and applied after reading your announcement. We'll see if they take me. My kids might be too old, but it would be nice to be in a group where I don't feel alone. Odd, huh?
PMS can be just plain annoying. Amazingly, PMA can be addicting. I've been throwing my own pity parties, struggling to leave them, then flopping back in. Once it hit me how emotionally charged this past week was the big DUH bell went off and seemed to help.
Remember.. hurtful thoughts multiply exponentially. A few little wounded whispers explode to searing heartbreak. Happy thoughts, a smile, finding joy in the moment take a little more work but provide much longer lasting results.
Oh my gawd...
Another inspiration!!!
Perhaps, just perhaps, Ms Whey... feeling sad so quickly versus feeling happier with more effort is like the difference between male and female arousal needs.
Pity parties, feeling bad is like the microwave of male arousal. Eek.. I thought about it, got me a .. uhh.. party. It's just there, hard wired, so to speak.
Getting the inner warm fuzzies is more like the crock pot of feminine sensuality. Take your time, relax, feel what is good and the next thing you know you're singing the Star Spangled Banner in eight languages.
Now men, know I am not putting you down (wrong image, sorry), this is just a teaching aid!
I was getting worried about you. I hope you are okay. I'm sorry you have been having a hard time. However, that's when you need to come here so we can take care of you. Or at least try.
I sit here in my living room.. D2 is napping in her bed and H is lying on the couch sleeping.. I look at him and just feel so hooked. This man will have my heart forever and yet he doesn't know if he wants it. Hmmm.
We had an R talk.. nothing emotional.. he actually was doing most of the talking. It started with looking at some pictures a friend of ours had taken of him.. he looked SOOO handsome (and I told him so) but he has lost the sparkle.. he used to have this mischievious (sp?) sparkle in his eye.. like he was high on life and that he had it by the tail.. but it's not there anymore. I mentioned that to him and told him that I hope he's able to find it again. He said he hoped so too. Somehow the topic got onto how he's really been trying lately to include me in his life.. to which I thanked him and told him that I saw the effort and appreciated it. He explained that he didn't need the praise but at the same time was pleased that his effort wasn't going unnoticed. He thanked me for being so friendly and open. He is so grateful I didn't shut him out.. he said he knew that I could have because he had done things that hurt me (like EA) and that he was sorry for hurting me. I thanked him for saying what he said. I told him I see glimpses of the old H now and again and it's nice. He said he does too. So I asked him how it feels when he slips back into being the old H.. he said it feels good but that he can't be just that guy anymore.. that he is also the guy I see before me today. I said I understood that.. and mentioned that right now he is probably old H about 10% of the time and new H about 90%. He chuckled and said "see I'm slowly making progress". Which is true.. because for a while there the H I knew was 0% and the new H was 100%.
He said in his trying to reconnect with me by contacting and sharing more that he realized just how bad our communication had gotten... he said that it's nice to talk to me about things but that it doesn't come naturally yet. He makes a conscious effort to include me. He expressed that it isn't a burden because he wants to do it but that he has to really focus on making the effort.
The only other thing I recall speaking about was with regards to EA... and he had said he was sorry for hurting me but that in his mind he drew a line that he would not cross into anything physical with anyone for fear of never being able to get back to us. I told him I appreciated that. I said that if people continue with EA though it's kind of tempting fate time and time again. He expressed that he wasn't tempting fate anymore. I also said to him that we can't go back to what we had. At one time it was beautiful.. and that I still believe what we had was rare and worth fighting for.. but that it had deteriorated and we can't go back to that.. we'd have to build something new and better if we were working on a future together.
So, that was the talk. We are still in friendship mode... and still in limbo.. but from what it sounds like he is going to use the summer to test himself.. to see if he is able to make his work commitments while still trying to balance some time for D2 and I (all while living outside the house I presume).. 'cause he wants to see if he is capable of being all of the things he wants to be.
I am still going to focus on me building more friendships.. spending quality time with my daughter.. and hopefully figuring out what I want to do professionally.
Speaking of my professional dilemma. Are any of you out there reading this career counsellors? I could really use your help if you are!
