((((SUE)))) Keep coming here to vent GF. You're seeing things as they truly are and it sounds like you're dealing with your thoughts and feelings along the way. That's a GOOD and healthy thing. It also sounds like you are looking at the positives as much as you can. They might not feel positive at the moment, but acknowledging them is going to help you. As time goes on and the pain subsides, you'll no doubt (because you're awesome!) start to focus on the positives more and realize how free you're becoming from your H's problems. That feeling of freedom and relief will be bittersweet, but it's what's going to drive you forward into a better life for you and D3. You're on the right track!

I'm sorry your H is being selfish and neglecting D3 \:\( You're doing the right thing by dealing with this yourself. It keeps your D3 from being part of a struggle between you and your H. If he "has" to take off to stay with her and doesn't truly want and enjoy spending time with her right now, she's going to pick up on this when she's with him. I've seen this with my son and it's confusing for kids.. it can make them feel insecure. Did you ever stay with a relative that couldn't tell your Mom no, but really didn't want to be bothered watching a kid? Things were fine, but you could just sense the inconveniene.

Is your H's neglect of D3 is hurting you the most right now? You love her so much and it's hard to understand him not being blown away with love for her too? I went through this with our oldest son. I wasn't married to his father and although he was present the first couple of years he wasn't consistent and reliable. It hurt so much when he was waiting on his Daddy to show up and I'd get a call that he couldn't make it.. especially knowing that the something that came up was probably a party. I wanted my son to have a father that loved him and nurtured him as much as I did, but his father was incapable of that. He was fine when it was convenient, but he couldn't grasp the resonsibility of being there unconditionally for his child. He also didn't get the payoffs from that either. When it became clear to his father that I wasn't going to marry him (because of his drinking and lifestyle) he said he didn't want to be a part of our son's life either. He was bluffing, but I cut off contact with him after that (he didn't put up a fight to see his son either). I wrestled with that decision for a long time and felt like I was denying my son a father. My brother had been through the same when his wife left him and their D when she was one. He told me the best thing I could do for Matt was to let it go and save him the pain of having a bad parent in his life. He was right. Matt is going to be 22 next month and I now know it was the best thing for him. I married my H and he's had a great Dad in his life. He grew up unaware that there's a man that rejected him and didn't have time for him. He didn't have to deal with the drinking, drugs, fights, etc. I've thanked God many times that his father didn't want to be a part of his life and that I didn't push it. It allowed us to give him a family that loves him. He's been so secure in that that he never asks about his natural father and has no desire to know him.

I'm not suggesting that you push your H out of your D3's life.. at all. Our sitchs are totally different. I'm just saying that the less she's aware of his neglect, the better off she'll be. Please let her rest in the assurance and security of her Mom and don't push him. If he becomes undependable and starts breaking promises to her though, put your foot down HARD on that. Just my opininion but setting up expectations in a child and letting them down is abuse. My H's parents have always been bad about saying that they'll attend special occasions for the kids and then don't show up. I finally had to stop inviting them because the kids would be so hurt. Now they don't expect them to be there.. they notice, but it doesn't have quite the same sting of rejection. Sometimes they talk about how they feel about having grandparents that are selfish. D13 even wrote a letter saying she was hurt and doesn't want to ever see them again. We allowed her those feelings.. didn't send the letter, but took the time to help her see how precious she is and that they are missing out on something special. Now she's the one that doesn't care to spend time with them much.. and she understands that it's not her fault - they are just selfish people who don't have room in their life for kids.

Long story short.. your D3 is going to be OK. She has a wonderful Mom that loves her and will help her through this. Someone wise said to let your H be responsible for his relationship with D3. Hopefully he'll see the light, but if he doesn't she's going to be all right as long as she's surrounded by people who love her and don't let her down.

Hugggggs,

Sheila