Worried I found DB too late #2

[cw68]

Hound. I think you're right in that my H doesn't understand what I want and I have been critical. One of his issues with me is that I'm too critical and I am.

One thing that has always bugged me is the dinnertime thing. I used to get irritated because I'd put the food on the table, pour the drinks, cut up the kids' food, whatever and then sit to eat and he'd be halfway done. Then the kids would need seconds, or spill or something, and then the three of them would be done and gone, leaving me sitting there to eat alone. I finally did mention it and now he waits to eat until I eat and that does help. I still wish that he could just reach over and cut up food on his own without having to be prompted, however! (Little pet peeve.) I think one approach to this -- and I'm not picking the dinner thing, it's just clear to me and if I use this thought process with other things I might be able to find workable solutions -- is that I'll stop calling the family into the kitchen until all the food is on the table. I liked having them around, having us hang out together, but I'm going to give this a try and see what affect this has.

Hound, how do I let him know my expectations or needs when he says I'm overbearing? I feel like right now I have to just let everything rolls off of my back.

For instance, deciding to replace the cooktop when "we" have a house full of guests. Ceramic dust everywhere (it looks like a volcano blew inside the house), my sister and I cleaned for two hours solid the first morning she was here, her asthma's been set off, I have no cooktop so food has been difficult and he's the one who gets to scoot and not deal with the repercussions. I wish he would have just waited and actually helped clean up instead of complaining this morning that he's all stressed out because the kitchen's a mess. (Seriously, this ceramic dust is a pain in the patooty. It got into every cabinet so every single thing in the kitchen has to be cleaned. It's taking a while, even with my sister's help, because of the volume of work needed.) How do I share this without coming across as "overbearing" and critical?

You're right in that I don't know if his touch is empty. It just feels that way to me and I should clarify the difference to myself. It's how I feel, not what he means. I have blamed his childhood and his mother's influence for a lot of this. I still think it's true however, but I guess I can't show him anything. I've told him that he might not have faith right now in us, in marriage, but that I have enough faith for him. That maybe marriage means leaning on the other person when you don't have it in you and that sometime I'm probably going to need to lean on him. I still feel that way, but I can't dictate his feelings. I still think he's capable of great things, but you're right in that I don't know what he thinks he's capable of.

I need to learn to be less critical yet still be able to acknowledge things that don't sit well with me AND I have to learn to let the little things roll off. For the record, I haven't said anything about the cooktop issue/timing/cleaning.