So sorry Tree! I know it hurts so much. Will be thinking of you. Look after yourself..... even though it was not unexpected it will still have come as a shock, and your whole body will no doubt be reacting to it. It is so normal.
It aint over till its over. She needs this time to sort herself out. It may take a while but guaranteed that she will eventually discover for herself that she is the sole person responsible for her happiness and she cant blame you for everything. Heaps of people reconcile, so dont lose hope just yet.
You briefly mentioned a that things were your fault. It's probably that you both contributed to your marital problems, with perhaps you bearing more of the "fault." Obviously you can share here only what you feel like sharing, and I'm not asking for more information. I'm only saying that if you haven't followed the question of "What could I have done differently?" you will not use this crisis to grow. Take this time to look hard at yourself, at what you want from your partner (whether it's her or someone else), and what you have to give someone. She's on her own time and her own journey. She may figure out her "fault" six months from now, six years from now, or never. You don't know that, and you can't control it. Work on yourself in every sense of that phrase. That means taking care of the day to day things, as well as looking deeply at yourself. That looking at yourself takes time, and it can be painful, but it does lead to growth if you stick with it. I've been on this path, and for all the pain of separation (and likely a D), I wouldn't want to go back to the old me. I really mean that. Lights have come on about all sorts of things in my life, and while it's been hard it's been necessary and good too. I hope you are on a similar path.
Well she didn't go file. We went to my office and took a look at splitting assets. It was very tearful for both of us. Crying huggs and all. She just said she was ready to move on and start dating other people. We talked this morning. Big hug and kiss when i left and i asked her to think about giving it a little more time. She said she would think about it. On my way to Vermont.
Wow, that must have been so emotionally distressing and hurtful for both of you. But, maybe it's not over yet. She didn't file, and even if she files she can pull it back.
What do you want? Would you ever file? That's a question I still struggle with. Some days I'm ready for closure and eager to move on with my new life without her. Other days I believe, or want to believe, that we can create a new marriage together. I don't have any evidence that she is interested in that, but it's what I feel. So, the rollercoaster takes many twists and turns. So, I struggle myself with not knowing what I want. I am resting in-between for now. That can't go on forever, but it has gone on longer than I thought it would. She hasn't filed; I haven't filed. We're not even talking about splitting assests, as we tentatively tried to do through email a couple of months ago. We're just not talking, period.
Your W still sounds very confused. Now, she may go through with the D even though she's confused, so be ready for that. On the other hand, she might reach a different conclusion at some point. As long as the paperwork isn't signed, time is your ally, provided that what you indeed want is a reconciliation. Every day that goes by without making the D official or moving it along is a good day for you, so long as you want to give this a shot.
So, what do you want? Easier asked than answered, I feel. We just don't run quickly away from those we love or those who have been such a part of our lives for so long. Maybe it's a slow drip of detachment, until one day we really are ready for a clean break, that one day we file even though we never thought WE would be the one to do that.
Wise words Bruce, I need to get use to the idea of this whole thing.I am just not there yet. Still very painful. I wonder if she wants me to file so she can be the "poor me". I wonder what I really want. These are really hard days. I need to get a handle on things.
Having a tough day today. I asked her if she wanted to get an apartment today that we could split. I don't know if this was a good idea or not. She said she would think about it but still thinks the outcome is going to be the big D because she doesnot love me anymore. I asked her for some more time and if we could see someone with me whom could help us communicate and she said she would.
I feel your pain in reading what is happening. This is a very similar place to where I am w/ W. in some ways. I agree with Bruce's take that it seems there is some confusion in there for her, and it is unpredictable as to where she may go next. I know it is so hard to figure out where to steer yourself in this messy, very painful place, Tree.
Thanks Purr, Hey Dom, WOW!!!! this is tough. So painful. We are going out to get something to eat now. I just got really yelled at for asking what her plans where for the weekend. The kids could not believe the way she was yelling at me. Really hard to bit my toung but I did OK. Thanks for the note.
That is really hard...it's so tough to know what is happening inside for your W. Good for you for biting your tongue. Remember, lots of breathing, take 5 seconds before you answer or react to something that triggers you. Good luck,
