Marcum - buddy, you need to stop with the puppy dog attitude right now, this minute. She will be repelled by your Mr. Nice Guy behavior, especially if it is out of character and seems phoney. Mr Nice Guy presents NO challenge to a woman, and they see it as boring.
Just back off. Don't call her or email her for a few days - see if she comes to you, or shows even the slightest sign of noticing that you are not clinging and smothering anymore.
My DB coach told me that smothering, clingy behavior sends most W's running for the hills faster than almost anything else. My W has told me basically the same thing...I have had to go against my instincts and do what they are telling me. And that is back off. Clinging behavior stinks of desperation - not what your W (or my W) want to come back home to.
If your W is seeing someone else, you need to make a decision. Most flings don't last long. You can continue to DB, let her know that you are available as a friend, and see where that takes you.
I can't remember - do you have the DR book? It's all in there, you just have to believe it and live it.
Easy for me to say - I struggle with it every single day.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Hound If im missing it then i dont know how to find it. Beleive me im looking for any sigh. Im going to back off again but this time im going to look to being more normal then before. your right Mink when your no callange why should they persue. I read the book 5 love lanquges and she says her two are gifts of service and quality time. im overdoing it on the servises i can see that now. also my clingyness is smothering her. well here we are with a 2 hour car ride back home. man i hope ist not to late. as for thr OM i dont know if its serious or not but i didnt get married to this women because i could not forgive her. shes in a lonley place right now no matter how much she suger coateds it.
man it sucked this morning though. she looked at me and said her jaw hurts because she has been clenching her teeth all weekend because she is nervious around me. not as ego killer but a heart crusher
You know, I would read Minkermans's threads. He's handled his sitch very well as far as validating. He was in no way a sad puppy (inside I'm sure he was dying), but he was telling his wife that she's free to go, that it's only fair if that's what she wants, then who is he to stop her. He also told her that he may not always wait around for her.
Your wife KNOWS that she can always have you. Maybe if she knows that you're OK without her, she'll think twice about what she'll be giving up.
Good luck on your drive home...
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
By the way, I think your wife is WAY overdoing it with the whole nervous/scared of you thing. Maybe I just don't get it, but you're her husband for crying out loud...she knows you wouldn't hurt her. She's acting as if you're a serial killer and she needs to watch her back. Drama, (or likely manipulation) if you ask me. And, I do hold the title on manipulation-to-get-my-way.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
well on the drive home i didnt act lovey once. i did start singing with her and for two hours we had a sing along to her favorit C.D.s it was nice she acted comfortable near me for the first timwe all weekend. she did get a little cold as she dropped me off. it was weired, she litterly changes 5 miles from our house. she stopped singing and just clammed up. she did give a hug which was nice but then she beet feet. mabey being near were we should be living makes her feel guilty? and Ms. Ladey if you remember in C she told me flat out that if i dont persue her she had no reason top come back. the thing is she need is in doses not a 3 day failurthon. i also cant take 3 days with her because the huirt im hideing come out. i can drop my needs for a while but i do miss her love in my life. but the fact she wants to base out whole marrage on how this weekend goes seem ludicruse
i just e-mail ladey bug and im going to share my thought. Mink and Hound i blam this in you. Im going to try and look at everything when we are together through her eyes. I will ask myself how do i look right now. Am i weired, or nervious? to i seem clingy? I hope this will help me ease her comfort level. i just hope theres still time to save this
I was thinking that a 3 day event was WAY to mush for us to do . i was all excited for a 3 day romance-a-thon but we hadent spent that mmusch tome together when we were at our best. my W had brought up date night a month ago and in=m going to re-up them tommorw. I will explain how i I realsit that suggestion this last weekend was a huge leap of faith on my W part. between you and me she did some mean crap this last weekend, but i cant dewll on that. i have to look at it and see that when she flirted with other guys that was just her way of trying to feel pretty. was it the right way--hell no!! but it was what she felt was right so when i come in and act like a hurt husband. well shes not ready for that.
You need to minimize contact, not maximize it. You're right, 3 days was probably too much.
Leave her wanting more.
Act cool, confident, friendly but quiet. Go a couple days without calling. See if that changes anything. Monitor the results, then change it up again if you have to.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
I agree with Mink. Date night is a GREAT idea...but NOT now. She is in NO way ready for date night. I realize that she wants to be persued, but give her a few days of no contact before you suggest the date night. If she asks where you've been...tell her you've been very busy. The puppy dog DID not work. She needs to see that you are OK with or without her (and really, you are). I know you feel like you're sinking, but you have to go SLOW. Esp after this past weekend. Leave her alone for a few days now.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Well today really sucked. My w sends me so many mixed singles, she brought me a gift of green tea because i had talked about her new love of the stuff. she hasent done something like that for a long time. then my wife went right into MC and told the C how the weekend was to much. It was three days of pressure. So I tried something Hound if your out there please don’t be mad but I stuck up for myself, which I haven’t really done since this all started. I told her she was right it was to much for me as well and I didn’t know any more either. I told her three allowed me to put to many expectations on her which wasn’t fair to her, or to me. I didn’t read your post yet lady, and I did bring up the date night. And yes she wasn’t responsive in the least.
She went into machine gun mode and brought up every little thing I did wrong. Even the C stated that with her anxiety that maybe she was creating a environment were I could be seen as wrong even when I wasn’t. Well the W said NO I am open minded. She brought up I had left my dirty underwear by the bed (which she wasn’t in) and how I left my boots between the two beds. I told her “W when you told me to move them I did. I thank you for the times you correct my attitudes and judgments because I really am oblivious to when I’m doing wrong.” The W asks why should she have to always tell me to which I replied in a very quiet voice “because you a good friend and I need my friend s to cal me out if I make them uncomfortable. Otherwise I really won’t know.”
Well she goes into a tangent on how when im with my guy friends im a different person. I told her she was right and I need to be more aware of that. I might have back traced a little and said that we are all different with our friends then we are with the people we are seeing ( dating, or married) well she didn’t want to hear that and explained she was worried that this is who I was and I could not change. The C asked if these behaviors were less then they were before, to which the w responded “Yes but I just don’t know…”
So I did a little 180 and told my W I’m on the fence as well. I told her that if we were dating I probably would not call her back, she acts disinterested and seems to find fault.. she stated that was bull [censored]. She stated she has tried for years to pick up with me and if im giving up after a few months then I never cared. I told her she puts me in a no win situation. If I pursue I’m wrong and if I take a step back im wrong.
She started to cry and said then maybe your right you can’t win and actually got up to leave…
I told her to please wait so she did sit back down. I told her that I’m on the fence because I need to distance myself form the situation because she has told me a lot more info ( see previous posts about the weekend) and I need to be able to thing. I said maybe I will call you next week and maybe I wont but for right now I’m going to thing on what was said. I told her I needed to find out who I was as well.
She actually stated then she wants to know what she does to make me uncomfortable so I told her. 1. You are flirtatious with other guys and you don’t wear your ring or even introduce me so I feel like I’m being cut off, and when I do come in you act like I’m not trusting 2. You don’t give me the slack you will even give you other male friends when it comes to volume or thing said. She thanked me for letting me know. Does this seem a little like its against the DB way of passive acceptance? Well our meeting ended there and she walked out and already has a another C session set for next week.
Im going to text her happy Easter on Sunday, I also have her camera from the weekend and she and some friends are going out on Friday to celebrate a friends birthday. Im going to leave her camera in her truck at work, no note just the camera. The counsoler is accredited like the DR book say sand she told me on the way out my W seems to want to be pursued still and to keep being patient. Time is all I have. Were folks tell me what you think please
