Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[GoingForward]

Continued....

So H said it was going to be too much for him to call everyone he knows to give them his new number, and I agree. H has had the same number for probably 10 years now. Big inconvenience.

Then H said, "And I want you to know that if some girl that I gave my number to a year and a half ago happens to call me one day, I need for you to not trip, alright?" I said, "Umm, I'll try." H said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I mean, if one of the guys you used to date called you, I wouldn't care. So I need the same from you."

Wow...wasn't expecting to hear anything like that. The convo ended shortly after that when his co-worker arrived.

Needless to say, I wasn't very successful at thought-stopping yesterday. I even had to fight back tears while I was at work. There was still one guy in the office, and I was wishing he would get done soon and leave because I really wanted to crawl into a corner and just bawl my eyes out. I had all these thoughts of someone else, and not just the last girl H dated, calling him up, and knowing that it could possibly happen at any time when I least expected it to was hurting like he**.

The threat remains. Will it ever go away?

Why does it have to be like this? How can I feel sooo good about all the progress that's being made, then all of sudden fall like a house of cards? Demolished to nothing once again?

And how can H tell me NOT to 'trip'? It hurts but it angers me even more. He doesn't have any reason at all not to trust me, but I have every reason not to trust him. I do not feel this way on a daily basis because he has been excellent at reassuring me since he's been back, but with his statement and his "this is how it is, so accept it" tone, it nearly erased every positive thing that has happened for us in these past few weeks.

Am I overreacting? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. It just totally kicked the life out of me yesterday, and I wonder if that's because I've let my guard down too much. How do I protect myself without becoming too hardened? I hate this vulnerability!

*Sigh*....Well anyway, that wasn't H pulling up last night. Somebody was using my driveway to make a U-turn, but H did call about 5 minutes after that.

He told me about his night out with the guys from work. They went to a bar out in Walnut Creek for some pizza, beer, and to place their bets together for an NCAA pool.

Anyhow, he was telling me all about it, then told me of a convo he had with the co-worker he rode with. He said he doesn't have too many friends that he truly respects, but this guy, absolutely. Well H said he finally started telling people at work that he's moved back home. He says all of them have been telling him to do this for a long time. H said one guy even told him, "That's your family. You never leave your family."

H never told any one of his friends about his A; he's always just told people that it wasn't working between us, but last night he told me that he did tell DF (the friend he rode with last night) about it. When H wasn't sure what he wanted (to reconcile or not), DF asked him, "Did your W do anything wrong?" H said he told him no. DF asked what happened then, and H told him, "I did it.....I f***ed up." DF told H, "You go make it right with her then, and you better feel damn lucky if she decides to give you another chance."

I'll get to meet these people for the first time at the company dinner next month, and I already love them.

So anyway, H said he was talking with DF last night but didn't go into the details of their convo, and I didn't ask. Then H started telling me about how he never wants me to question where he's at or what he's doing and with whom. H said, "It's my responsibility to make sure you feel safe and secure, and you shouldn't have to ever call me and feel like you have to check up on me. I should be calling you first, every time, and letting you know what I'm doing, where I'm at, and who I'm with. I've got nothing to hide from you, and I want you to know that. ILY, and I want to earn your trust again, and I know it's going to take time. I don't care, and I'll do whatever I have to do to make this right again. I want to know that you're feeling good, too, and if something's bothering you, if I need to do something differently, I want to know about it. I want you to tell me."

That was my open door. I said to H, "Well I have to tell you then that something is bothering me." H said, "Ok. What is it?" I went on to remind him of our earlier convo, and I told him that in the back of my mind, I knew there would always be the possibility of someone calling him - mainly the girl he last dated who still continued to call him even after he told her not to - but now knowing that there might be others was very hard for me to deal with. H said, "I don't want you to think that I'm doing something I'm not supposed to be doing, like now when I'm telling you that I'm here with DF and the guys from work. I want you to believe me and trust me. Anytime you want the number to a place, it's yours." I said, "No, H. I trust you are where you say you are. I don't question that at all. What worries me is someone possibly calling you....then one call turns into another....then another....and another. That is what worries me." H said, "Not gonna happen. I'm not going down that path again. You and the boys mean too much to me to f*** up anymore. I'm not going to lose you, GF. ILY too much. Despite every awful thing I ever said and did to hurt you, and I hate myself for it, I never stopped loving you. Ever."

He arrived just a few minutes later and gave me a huge hug and kiss when he got inside. I thanked him for being open and honest with me, and I appreciated him for not getting upset when I told him of my fears. H said there's no reason for him to want to get upset. He understands and will help me with whatever I need from him.

I do feel better a lot better today. Just have to remember there will be some mighty big bumps in the road ahead. Maneuvering through and around them is the challenge.