hey alison, im sorry you are in the place you are. i do know that C just wont work when they are not ready. H actually went early on in the MLC....just like throwing your money away. But now it will work.
though he is starting to answer some stuff. I just have to wait for him to really settle in.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
i gave h a sexy st pats day card...."its cute " he said....jeesh
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Sorry to read you are having so much trouble in peicing right now.
Can I make a suggestion??
Do something different. Now what that is, I don't know. That would be up to you, but take a look at what you have been doing so far and the reactions that you have been getting and get creative.
Think of something totally different. Think of something that would make YOU feel better about things and if you get a positive reaction from him too, well then all that much better.
Also, look at the positives, even if they are little things.
Cow is out of the big apartment - no more throwing money away every month! YEAH!
Your H is starting to answer some questions - GOOD!
He's home - EVEN better.
He's telling you he loves you - WOW! what so many on here would give to hear those words.
I know it gets hard and you seem to be having a rougher time than a lot with the peicing, but look at where you were this time last year with your H and how far you've come in that time and focus on the positives.
Sending hugs!
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
Just wanted to come by and say hi, am not on the boards much these days... All was going well, but kids are now full of ow stories and it's hard. I have finally decided to just do what I want, I don't want any contact with my H except for kids stuff and finance. I am tired of it all, and NO, mine is not planning to come back, and to be honest, I'm not sure I would still want him back at this point.
Anyway, I like what BFM said,...try something different, new, I am happy that your H is home, I very much hope that your marriage will one day be, what you want it to be ! Love xxxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
hey BFM, i think part of my frustration is i dont know what to do! the first months i was patient, kind, gave him space, no pressure about ow...everything i thought would be right. i put him first in my life. I got a full time job to be a working partner in the marriage. he ended up sleeping with her! he said he felt unwelcome, not sure i loved him....that i was stand offish. he also felt my friends didnt like him....projecting guilt?
so what to try? he doesnt respond to flirting, he has no desire to be intimate with me. you can feel it in his body language and his kisses. Ive tried to get him to take a weekend away...he wont, there is always an excuse.
so i guess i am at a loss as to what to try. i just feel i dont have the whole man back yet. i dont know what to do to help that whole man back.
Last edited by a new 2moro; 03/19/0811:36 AM.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
hey BFM, i think part of my frustration is i dont know what to do! the first months i was patient, kind, gave him space, no pressure about ow...everything i thought would be right. i put him first in my life. I got a full time job to be a working partner in the marriage. he ended up sleeping with her! he said he felt unwelcome, not sure i loved him....that i was stand offish. he also felt my friends didnt like him....projecting guilt?
In my opinion this was him trying to get rid of some guilt. Trying to put some of the "blame" on you or on your friends for his mistake. Didn't feel loved?? Give me a break. If he didn't feel loved then he should have said so instead of running off and sleeping with her again. THAT'S really going to make you go running to him!
Originally Posted By: a new 2moro
so what to try? he doesnt respond to flirting, he has no desire to be intimate with me. you can feel it in his body language and his kisses. Ive tried to get him to take a weekend away...he wont, there is always an excuse.
I think it's time for him to "miss" you a bit. Stop catering to his every whim and walking on eggshells around him. Take the attitude that everything is fine and go about your life. I know this is hard to do with him in the house. Been there, done that. Dang near impossible, but sometimes necessary.
Are you still trying to be intimate with him??? If so, then stop for now. "Act as if" it doesn't bother you that he doesn't want to. Drop the subject with him (not sure if you have or not). Meanwhile, look HOT. Buy some new nighties, but don't make any moves on him while you're wearing them. Just act like nothing is different. Get a new hairstyle, paint your fingernails and toenails fire engine red, try something different with your make up, get some white strips and whiten your teeth, buy sexy underwear, get a new sexy top. You get the idea. But, don't say anything to him about all this (do this a little at a time, something this week, something next week, etc) and don't say anything if he doesn't say anything about it. Just act like nothing is different. Believe me, he WILL notice, even if he doesn't act like it.
