actually, without trying it, you can't say that it wouldnt have worked in your sitch or not. in this fella's sitch, it shocked his wife out of her fantasy world and now seem to be moving forward.
it worked for me, it's worked for plenty of others, we just get hushed up.
you're right that every sitch is different, exposing will not work for everyone, but all the blanket staments that it NEVER works is total horsepucky.
Question? Has this technique seemed to work mostly for the men on the boards while DBing seems to work for the women? Or are the men just the most vocal about it? In my sitch my H's main complaint in the one productive counselling session we had was I am too controlling(which exposing the affair may be seen as by him), maybe a lot of the men's wives found them too complacent and exposing was the opposite of that.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Again, I am not saying, nor did I say, it can't work.
Seriously, Ford, it would not have worked in my sitch. I think perhaps it also depends on the sitch of the OW/OM. It would not have worked for me. It would have caused more harm than good.
Since mid February, a LOT has happened. Going to ramble from topic to topic since there is so much
The major thing that has happened over the past 2-4 weeks honestly doesn't involve my wife, marriage or this whole crazy A. It has involved me.
I am getting back to being who I was 'supposed' to be. There are a couple of dreams in my life I didn't follow b/c I was too in love. I have gotten back to those with fervor. I am doing pretty well in my career, but it is not my passion. Last week I decided to take steps to get into the field I have always wanted to be in.
I have completed several of GAL projects, and am working on more. I let my "life to-do list" grow and grow over the years without knocking stuff off of it. I have been tackling that list full speed ahead. Feels great!
Been taking care of me, big time. Lost 25+ pounds, and started working out again. Smelling good, looking good. People are REALLY noticing! We all hate to be on the affair-diet (aka Divorce diet), but doesn't it feel good to lose those pounds you have been meaning to lose for years?
Been seeing a counselor. It has been great. No marriage counseling. Just individual.
Got on some Anti-depressants. Again, a great thing. I was reluctant at first, but SO GLAD I did. The roller coaster isn't so wild anymore.
Been going to church and finding my spirituality again.
Been doing a lot more with my friends.
Generally, my outlook on life now is rosy. Every day I feel so much better. Even when little things about the marriage or A pop up, it really doesn't impact me for long. 2 months ago if my W had looked at me funny, I would have been in the dumps for hours or more. Now something might sting me for a few seconds, then I move on with my life. Don't know how to describe it exactly. I guess I am just trying to say that every day seems to be a great day, better that the previous day.
When I look back in my life, I see that the times I was most attractive was when I was CONFIDENT in who I was, and what I was doing. It is amazing. Now that I have my confidence back, clear goals, and the drive to follow my passions, not only do I feel better, but I am a much more attractive mate. I am doing all of this stuff for ME, but it has the side benefit of making my WW realize how great I am, and reminding her who she fell in love with.
As far as my marital sitch is concerned, there has been some contact between W and OM. He had/has been calling my W to 'have a shoulder to cry on' since his mean unfair wife is divorcing him. lol. My wife has admitted he has been calling, and frankly she has answered. She knows how I feel about this. She tells me "it is over." She is not going to be with him. I told her about 2 weeks ago as long as you are in contact with him, there is no "us." I will not have any R talks with you while there is a 3rd person in our marriage. I have stuck to that. I am laying clear boundaries and sticking to them.
I am not being needy toward her in any way at all. As every day goes by I get stronger, and I just look at the mess she is in, the fog she is in and I think it is sad and pathetic. My confidence is being noticed by her, I am sure. But again, I am doing all of this for me and my self worth, not to try to win her back. For a while there, I thought I needed to change for her. WRONG! I need to change for ME!
I do I think I am going to get what I want in the end (loving marriage with my W, good life, etc.). BUT there is nothing that is going to make it happen over night. There is still fog there for my W, and I imagine there will be for a while. The biggest thing is that I see now is that I CANNOT control her or her feelings at all. I can't make her fall in love with me again. The only person I can control and 'fix' is me. That is exactly what I am doing.
So I was working out the other day and I ask my buddy, "So what is the secret to getting that flat stomach?" (Hey, What guy doesn't want those good abs?) I said "you must have to really focus on working out, crunches, eating right, etc." He said, if you get your stomach fit, everything else on you will be fit. So true. So how does that apply here? I think I have learned that if you get your mind fit when dealing with this A stuff, everything else becomes much easier and falls right into place. You need to only worry about you (and your kids), and you will be who you are destined to be. I don't think we are at our best when we depend on someone else for our happiness. I know I made that mistake for years. That is not fair to them, and it is not being the strong person you know you are. So get yourself right, and the rest will fall into place. That is my message
Since we are talking about exposure on the board a lot the past few days, I just want to say again that IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST things I have ever done. Not only did it end the romantic fantasy for them, but it was one of the strongest things I have done in my life. I will always be pro exposure. Even my W has said if I had not done that, she would still be completely in the A. Now the A is crumbling, due in large part to the exposure. Their affair went on for over 2 years, so it is taking some time to fully crumble.
A couple of other nuggets of info:
OMW has filed for divorce and trying to clean him out (kids, money, etc.). Remember this guy is a repeat cheater, alcoholic, and physical abuser (according to his W.). Gotta love Affairing-Down. LOL
OM is following OMW to another state to try to be around his kids. They haven't moved yet. This could take a couple of months. The sooner the better!
