MLC BS/2?

[irisheyes13]

Hiya Patrick

Would telling her you respect her wishes and not attending the family events be a 180 for you? When she asks you to not attend does she expect you to argue back?

If so- tell her thats fine and you won't go until things settle down and become less awkward

That's the DB way isn't it-however sometimes it's hard to raise above it but your doing ok

Continue contact with her family tho-acknowledge every invitation and continue to see them at other times.

The sooner your W and Om relationship normalizes -the sooner the rot will set in!

Find a way to realise your anger and frustration

Download the desiderata-it's a affirmation and a simple way to centre yourself in all the madness

Tc

Mandy

[Patrick325]

I may do that. It may be tough come holiday time...but I will have to endure. I understand about the "rot" but it is scary thinking that it may "grow". It is hard to keep your self esteem through this crap. She can be nasty alot of the times and you just think "why am I putting up with this?" I am on the ropes all the time. Not knowing if this is what I want. 17 years is a lot of wasted time but I wonder if I would be better off moving on. Love stinks!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

17 years is a lot of wasted time

Wow...that's one of the most depressing things I have heard.

17 years...wasted? Dude Cowboy up. You have daughters right? It's not like you took a nap for 17 years. That would be wasted.
Just because life is not what you expected that doesn't mean all the years prior to it were a waste.

[Patrick325]

Not all wasted...but I always valued my family more than anything...now I have kids and me....It's not a family like I knew before. I guess it takes getting used to.

[missmyfriend]

I think Jack is trying to say (correct me Jack if I am reading your post incorrectly) that you are a man of extremes. You are stating that the life with your W was a waste. Even if you did not have your Ds, you are rewriting history and doubting the good times that you two, as husband and wife, probably shared.

If I was going to guess, you may not have a single positive person, off the boards, giving you encouragement and speaking well of your wife and you at the same time. Helping you to be strong and kind and loving, and not allowing your negative emotions to control you. If you do have that person, are you listening? Conventional wisdom (using the word wisdom loosely) is to get mad and get even. CW says that is a show of strength.

Your statement that "I always valued my family more than anything..." sounds as though it is past tense? Why? They are still your family regardless of the mess it is currently in. This is where the "as if" role play should come into action.

Act "as if" everything is okay. Don't worry if that your Ds or your W will think you are accepting of the situation. They know you are not happy with it.

Selfless acts of love are not easy. Try to get off the emotional rollercoaster that you are on. Trust me that it is not easy. It is one of the most difficult things I am doing and I have to make sure that I don't jump back in all the time. It is so much better stepping back and watching the coaster than being on it making huge mistakes.

Listen to Jack. His sitch may not mirror yours exactly but the core similarities are there. He has been there and conquered this crap (and is continuing to piece his marriage back together).

mmf

[Patrick325]

I don't have anyone positive off the boards. That is true. Most of her family don't talk with me about the sitch and the ones that do support me, but not her. My family is against her pretty much. I try to as them to understand the mlc but I think most don't believe it. They think it is just an affair. But most of the time I think it was more than that. You go through so much selfdoubt and guilt and anger. You all know it but others who haven't been through it just say "to hell with her" or kind of look at you funny like your an idiot or desperate for hanging on after all this crap.

I have to be strong but it waivers from one day to the next. I feel powerless at times, especially when I talk with her. She gets angry and I try to keep cool. She tries to control me but I resist and she gets angrier. I give in to keep her quiet. I get confused on when to give in and when to resist. I have to start rereading my DB book.

Her brother called me last night and told me if he invites me over that's his business and not hers. He said he is not doing it to be nice to me. He invites me because he wants me to come over. So I am going over there for Easter. She won't be there. I just want to figure out the next holiday so I know what my plan is....

[missmyfriend]

Patrick, I think you have the right idea. Reread the DB book, especially the chapter on MLC. Also, what do you mean that you "resist"? How are you resisting? And what do you do to give in? Do you mind elaborating?

[irisheyes13]

Hiya Patrick

you sound like your really struggling-know that you are in good company-all off us have been there at some stage in this madness

Your w is being nasty because she wants to provoke you which in turn will validate her actions-if you are nasty back-she will be 'you see thats why I left'

What have you planned for YOURSELF over the easter break-treat yourself how you would treat your best friend.

I'm a bit ahead of you in terms of when bomb dropped and after 6 months the confusion and pain starts to ease a bit.

I know what you mean about moving on-ie dating again. But after listening to every-one hear saying what a bad idea it is i've decided not to-doesn't mean to say I havn't gone out with my friends and did a healthy amount of flirting!

There are more than one way to skin a cat!


Read all you can on how to detach from some-one -there's a link in the resource thread.

Two words I say to myself daily-Forgive and Detach

The day will come when you suddenly realize that you are actually not unhappy and if your not unhappy then you must be happy-be true to yourself -time as they say is a great healer-you won't have to ask if you should move on because it will have just crept up on you naturally while you've been focusing on yourself.

Tc
mandy

[Patrick325]

I sometimes try resist her control over me. Sometimes I get caught up in the idea that if she is mad at me she is getting further away from me. So I will try to do what she wants to keep that connection. But I realize that she is controlling me in this way. The funny thing is that if I calmly tell her know she gets over it and treats me better next time.

It was strange today. I went to OM's house to pick up the twins for church. She came out (my W, wearing one of his tshirts) and gave my d14 that is staying with me, an easter basket. She even came over and gave me a piece of chocolate and smiled. Then when I dropped them off she was pretty nice to me. The thing is that it made me angry that she was happy and being nice to me. I sat in church and actually felt the anger build up over that. I don't want to accept this relationship--to me it's not right. In church they spoke of forgiveness and suddenly I felt the anger wash away and I felt peaceful. It was nice for once to feel at peace and I guess that forgiveness has a lot to do with it. The only thing now is I am afraid that I am throwing in the towel when I accept this sitch. I mean, if I accept her living with this guy is it like approving of it?? How does that look to my kids?? I don't want anyone including my kids, to think that it's ok for a wife to do this to a husband(or vica versa)...

[Patrick325]

yesterday was another bad day...I went over to our house to clean the pool--it's getting listed for sale. My W stopped over and was cleaning up. Before I left she said she is going away for a few days to Marco island with OM...It really hurt me...I kind of blew it off in front of her but the ride home was rough. It's like she is just moving on so steadily now...her folks went over to OM's house to see the twins on Easter...It's just like our life before is fading away....I find it hard to talk to her now and act happy...I feel like the door is closing on us....