I'm with Ali. Honestly it took me a while for me to connect with my counselor and be able to start working as a team, but he has REALLY helped me once I stopped trying to control all the sessions, and pointed stuff out to me about myself that I NEVER would have been able to figure out by myself. I see how what I did in the R is not just R stuff but MY stuff, how I deal with everyone and everything, not just my man. It is SO helpful. ALSO, I know I get a lot of support on the BB, but every once in a while I get to talk to someone in person about it and it makes me feel so good. I think Live Help could really boost your PMA.
I was having similar thoughts to Ali's when I was laying in bed last night trying to fall asleep. If you would leave when W would yell, what if you tried something different, like:
- banging your fist on the table and saying, "you cannot talk to me this way! you are hurting my feelings!"
- yelling back at her and "letting it all out"
-Or writing her a note, saying, "When you yell, I feel _____. I really want to understand what you are going through but as soon as you start to yell it flips a switch in me and I can't listen anymore."
-Or even walk over, wrap your arms around her, and say, "Why are you so angry, my darling, my beloved, my beautiful W? Please let's sit down and talk about it, I want to know."
I think EVERY TIME your W communicates with you, she is giving you BIG CLUES about how to get through to her, even if she is just kvetching about you leaving the light on in the closet. She is dissatisfied and hurting too, even if the way she's talking to you about it, or not talking to you about it, SUCKS and hurts. It might seem on the surface that she's perfectly happy to be in a Frozen Marriage but underneath she is probably just as confused and sad about it as you are. When she yells, it is because she is hurting about something.
I REALLY recommend reading "anger" by thich nhat hahn. it is all about reconciliation under the most extreme impossible circumstances. It is about couples. The first chapter has a very beautiful story about a couple who could not stand each other and were able to reconcile. The "bad guy" (here the H of the couple) was just as relieved as the W to finally be understood, accepted, and loved.
Jeff, you have to believe that inside your W somewhere is a beautiful woman waiting to be understood, accepted, and loved. Even if she is nestled inside a bunch of russian dolls, or frozen under layers of ice, or buried deep in the sand. she's still in there.