Make plans with your friends without him. Gonna be hard to do because you're going to be afraid that he will run to her. I know. Do it anyway. Go out and have fun. Go trail riding with a group of girls, or go out for a drink or shopping or whatever. Just plan things without him and without asking him. Let him know of your plans as a courtesy since you are in the same house, but you don't need to ask his approval.
Originally Posted By: a new 2moro
so i guess i am at a loss as to what to try. i just feel i dont have the whole man back yet. i dont know what to do to help that whole man back.
Now, I've given you some suggestions. Will this help get the "whole man" back?? No, probably not. Will it make you feel a little better about yourself, a little more sexy? Perhaps. It's worth a shot anyway.
As for getting the whole man back, unfortunately there is NOTHING you can do by yourself except pray about it. Your H and God have to do all the work in that area. Mostly God. That can be a pretty helpless feeling sometimes, but it can also be very empowering if you let it. I mean, think about it, How comforting is it to know that He can do anything. Obviously you guys are supposed to be together. Obviously, God wants your marriage to work. Now, stop trying to do it all yourself and just give it over. I'll be praying for you guys and I'm sending hugs your way.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
a funny thing...well maybe a lite bulb moment thing for h. that larry king show..now when he was surfing the tv that mite he zoooomed right by that on purpose....yesterday he tells me he was listening to the today show on the way to work...he gets it his radio. it was on infidelity ....actually listened he said two things caught his attention. the first is 1 in 5 men will have an affair....he says it was good in a way to know it wasnt just him ,ok so thats admission..he said the thing that scared him wasnt that only 20% 0f the marriages make it (his reason being we ARE going to make it) but it may take 2-4 years before i trust him again. he said twice last nite how that really bothered him.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
but it may take 2-4 years before i trust him again. he said twice last nite how that really bothered him.
How did you respond to his statements? He opened the door for a discussion. This was the perfect time to tell him how you are really feeling and what you need from him in order to even begin working on rebuilding trust.
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
SWL is right. The door was opened for some discussion about trust and rebuilding and how you feel about him right now.
I think he also wanted a little reassurance that he's not all bad (good to know that it wasn't just him. . . )
He also wanted to know where you stand and was putting out some little feelers (only 20% of marriages make it, he's commited to making it work implie - are you??? Am I wasting my time??)
These guys are scared that they are going to lose it ALL if they come back to us. It helps them to let go of the OW if they feel safe with you and feel like you are going to be there for them no matter what. Until then they want to try to hold onto both to see which one is going to be the better more sure option. You can bet that she's reassuring him that she wants to be with him forever.
FW still needs constant reassurance of this and he's been NC with OW for almost 4 months now. He's still so afraid that I'm just up and going to say one say that I'm done. I'm outta here. I can't do this anymore. It's hard for them to make that step to come home and as hard as it is we have to keep reassuring them that we are commited to the marriage and we want it to work too.
Not sure if you are doing this or not since your responses are usually very short and to the point so if you already are then good, I'm just trying to give some suggestions.
BFM
Last edited by butterflymom; 03/20/0803:56 PM.
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
I TOLD HIM HE COULD TELL ME ANYTHING AND I WOULD HELP LISTEN TO IT. I WAS NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I SAID I WANT TO HELP HIM, HE SAYS HE IS WORKING THRU STUFF THAT ONLY HE CAN WORK THRU....I STILL TELL HIM I WANT TO HELP HIM. HE DOES PERIODICALLY THROWS STUFF OUT LIKE THIS LIKE HE WAS HE WAS UPSET WORRIED ABOUT OW'S FUTURE, AND HE NOW IS ASKING IM HIS "WIFEY" WILL I BE HIS WIFEY FOR A LONG TIME.....I THOUGHT THIS WAS IN JEST...BUT I GUESS HE IS LOOKING FOR AFIRMATION HUH?
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
