Saw my counselor yesterday. I'll just summarize what she and I came to understand in another post later.
One thing that sticks in my mind that I want to put out there to others. We talked about her (and my) ability to be in a supportive, nurturing, loving relationship. I was saying that W's statement that "I wouldn't let her love me" has bothered me because I love HER, even NOW and I can't see how someone can STOP you from loving them. How could I stop her?
Counselor said to take a moment and look at her relationship with our D12 and D17. They have grown and become more independent and as a result she gets more rejection from them and complains to me that "D17 doesn't like me right now". This is not true at all. D17 loves her mom and wants her to spend time with her when she SAYS she will. I mean, we all know that a teenager will reject your authority, but inside, they want you to love them and spend time with them. They just make it harder to do.
It was easy when D17 was 10 years old, but now it's more like dealing with a picky 'adult'.
Which, for whatever reason, W cannot deal with.
Counselor pointed out that the kids KNOW dad has had problems, stress, anxiety, alcohol. Yet even they know to come to me for real adult advice about life.
One other thing, W is telling them she loves them, but the message they are getting is that she'll 'love them' until they become too difficult to love, then she'll abandon them.
I'll write more later.
By the way, the Lexapro REALLY works. Kinda kills your sex drive but right now that's not a bad thing.
Hope you dont mind me chiming in with 2c worth of possible rubbish advice
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"I wouldn't let her love me" has bothered me because I love HER, even NOW and I can't see how someone can STOP you from loving them. How could I stop her?
Remember she will be talking in terms of feelings and how she feels , logic is not part of this equation.
Remember to Validate , no matter how off course she is , it is how she feels and trying to battle that will only drive her further from you. Trying to make sense of it will drive you crazy.
I like to keep things simple.
Right now you are still focussed on your W . Focus on yourself , what you need to do to get yourself to a good place. Its DBing basics, Do you still have DB or DR books , have a good read .
Just remember she will talk about feelings and feelings seldom have much to do with logic.
Frank, our W's like to paint the picture in whatever form or fashion suits their needs at the time. When she says that you never let her love you, she probably means something totally different.
I find that you have to have some form of super filter in order to decifer what you are actually being told. It's like taking spanish class in high school for two years and then vacationing in Mexico and thinking you will be able to to understand everything that is said to you. Not very realistic.
As far as the Lexapro declining your sex drive, that happens at first. Give it a month or so. When I started taking it I had like zero drive, a month later.....Strong like Bull.........
I find that you have to have some form of super filter in order to decifer what you are actually being told. It's like taking spanish class in high school for two years and then vacationing in Mexico and thinking you will be able to to understand everything that is said to you. Not very realistic.
Ian
LMAO!!!! That was too funny!
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Well, I'll summarize the rest of the counselor meeting.
C thinks I am fine. She believes I was pretty close to the edge in December and W let me stay in that state which could have ended badly for me. Even in January I was pretty close to a breakdown and it's only because of the support of the friends I made here, whom I called almost hourly for a few weeks, that I'm still here talking.
She really, truly believes I am better off without W in her present level of confusion in her life. C doesn't think she will change for years, or maybe never. And by change she means realize that you do have to actually put work into a relationship when one of you is not healthy or able.
Or, putting your kids or your husbands needs BEFORE your own.
Regardless, C will not say 'end your marriage' because that is against her beliefs. She'll just say 'LET it end if W is going to do it.'
And when we 'reconciled' 2 years ago she didn't come back to the marriage to be a 'partner' finally. She came back to the SAFETY that I had created for her, the comfort zone. She went back to living the same life because I had 'helped' her feel comfortable in the marriage again. I worked hard to make her feel safe again.
I fixed it.
So, she didn't HAVE to change.
And of course, I lost myself again.
Well, now I'm not fixing it. It hurts, and it probably means the end of my marriage. But it really isn't much of a marriage if it's based on a 'fixer' keeping the status quo with no help.
But I tried. I did the best I could given the circumstances.
C also thought it was funny when I told her W said that she has always been 'a happy person' and that she wants to be around happy people. She laughed because W is saying she is this happy person, but she can't seem to manifest that happiness IN her family. So what is it? Is SHE a happy person, or does she get her happiness FROM OTHERS?
So she's showing the girls that if you're Husband is having problems, well, you dump him. The message to them is that if THEY have problems then mom might dump THEM.
C feels that her handling of the whole situation is reckless, and damaging to the kids. For someone who needs to 'grow spiritually' she has a long way to go. And her friends are just as immature.
I'm not in love with her any more. I still love her, I always will. But counselor said that maybe it's going to be better for me to love her 'from a distance'.
I really wish she could move out. What a crazy goal - to make enough money so my W can move out. Who would have thought my life would end up like this?
Well, the Lexapro isn't doing as well today as I have a lot of anxiety.
