Worried I found DB too late #2

[cw68]

Hound, I think I was pretty critical and now H is gun-shy so it feels like anything I say is taken as criticism.

I know that H just wants to get the house looking and working better, and this may not be good DBing, but I'm not going to say that I needed to plan better because I'm not the one responsible for the timing of the cooktop replacement. It's been in the garage for a month, I didn't plan on putting it in when I have a house full of guests, he did. I'd rather just not say anything. Admittedly, I have judged the timing of him replacing the cooktop. To me, he didn't think too much about me or my guests, or at least he didn't think about the ramifications of his actions on those around him. Saturday they come in town, Sunday he makes the mess and leaves, doesn't come by on Monday (leaving me to clean up and there's no way I could do it all with guests in town) and then Tuesday he complains about the kitchen being messy (luckily they are gone until tomorrow). This just doesn't sit well with me, regardless of what his intent was. There hasn't been any "sorry for the timing, I didn't think, I should have waited, I should have had the right tools" or anything. Judgmental, sure. Rightfully irritated? I think so. IMO, I'm just in a lose/lose spot. If I say anything, he'll take it as criticism. So I'd rather just still be irritated and not have him feel judged.

Is "it's how I feel" a selfish statement? I was realizing that my feelings are not what he means but rather my interpretation of them, I wasn't trying to have my feelings trump his intent, but rather I was acknowledging that they are separation and I don't always know what I think I know. You make very good points about OUR marriage, btw.

As for our roles, we had/have less of a problem being individuals as we did being a couple. We both did plenty of things outside of the house/family, but they weren't together. We could each do our volunteering and other activities (mine: politics, him: marathon training) easier on our own because of the whole babysitter thing than we could together. I chose community and family things to occupy my time and my H chose single and childless friends to out to the bars with or solitary activities like running that I couldn't be involved with. OK, we could have gotten a babysitter, but whenever we did, I'd head home to relive the babysitter ($$ and time) and he'd stay out until 2am. As for running, I don't run and he has said that he wouldn't do short slow runs with me because he didn't want to be held back with his training. And my H travels a fair amount for work, which really ramped up after we moved to this new house and I felt very lonely in the new town. These things really contributed to us losing our connection. I thought our marriage was stronger than it was so I didn't worry, thought it would just be a phase. Unfortunately, I hadn't a clue that he was in pain and frighteningly unhappy with our relationship.

Our parenting is the thing we do best together and outside of the infant stage there hasn't really been a lot of stress on our roles in this regard. He's really trying to focus on the family and I'm very supportive of that. I realize that if he comes back, that will be the reason. He's not confident he can come back to the marriage, but if we make OUR marriage it will make all the difference to all of us.

We've both talked about how communication is key and regardless of whether or not we move forward together it's something we have to get better at. My personal feeling is that I can only show progress on things that aren't threatening because he's so afraid of me, our marriage and the pain it brought him. I can only work on myself right now.