might have made a mistake

[doa180]

An e-mail exchange today...

Me -- I'm really torn between looking for a place here and a job there. I don't want to have an e-mail conversation at work about it, but at some point I'd like to see if we could have a conversation about where we might be.

W -- I don't have an answer right now other than that I certainly can't afford to financially support the kids on my own in that house - and you taking a job just to be closer but at a really huge paycut doesn't help.

I am tired and I don't know if I even want to reconnect emotionally - I am too tired just trying to manage the day to day. I don't see at this point what could possibly be in the area that would be a good job for you. I think there would be dramatic consequences for your career - that I know you are willing to sacrifice, but you have a kid that will enter college in a couple years and others that depend on you financially and otherwise.

Honestly, if you were to move up here now, I dont see how living together as a family is an option right now. You don't understand any of my anger and resentment and probably never will. Really, I feel like you being down there keeps things at status quo. If you moved up here now, things would progress in a way that you wouldn't like.



I just said thanks for the response and that I understand some of the anger and resentment, just not the level. And also that I am sorry you feel that strongly...

Thoughts?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Yeah,

That was a pretty honest email on her part.

She needs the space right now, she needs you to be financially secure.

I also think you responded well.

[doa180]

Thanks. I do wish she would have talked to me, but I am happy that she shared with me. She usually does not.

It does make me mad that she has this extemel high level of anger and resentment. It is all based on her being young when we got married and that we have moved a lot. I get it, but they were all decisions that she was involved in. Did I ever cheat, lie, abuse, neglect? No... Just ranting a bit to you kind folks, and my complete response to her is above.

I really wanted to ask her if status quo is related only to her inability to afford our current house. If that's the case, I would just rather know that. She knows I would continue to take care of the finances until it sells (been on the market for six mos.), and that I wouldn't really have a choice even if I was an ass about it.

Status quo is a good deal for her. She does not have to be the bad guy and file for divorce, we have been getting along pretty good, the kids don't know the sitch, etc. I'm pretty sure OM sitch went south, and so I would guess that is on her mind as well. Uh, sorry, that was more ranting. I just get the feeling that she has made her mind up that it's over, she is just in a place where she doesn;t have to say it.

I think I may wear my ring, but I feel like a schmuck wearing it. I thought I was in LRT, but I don' tthink she is ready to see that or care about that yet.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I thought I was in LRT, but I don' tthink she is ready to see that or care about that yet.

Well I can honestly say that if you are doing LRT for a reaction from her, then you aren't really LRT.
When you REALLY LRT you simply don't care about her reactions anymore.

[doa180]

Good point. I THOUGHT I was doing it for me, but perhaps not. I am now at a point where I go back and forth a little on not wanting to stand anymore. I feel used and used up. It's fine for her to want to be engaged with me as far as money goes, but that is it. I want to scream -- we have money and nice things because of the joint decisions we have made. I know she made sacrifices and I did not do a good job of realizing that and letting her know. I have been trying to do that, without going over the top...

I'm hoping that all is not lost and that status quo has the potential for a positive outcome. It's just been six months and she always reverts back to blaming me for everything she does not like about her life. I'll accept my fair share... Her e-mail just makes me think it is hopeless.

[doa180]

Any advice for distance during Easter? OUr visits have been so much more cordial then before, of course the earlier e-mail says to me that W is just putting on a better face.

I'll be "home" for 3.5 days, then bringing the kids for a 5 day visit. I can't wait to spend the time with them -- I miss them so much. I feel bad that they don't know what's in play between me and W, and how it may impact them. But I'm sure it's better that they don't know until something definitive happens.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

But I'm sure it's better that they don't know until something definitive happens.

Yes. Once things seemed deffinite, we seperately started talking to them slowly breaking them to the idea.

I feel bad that they don't know what's in play between me and W

They don't need to know that right now. Spare them as long as you can. And once they know, if they ever do, do not try to enlist them to your side. They are non-participants. Do not make them choose, do not open up to them, be their father, do not let them become your support. Talk only well of their mother. Should it come to that.

[doa180]

Just had a webcam call with them. They are coloriong easter egges...

That's great advice and I am totally there. Would you elaborate a bit on talking to them separately? I was of the mind we should all sit down together.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Just saying that is how we did it. At the time I wanted nothing to do with her.

[doa180]

I see. Our kids wil be used to the idea because of our physical seperation, although I know it wil be different once they hear it (if they do).

Can you explain this... about 20 minutes after the e-mail exchange I shared earlier W forwarded me a joke. She never does that. I don't get it...