And to add to it W came in to tell me that she is house sitting for a friend who lives down the street who is going away for a week and has a neurotic little dog who needs to have someone around at night.
No problem there. Then she says that since Easter is Sunday she would like to have the girls over for breakfast and maybe I would do something with them in the afternoon since this is the first time we'll have Easter in 'separate houses'. I told her I didn't know what she meant and she said she plans on staying at the other house as much as possible this week.
I told her that I'll go get some Easter basket type stuff for the girls to have as morning surprises on Sunday like we always do and they can go over to the other house for breakfast with her.
She was pleasant enough in the discussion. I put on a calm face.
But it was another stab in the heart. I guess I'm just dense and not understanding that she's really gone. She just doesn't care an more. I guess I am still having trouble believing this is true.
Who does she think she's kidding? She is a dog-sitter for a week so she is hosting holiday celebrations at "her" house?! Give me a break. The fantasies never end with her. I guess your children will be really fooled, they'll believe that Mom is on her own at the neighbor's house and couldn't come over and be with them. When you go out for the night do your kids think that they suddenly own the house and can entertain guests? She is SO childish -- even her own children are more mature than she is.
Frank, the lexapro working the first few days is psychosomatic. it generally takes 5-7 days to actually start working as it has to get in your bloodstream and do its job, don't panic.
Again I will say this to you, it is not a stab to your heart, it is her justify her actions and feelings. Stop trying so damn hard to figure this out man. Keep your focus where it needs to be. You are allowing this woman way to much power over your emotional well being. Not for nothing, but being dependant on her for any of your feelings, very risky.
Focus Frank, you and your kids. She wants easter breakfast, fine. It has no affect on you and your kids. Take them to her for an hour and then pick them up and go do something fun with them. Let her wallow without them the rest of the day.
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I guess I am still having trouble believing this is true.
I am empathetic to this, but stop it. It is happening, reality is you have been here before and you know damn well that the longer you fight with reality, the longer you will feel all of this hurt. Do you remember posting to me very early on in my situation about the Alpha Male philosophy? Do you remember sending me and Tyson the article on being the Alpha Male? Maybe you should read it again.......
Stand up dude, you do not look good on your knees.....SHE DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.......
Who does she think she's kidding? She is a dog-sitter for a week so she is hosting holiday celebrations at "her" house?! Give me a break. The fantasies never end with her. I guess your children will be really fooled, they'll believe that Mom is on her own at the neighbor's house and couldn't come over and be with them. When you go out for the night do your kids think that they suddenly own the house and can entertain guests? She is SO childish -- even her own children are more mature than she is.
You really got me laughing with this one! Thanks so much!
I am empathetic to this, but stop it. It is happening, reality is you have been here before and you know damn well that the longer you fight with reality, the longer you will feel all of this hurt. Do you remember posting to me very early on in my situation about the Alpha Male philosophy? Do you remember sending me and Tyson the article on being the Alpha Male? Maybe you should read it again.......
Stand up dude, you do not look good on your knees.....SHE DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.......
Right again. I don't look good on my knees and I'm staying there less often. And one other thing - I LET her define me for too long and that is part of the reason I keep falling down. She IS a 'boat anchor' around my neck because I have never felt like it really was OK to be me for way too long.
I made a new friend tonight. I had gone to a DivorceCare class last Sunday, pretty beat up and feeling low. There was a guy there who was pretty together and he was kind enough to give me his number and said to call him if I was needing to get out of the house and talk. So I did.
He had a lot of insights since he was already quite a ways down the path - over a year since being separated and divorce proceedings. What was most interesting was how similar in many ways our W's were. What he really did for me was show me that there really is peace at the end of the process as he is at peace with his life.
More to the point he got me to see that we were living in 'little things' all the time. By that he meant we would always be on our guard and overly sensitive to our W's feelings. So much so that if we said something we thought they would take the wrong way we would go off into a 'what I meant was...' to try to 'fix' things, rather than just let her deal with OUR feelings 'as is'.
That is not a good place to be in a relationship because basically you're living with no security. No security that no matter what, there isn't anything you can do or say that will ruin the relationship. You are never feeling 'safe'.
I can't say I felt 'safe' for a long time. While my W did not demand 'appeasement', I felt like I had to be on my guard for any cracks in the relationship and fix them.
Again, not a good place to be in a relationship.
Why does this matter? Because he was telling me about a lady friend of his who he did the 'what I meant was...' thing with and she just stopped him and said 'do you know you do that? You start apologizing when you say something you don't think I liked hearing?'
You shouldn't have to be in a relationship where you're ever wondering if the other person is going to leave you. Ever. You should be relaxed, at peace in your home. AT PEACE.
My W may not have been happy, and life was difficult for us, partly because of where I was at and partly because of her INaction. BUT she never had to worry if I was going to leave her. Never.
He also said 'Peace comes before Understanding'. In fact, we may never fully understand this whole thing. But we WILL find peace.
