Worried I found DB too late #2

[houndfan]

CW - First let me thank you for the opportunity to dialog with you, I see so many similarities in your sitch that we have worked through...

It is not practical to think that you needed to plan better on the cooktop – of course that is not the case. But, the intent of our collective efforts is to save our marriages. So, by communicating your disappointment with the cooktop timing in such a way that is not threatening will really get you some miles, WITHOUT making you look like a sap. Your irritation is just, your concern is just, and it certainly is ok to be pissed. But the reality is you are walking a thin line between marriage and divorce and there will be time to correct those thoughts and feelings in MC if/when you get back together. I promise that you will be able to address them, as we do every other week. MC is a lot of work but we are committed! Keep in mind, in the first 3 MC appointments that we went to she was adamant that she was only going to facilitate a better divorce!!!!

So, what do you do? You can marinate on your irritation and let it build until something else sets it off and cause different damage to the relationship, or you can address it in a way that utilizes safe words and limited pressure. He may be an ass for what he did, but you have admitted that one area of the relationship that needs work is the criticism…. So you are working on yourself by changing how you approach these situations. You are doing constructive 180’s to help save your family.

I can tell you that I am very sensitive to criticism from my wife and there are times even now that I feel she is being too harsh, but that came from 8 years of constant evaluation. She would address anything and everything good, bad, or indifferent. We joke now that I could win the lottery and she would be upset that I had not won more! So she works really hard at doing what I am suggesting that you do, safe words and safe start-ups. At the end of the conversation, we are far more productive and have more genuine concern for one another than when we handle it differently.

How you feel is so important to all of this, because you need to feel something to make progress both personally and in the marriage. So maybe I was a little harsh in that comment, but I still think that we all need to understand intent first before we can decide how to feel about actions. Remember that feelings are choices and like all choices there are good and bad and they all require some evaluation before action. A few weeks ago my W got p’d at me because she was sick for 4 days and she felt like I was not taking care of her in the way that she would me. I in turn got upset, because I felt like I was really doing a lot. End of the day, expectations were not communicated – she wanted home cooked sick food and I cook about as poorly as I spell so I went the other direction and ordered out lots of good food and made sure to attend to her every need. She “felt” like I didn’t care when. I “felt” like she was crazy. So we both got bent up and started to let some bad feelings dictate our actions. We finally talked it out and she realized that my intent was full of love and I realized my effort was not what she expected. I promised to try better next time and she promised to appreciate my intent of her perception of my intent!

I would say that if H is not doing those things you have a lot to worry about, but it seems to me that he is often trying to do something!

Quick thought on roles… I can not offer anything here other than again telling you that we had similar experiences. We moved to a new town and she felt alone, I work and travel a lot so it is ease for me to hide. But, when we would try to go out as a couple she would want to run home to save money or time and it made me feel shorted as I wanted adult time with her and it was worth the expense. She was just trying to protect our finances, but again we never really communicated either to one another and it caused disruption in OUR marriage. Me I would prefer to go do real guy things! I don’t really drink anymore but at one time that is something that I wanted to do every so often, you know a few beers with the guys ooogle the girls come home at 3am. I am as immature as the next guy! LOL!!! But she would have none of that and then the criticism would enter into the equation. So then I would just do things like that to spite her. I would not be interested in her things because she would tell me how my stuff was stupid. Long story short – there is an approach here too for you.

First you need to find some Mine, His, and Our connections. Really list them here for us. Once you have identified them, you need to get a feel for what you would be willing to do with each category. Sounds like one of the OUR connections are your kids. GREAT!!!! But what about the others? Find one or two of your Mine Connections and make them important in your life for your sanity! Then look at His connections: running, bars with his buddies, etc. Find 1 that you would be interested in sharing. You don’t have to do much to connect here, just showing interest may turn the tide for you. If its running – you don’t need him to run with you. Start on your own and work to the point you can do a 5K. Then tell him what you have been doing. He will ask why and you can tell him that you wanted something to share. Exepectations are key here because at this point in your marriage you can not expect him to return the favor but I think that you can at some point!

Lastly, I think the fact that he is thinking about you with the bike is AWESOME! It tells me that he has levels of concern for you. His immediate concern is your safety, but his long term concern is some activity that you can do together! SUPER!

If the marriage has been painful to him and he is scared of you, then you need to create some safe space for the marriage to thrive. You don’t have to advertise this at all, but he will notice if there is a situation where you normally get bowed up and lash out at him the next time you do something different (180). I don’t know how or where, but you can do it. Create an environment that he will want to come back to and I think that he will and then you two can work together! But do not advertise that is what you are doing.

My final comment is about this apartment… that seems a little childish to me the arrangement that you two have. Can you tell me why you guys split time and money on this apartment? Whose idea was the separation? Not that it matters but me thinks that such an arrangement is crazy for each of you. This is where I really agree with some of the DB techniques. He is not going to make a decision one way or the other about your marriage with this arrangement because he has his cake and can eat it too! He can still play family man from time to time as well as super single man. You have to throw these curves to your kids which I think is worse than what you are doing. I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT YOU GO RIGHT OUT AND CHANGE THE ARRANGEMENT, I am suggesting that some thought should be put into this. One thing that I was told over and over was to get back in the house if I wanted to save my M. When I announced to W that I was moving back home it was ugly (this is when she hit me with the vacuum). But it was a great decision because she could see my changes and I could see that she was willing to change too!


Sorry for the long post, but I will be away from the board until Monday and wanted to get all my thoughts to you….