H is having affair after all

[25yearsmlc]

Eva,'

Definitely get tested asap. But as others said, what's the point in asking him to do so? Business wise, He DOES seem fearful about business matters and what decisions YOU will be making, as if you'd make them unilaterally, and in 3 days, etc.

What's HIS rush about that? He may want out and just wants you to pull the plug so he can blame you, or not. You may never know the answer to that. HE may not. Hmmm, so how much time should we all spend wondering.....???? How about, NONE?!? Let go of that which we cannot control, and that's letting go of a lot. Turn it over to God, or your Higher Power or whatever your name is, for the Source of real love in this world.

Frankly, the pain and angst so infected my life, and then the anger came and so consumed ME and MY life, I had to let go of it. Otherwise, There'd be no room left inside for love and laughter and growth and my children, etc. while I was so consumed by my pain. And H was focussed on his fellowship for at least most of it, partly b/c the hours he worked sucked. So he was way behind me in the whole process. When he BEGAN to "wake up" and notice he was 3000 miles away from his family and was financially strapped, he began calling A LOT. He confessed he was "depressed" and repeatedly asked me when I would visit him. Long story.

Point is who knows what HE was feeling? I had no control over it, but I knew I felt like crap. And THAT is all I could do anything about. How I felt/feel.

I won't bash your c. Yes, get a new one. But she didn't meet your h so it is hard for her to know MLC/ etc. since she only hears info through your perspective and it's biased and filled with pain. What else can she say? She only knows he left a while ago, has lied, is having an A and says there's no hope....

She thinks she's doing the right thing by preparing you for life on your own without h.

But when I went to file for a D, my Lawyer said "why not file just for a sep, since I think you still love the guy and there's chance for you?" THAT'S A GOOD LAWYER.
Something inside me wanted to "cover my bases" and know that I'd done all I could to save the M, without losing myself.

When I met the pro-M male c he said, "You ARE being badly treated by your h, no mistaking that. But you're here b/c you want to see if your M can survive. So, ask if you want to be "right", or you want to be happy."

It's not about being a doormat. Just ask yourself when you want to say or do something, whether it's coming from the desire to "teach him a lesson", which we sometimes do b/c we FEAR that if we don't punish, they'll repeat the "bad" behavior. Thing is, when did "punishing" or lashing out ever bring you closer?

Or is it the desire to hurt him? To scare him? To guilt him? OR is whatever you're about to do/say, coming from a good place within, AND WILL IT BRING YOU CLOSER TO YOUR GOAL.... You can have two compatible goals: One is, saving the M. The other is, how can you best behave with dignity and grace so that down the road, your children will know what it looks like, and your h will never be able to "prove" that he was "right".

And, as with my cousin, as a few years passed, he stayed in touch with his ex b/c of the child they had. They sort of became friends, and then got in touch more often at family events, and b/c neither of them had gone too far in their D process in terms of being really dirty and horrible to each other, it was much easier to reconcile later. Dignity and grace are not easy, and that's why we notice and admire those traits so much. They had fewer scars perhaps. They've been re-united now for 12 years and the 2nd time around IS better.

ALWAYS ask whether your words/actions are going to help you reach the goals.
Forgive yourself when you slip, and pick yourself up and start over. No apologies needed at this point. Don't sweat the small stuff and that includes him being late wihtout calling, or forgetting something mildly inconvenient. Don't read selfishness into everything even though he IS being self absorbed. You telling him that will NOT convince him of anything being wrong with him. On the contrary.

Ask the others this: Why does Ev's DB behavior have to change, based on the A? Does it? I KNOW it sucks and is unfair and we're all here supporting you and sending hugs, etc. But aside from YOU healing, IF you still want the M or the chance to at least give it some more time, why not keep DBing, with some adjustments to accomodate not having to see OW, or them together, etc.

Let HER inlaws and ex do the dirty stuff. You can empathize, but you have children who'll recall your behavior or will be told by your h. Rise above it.

I don't know the D laws in England, so perhaps you could check with a Solicitor or lawyer there to protect yourself. In my state, filing the sep prevented my h from mortgaging property we both owned, thank God. He was just wacky about wanting to "invest" in Alaska, and would have done so if I hadn't filed that. I've Unfiled now, but I'm still glad I stepped in and said, "Wait a bit, now that's not just your money and it affects OUR children, etc."

In sum, and this is just my humble opinion, all you HAVE to do right now, is see a doctor for tests. And I THINK you ought to see a lawyer there, to make sure you're protected by acting/inaction or what your options are, make sure bills are being paid, etc. Your h does NOT have to know this and why should he? Don't throw it out as a weapon b/c it won't help you at all. If he has seen one, and he probably has since he is acting paranoid/guilty, etc. he may well know how few rights he has, IF that's the case. Seeing a doctor and a lawyer/solicitor is just You being a good mom to check out your legal & financial "health" as well as your physical health. Seeing the pro-M c will help you down the road to wherever this leads, as will we.
Good luck,

((( j )))