Seems that I have been in an overall downward drift the past few weeks. I feel like I am running out of time, and the frustration and anxiety are growing. This can't be how it all ends. This isn't how it is supposed to be.
Another tearful encounter in the driveway. More stonewalling, saying it is done, he doesn't want to try. The more passive I get, the more aggressive he is. The same event unfolds, like we have rehearsed it. His parents bring me back to the house, while he punches my car before peeling out of the drive.
I feel like this is life or death; to give up is to give up my very being. To be without him... How do I convey this to him? How does he not understand? I know he cares, that he loves me--he calls back, he stays even when I am like this.
But he is not in love with me anymore. He is in love with someone else. He doesn't want to reconcile. I feel so hopeless.
I want there to be some way to reach him.
Yes, I can move on and find moments of happiness, but it will never be the same. They will be fleeting, and tainted with what is missing, the void within me. He will always be the father of my children, the one I pledged to love for as long as I shall live. I will live the rest of my days under the shadow of that. I don't think I can face that. Any happy moments just bring up the pain that is always there, the stark contrast. The kids compound my failure--I needed to fix this for me, but also for them.
Proposals are on the table. The divorce can be final in a month. Dear God, please help me. Either take away my love and need for him, or open his heart to the possibility that our marriage is worth an attempt.
If he agrees to go, he will join me in my long-term therapy session this Saturday. Is there anything that I can say to make him reconsider?
I am hoping to bring prayers and hopes for another chance with me from friends and family for him to see.