OM has moved out (been kicked out) of his house and is living in an apartment.
That is the update. Will post more as things happen!
You are living proof that "God makes all things work together for the good, for those that love Him, and are the called according to His purpose." I don't believe He CAUSES bad things to happpen to good people, but of course we all have "free will" and He CAN, and does, USE these things to make us stronger, IF WE ALLOW HIM TO.
End of sermon.
I commend your courage. I commend your faith. I commend your heading straight into the storm.
You will be better for all of this, regardless of what your confused wife decides to do.
I feel like I'm behind you a few weeks in our timelines and I'm still working on the "with or without her" attitude that I think has had so much affect on my WW the last 3 weeks. Sometimes there's a trigger (had one last night) that can affect that attitude so I have to keep reminding myself that it's her loss if she can't see who truly loves her even after all she's done.
I know what you are saying about the limited contact. In my sitch I'm pretty sure there was email/IM/phone contact for a while even after OM broke it off. I couldn't take it anymore and pulled my ace in the hole to end all contact for good (you can read about it in my thread) and since that time WW has been coming around slowly but surely. While that contact is going on the WW will never de-fog.
Keep up the good work. Your W would be a fool to not want to be with you!
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I hear what you are saying. I struggled quite a while on whether to expose or not, thinking it was controlling, and that is one of my WW's big complaints about me, but I came to realize it wasn't me that was controlling by exposing, it was her that was controlling by having an affair.
IMHO, having an affair is the ultimate in control, the affairee is making decisions that affect not just their family, but the OP's as well, and as long as the affair is kept secret from the people that it affects most, it is Controlling with a capital C by not allowing those people to make decisions about their lives i.e. either to try to reconcile their marriage or file for divorce. And my exposing the affair took the control out of her hands and that's what she was/is mad about.
But I'll say again, it's a personal choice whether to expose or not. In some cases it may end the marriage where if there was no exposure the marriage may have had a chance, but for me, I got to a point where if exposure ended the marriage, it probably wasn't worth saving anyway.
Just my .02
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Just wanted to post an update. At some point, we have to decide what our personal boundaries are. How much personal integrity are we willing to give up in order to save our M? Everyone is different, but I found my answer today.
For almost 3 months I have listened to lies from my WW. I have been waiting for any sign of progress back to the marriage and away from OM. Unfortunately, my wife is completely addicted to this man and despite her claims that the A is "over," she continues to have contact with him. I have asked her about the contact and she admits is.
I just discovered she got herself a secret "affair cell phone." This after I told her I would no longer pay for her cell phone she was using to continue the relationship.
So, folks, that is my limit. I have done nothing but fight for my kids, me, and my W and marriage for the past 3 months. But sadly this is a fight I cannot fight alone. My W's actions make it very clear she is incapable of being married to me, a good person. All indications now are that her inability to make a decision to end the A will indeed end our M.
I have a few days before I see my atty to file the papers. Maybe she will wake up from the fog, but I doubt it.
All of this time, I have been trying to protect her from herself. How crazy is that? I didn't want her to throw away almost 10 years of marriage, 3 beautiful kids, and honestly, the 'perfect' life. But I can't do it anymore. I can't protect her from the consequences of her actions. Time for her to sleep in the bed she made. That is not anger or hurt talking, it is just the truth. I am done trying to clean up this mess alone.
In a weird twist, the entire hellish journey has been a VERY good one for me in a way. I truly have rediscovered who I am, what I want to be, and now know where I am going. The exposure, the taking charge, etc... it has all been empowering and shown me I have an inner strength I thought was lost years ago. I will be better off somehow, and I know I will continue to grow as a person.
I have always been a GREAT dad, and that will continue to be my number 1 priority in life. Protecting and raising those precious kiddies. They deserve the best I can give them.
I will update you on the stich as it develops. Please say a prayer for my kids, me and even my WW.
Just a quick update. My WW is freaking out now. Last night when I came home, she said she couldn't pay for the cellphone bill (that she ran up talking to OM, and her enabler friend.) I just said I am not going to pay it. I have nothing left to talk to you about.
She was very angry, but I have my limits. Like I typed yesterday, I reached my limit of what I would tolerate.
When she said she wouldn't pay for her phone, I told her she is going to have to. After all, she can afford a second secret affair cell phone, why not this one? She denied it (of course.) So I got our my cell phone in front of her and called her secret affair phone, and left her a message on it. Busted!
Anyway, I won't get long winded here, but we talked for an hour or so. She asked me to go to counseling (first time ever) and I said no way. Not while you are still in a relationship with OM. She said AGAIN (broken record) that it is over with him, she isn't going to be with him, that they are only supporting each other during this tough time.
Obviously, that is not ok with me. Told her him or me. She has to decide by Sunday. I still have my atty appointment next and am prepared to file if she doesn't get her act together. I will accept nothing less than the half dozen things I have laid out fo her. I have been way too patient for way too long. She hasn't made a single step back toward the marriage since she is still in contact with OM. So, I am using this ultimatum as my last resort. Maybe this isn't the way to go, but I have no other choice on how to deal with my foggy WW.
Anyway, feeling good today. Making one last stand for our marriage and family. I will have a decision by Sunday. I hope I get to cancel my atty appointment, but honestly my expecations are low. If she can't commit, I will truly know I did everything in my power to make it work.
We use the word "detachment" around here a lot. I understand the concept, but now I KNOW what it FEELS like.
