Well, I'll summarize the rest of the counselor meeting.
C thinks I am fine. She believes I was pretty close to the edge in December and W let me stay in that state which could have ended badly for me. Even in January I was pretty close to a breakdown and it's only because of the support of the friends I made here, whom I called almost hourly for a few weeks, that I'm still here talking.
She really, truly believes I am better off without W in her present level of confusion in her life. C doesn't think she will change for years, or maybe never. And by change she means realize that you do have to actually put work into a relationship when one of you is not healthy or able.
Or, putting your kids or your husbands needs BEFORE your own.
Regardless, C will not say 'end your marriage' because that is against her beliefs. She'll just say 'LET it end if W is going to do it.'
And when we 'reconciled' 2 years ago she didn't come back to the marriage to be a 'partner' finally. She came back to the SAFETY that I had created for her, the comfort zone. She went back to living the same life because I had 'helped' her feel comfortable in the marriage again. I worked hard to make her feel safe again.
I fixed it.
So, she didn't HAVE to change.
And of course, I lost myself again.
Well, now I'm not fixing it. It hurts, and it probably means the end of my marriage. But it really isn't much of a marriage if it's based on a 'fixer' keeping the status quo with no help.
But I tried. I did the best I could given the circumstances.
C also thought it was funny when I told her W said that she has always been 'a happy person' and that she wants to be around happy people. She laughed because W is saying she is this happy person, but she can't seem to manifest that happiness IN her family. So what is it? Is SHE a happy person, or does she get her happiness FROM OTHERS?
So she's showing the girls that if you're Husband is having problems, well, you dump him. The message to them is that if THEY have problems then mom might dump THEM.
C feels that her handling of the whole situation is reckless, and damaging to the kids. For someone who needs to 'grow spiritually' she has a long way to go. And her friends are just as immature.
I'm not in love with her any more. I still love her, I always will. But counselor said that maybe it's going to be better for me to love her 'from a distance'.
I really wish she could move out. What a crazy goal - to make enough money so my W can move out. Who would have thought my life would end up like this?
