Since mid February, a LOT has happened. Going to ramble from topic to topic since there is so much
The major thing that has happened over the past 2-4 weeks honestly doesn't involve my wife, marriage or this whole crazy A. It has involved me.
I am getting back to being who I was 'supposed' to be. There are a couple of dreams in my life I didn't follow b/c I was too in love. I have gotten back to those with fervor. I am doing pretty well in my career, but it is not my passion. Last week I decided to take steps to get into the field I have always wanted to be in.
I have completed several of GAL projects, and am working on more. I let my "life to-do list" grow and grow over the years without knocking stuff off of it. I have been tackling that list full speed ahead. Feels great!
Been taking care of me, big time. Lost 25+ pounds, and started working out again. Smelling good, looking good. People are REALLY noticing! We all hate to be on the affair-diet (aka Divorce diet), but doesn't it feel good to lose those pounds you have been meaning to lose for years?
Been seeing a counselor. It has been great. No marriage counseling. Just individual.
Got on some Anti-depressants. Again, a great thing. I was reluctant at first, but SO GLAD I did. The roller coaster isn't so wild anymore.
Been going to church and finding my spirituality again.
Been doing a lot more with my friends.
Generally, my outlook on life now is rosy. Every day I feel so much better. Even when little things about the marriage or A pop up, it really doesn't impact me for long. 2 months ago if my W had looked at me funny, I would have been in the dumps for hours or more. Now something might sting me for a few seconds, then I move on with my life. Don't know how to describe it exactly. I guess I am just trying to say that every day seems to be a great day, better that the previous day.
When I look back in my life, I see that the times I was most attractive was when I was CONFIDENT in who I was, and what I was doing. It is amazing. Now that I have my confidence back, clear goals, and the drive to follow my passions, not only do I feel better, but I am a much more attractive mate. I am doing all of this stuff for ME, but it has the side benefit of making my WW realize how great I am, and reminding her who she fell in love with.
As far as my marital sitch is concerned, there has been some contact between W and OM. He had/has been calling my W to 'have a shoulder to cry on' since his mean unfair wife is divorcing him. lol. My wife has admitted he has been calling, and frankly she has answered. She knows how I feel about this. She tells me "it is over." She is not going to be with him. I told her about 2 weeks ago as long as you are in contact with him, there is no "us." I will not have any R talks with you while there is a 3rd person in our marriage. I have stuck to that. I am laying clear boundaries and sticking to them.
I am not being needy toward her in any way at all. As every day goes by I get stronger, and I just look at the mess she is in, the fog she is in and I think it is sad and pathetic. My confidence is being noticed by her, I am sure. But again, I am doing all of this for me and my self worth, not to try to win her back. For a while there, I thought I needed to change for her. WRONG! I need to change for ME!
I do I think I am going to get what I want in the end (loving marriage with my W, good life, etc.). BUT there is nothing that is going to make it happen over night. There is still fog there for my W, and I imagine there will be for a while. The biggest thing is that I see now is that I CANNOT control her or her feelings at all. I can't make her fall in love with me again. The only person I can control and 'fix' is me. That is exactly what I am doing.
So I was working out the other day and I ask my buddy, "So what is the secret to getting that flat stomach?" (Hey, What guy doesn't want those good abs?) I said "you must have to really focus on working out, crunches, eating right, etc." He said, if you get your stomach fit, everything else on you will be fit. So true. So how does that apply here? I think I have learned that if you get your mind fit when dealing with this A stuff, everything else becomes much easier and falls right into place. You need to only worry about you (and your kids), and you will be who you are destined to be. I don't think we are at our best when we depend on someone else for our happiness. I know I made that mistake for years. That is not fair to them, and it is not being the strong person you know you are. So get yourself right, and the rest will fall into place. That is my message
Since we are talking about exposure on the board a lot the past few days, I just want to say again that IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST things I have ever done. Not only did it end the romantic fantasy for them, but it was one of the strongest things I have done in my life. I will always be pro exposure. Even my W has said if I had not done that, she would still be completely in the A. Now the A is crumbling, due in large part to the exposure. Their affair went on for over 2 years, so it is taking some time to fully crumble.
A couple of other nuggets of info:
OMW has filed for divorce and trying to clean him out (kids, money, etc.). Remember this guy is a repeat cheater, alcoholic, and physical abuser (according to his W.). Gotta love Affairing-Down. LOL
OM is following OMW to another state to try to be around his kids. They haven't moved yet. This could take a couple of months. The sooner the better!
OM has moved out (been kicked out) of his house and is living in an apartment.
That is the update. Will post more as things happen!
