Thanks for sharing your stories of MC. I'm not in MC, but your W sounds very similar to mine, and I have felt similar frustration as you feel about her not willing to engage me, work together on the relationship, being a "hag", etc. I've come to believe that complaining, criticism, which my W was good at (and your W sounds good at) really destroys or inhibits a sense of connection with another. I don't know about you, but I let those things from my wife slide. What a mistake. I grew up avoiding conflict, but now I see that I should have drawn a line with her and said I would not tolerate her criticisms. It's not that I was perfect, but rather the way and frequency with which she delivered the criticisms. Frankly, I doubt she has analyzed this and what it may have done to our relationship.
I think the key here is to keep telling ourselves we can't control them. What looks like "reality" to us is not what they see, for whatever reason. They have constructed their own worlds, and whether they ever come to see part of how we see things, we cannot know or control. That is so hard. But, there is no objective reality in relationships. Men tend to believe there is, but there is only my reality and her reality. If those two don't match up well enough, there can be no relationship.
You are so right about guilt not being enough to hold a relationship together. You don't want her back if it's only because she feels guilty about ending it. That's a false relationship, and you and she each deserve better.
Hang in there and continue to work on the deep stuff while you take good care day to day. I've come to feel it's about balance--deep introspection and change comes slowly and often painfully, but at the same time we must make time for fun and laughter.
