Sandi's Here in Piecing from Almost WAW

[sandi2]

Forrest, what in the Sam Hill are you talking about?

What I saw, from the first post you made till the posting here, was someone talking about me.

When I see your name (Sandi2) it draws up a song.

I don't know what the deal with my name is......someone else had the name Sandi also...so I had to be Sandi2, that's all.

What I have missed is where does the OM (Husband) play into this. Now notice that I put Husband in "" right after OM. There is some significance to that. I truly feel you should name your computer "Big C." If you don't like that name that is ok. You can name it whatever you like. I really like "Big C" because it ties into my fantasy world. I fully expect you not to get it. Not because you are "dumb" but because you are ill informed.

Now, this blew me out of the water b/c I haven't the slightest idea of what you mean. Are you talking about my husband, my computer, or the OM I had an EA with???? No, I am not dumb but I am very confused. I am through with OM/EA! My H comes home, eats, and passes out on the couch. and then I come to the computer and check into DB Board....just in case there might be a couple out there somewhere that I can say, "Listen to what happen to us....you don't want to end up like this!" (Does that make you feel better?)

So what I am saying is that sometimes I don't see "life" in you. What I connect with is when people show themselves here. They talk about the effect this is having on "their" life. I just never got that from you. All I saw was you. After 2-3 years it should be "your" life. Does that make sense?

Ahhh....no, it doesn't make a lick of sense to me. I have not been here 2-3 years. I have talked about my life and the effects the events over the years have taken on it. I have not talked about it all at one time or all in one forum, but over a period of time to the many people I have responded to with my suggestions. I have given them parts of my story (or my life). I have been as honest as I know how and have shown myself, and my H, and our M, the best way I can, so if you can't see "me".....then I'm sorry but I don't know what else to do. But then you turn around and say

All I saw was you

. Make up your mind, will ya?

Sometimes I still think you must get me confused with another person.....maybe that other Sandi girl. In fact, I think there was about three Sandi girls at once.

You refered to something the last time you wrote me that I never said and didn't know where you came up with the idea you had. I ased you to explain, but you never replied. Now, you are out in deep waters again.

I just wish at times I knew who you really were.

Well, I'm sorry, but I have spoke as plainly as I know how to without giving my personal data sheet.

You have so many excuses. 9 out of 10 times I just feel tired reading your posts. I just want you to understand that thru it all I want the La-Z-Boy rocking when you roll out.

Well, now Forrest, I could let that hurt my feelings (but I won't), b/c I have worked very hard over the four decades of M without very much help or encouragement from my "other half" what-so-ever! Anyone that knows me and knows him....also knows the truth! So, if I appear to be "lazy" to you....then that is your POV. If it seems that I just use excuses....then that is the way you are seeing it. In my POV, I am trying to explain myself or let others see who "I really am" (didn't you want to know?). Others have seen me as being strong and determined in spite of my disease and in spite of the depression and in spite of not having any help or encouragement on the home front. You say you don't see life in me.....I have not retired from public work even if I can't do very much to have a real "life". I have not retired b/c we cannot live on what my H makes (oh, sorry, an excuse, I suppose). Believe me, if I could.....I would in a second b/c it is pure hell every single morning going through the pain of getting out of bed and dressing for the day. I have to take so many pills to just be able to walk, move about, and to try to function throughout the daytime--that by the time I do make it back home, I collapse into that "lazy-boy recliner" you like to talk so much about me needing "to roll out of". I am about the most non-lazy person you would ever meet, Forrest, but, I am not physically able to do what I once did or what I would love to be able to do now! You can call it an excuse or you can say that I am "lazy", but until you have walked in my shoes.......don't go there with me b/c you don't know what you are talking about. I bet you wouldn't tell somebody that had cancer that they were just lazy or they were full of excuses and it made you tired reading their posts! Oh no! That would be curel. Well, that is how you have made me feel that you are being toward me. I have FM/CFS,chemical depression, and a back with massive nerve damage that keeps me in pain 24/7, so I offer no excuses to you or anyone else! I deal with what I have to deal with. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, but I don't appreciate people saying I am full of excuses when they don't have a glimpse of what I endure on a daily basis. I have cried for hours at a time b/c I am not physically able to do what I once did for my H, family, and church. But trust me...it is not due to laziness!

I don't have any plans to stop posting. Unless, of course, I start getting this crap all the time from others. I told DomR that I was through with him! And I meant it. If I make you so tired, then you don't have to read my post. It is certainly not my intentions of pulling anyone down! I left SSM forum b/c I did not want to go there to begin with....DomR kept pushing me to move my thread over there and when I didn't do it in the alloted time he decided I should, then he had the audacity to acutally start one for me! If you don't believe me, go back and look far enough and you'll find it. So, I went, but then I left b/c nobody really knew what else to say. I felt it was time, so I went back to Piecing....which is where I wanted to be! I didn't think most people could help my situation when I went there, but I was trying to cooperate. Who knew....maybe a miracle would happen! My H probably won't ever be able to have sex again b/c of his health and the meds he is on. After 22 years of him sleeping alone, I am use to sleeping by myself, and even though I miss the closeness, I doubt he will ever change. Oh, sorry, more excuses. But, I don't see it as "excuses"......I see it as trying my very best to tell it how it is! Nothing more, nothing less....just facts. If you see it as an excuse...so be it. That is what my H chose.....not me....that is what he wants to continue to do, so, he can do that and I will not nag him about it. I have made my case before him and he chooses not to comply, so I will let it alone and make do as I have for over the past 2 decades.

As fate would have it I want you to start posting his thoughts for me. Gimme his perspective from yours. You can slip them in.

Well, I just tried to do that, Forrest. I have tried throughout all of the posts that I have replied to one person or the other while I have been on board. If you missed it or didn't "get it", I'm sorry. I have to half guess as to what my H's perpsectives are.....always did, always will.

So, I have vented enough. You did not hurt my feelings, but you did get my blood pressure up a bit. I still think you have either confused me with somebody else....again, or you simply do not see things the way they truly are. I have said many times that coming to this computer night after night has helped save my M b/c my H would not consider going to C. It stopped me from walking away. Maybe that was not enough for men like DomR and yourself....but my H seems to be fine with it. We will be okay....in our own slow, but sweet time. If I can help anyone else do better than we have....it will be worth the effort and hours that I have given to this board.

Signed,
One Sandi here on the DB Board