Jak, If you're thinking of separation, perhaps you need to be talking to a therapist. Separation is a serious decision, and should not be done out of frustration, but be planned for.
I know that when my frustration increases, my mind wanders towards escape routes and fantasies. We are in a vulnerable state at times. Separation is a viable alternative at times, but it shouldn't be something you spiral into.
Seek a therapist.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
[/quote]I do think it's time for a shake up, but maybe take separation off the table for awhile. I think that makes it harder to come up with creative ideas - it becomes easier to look at your "escape route." (at least, that's been true for me).
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CL,
Thats what im'e afraid of is that I am thinking of an out intsead of holding my position so to speak because im'e tired of not feeling loved. It has been three years since the start of this and it is feeling like it has been too long.
I do think he loves me as he says but, not the deep love that spouses should have for one another as far as emotional connection.
I have started a second part time job to help pay off some debt sooner and to do extras. I also thought it would get me out of the house and away from H more. It also gives him more time to think I hope.
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What he's missing is that HE needs to step up and make YOU feel loved and taken care of.[quote]
Thats just it he says he's sorry that he hasn't been able too. My fear is that he is just waiting for the light bulb to turn on and it may be a long wait.
as far as the 180's I could go out more but, I am gone so much now I will have to figure that one out. I thnk I will step up walking and do it alone without asking him (just leave) and im'e thinking of hitting the library after work on my one job days.
Any one have any suggestions.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
JAK - sorry if you've mentioned this and I don't remember, but has he read/heard the 5LL? I wonder if it might click with him. If he's not a big "reader" there's an audio version of it available. Maybe next time he says he's sorry you can say "Hey I found this great book/CD..." ?
As for the 180s - I'm thinking not so much "more GAL'ing" but more 180s, doing something different. What do you "always" or "never" do that would be different, fun for you, and maybe catch his attention a little bit?
I'm trying to think of examples, but don't know you or your "routine" enough. One of my 180s was really focusing on having a PMA since I had been depressed for a long time. Other little ones were keeping my nails manicured, styling my hair every day, new and much trendier clothes, spontaneously talking to people more (i.e. strike up a conversation in the grocery store line..). Larger one was trading in the boring sedan for a convertible Mustang (and even without researching it to death).. obviously that one's a little costlier.
Some of those probably won't have much impact on H but doing something different like that tends to make me feel a little better and less "trapped" - might be a good time for that for you, as well?
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Oh... one other thought... is the area you'd "move" into in your house decorated? If not, maybe fix it up really nice, turn it into a "sanctuary" for yourself. You may remember me doing that. I never actually "moved" but it felt great to make a space that was all me.
It wasn't the intent but it also REALLY got my H's attention when he saw a formerly basically unused room turned into an obvious place for someone to live. He's only mentioned it once but it was shortly after that his attitude really seemed to turn around.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
It's funny how you mention all of the examples of 180's I do every one of them!
Iv'e always had a PMA around H most of the time. I think it's time to distance myself again though as he apparently is just to comfortable with me to do the work he needs I feel.
I am working on redoing the basement. and also got a twin bed for the spare bedroom down there. I am going to start working on it this weekend.
CL, I do think I need to see a therapist again and soon as I have thoughts more and more of separarting. I wonder also about weather or not he's still depressed over OW and thats why he's having trouble. My take is all of these are factors.
Last night when I got home from both of my jobs H was very clingy. This is getting so it makes me mad because I think that he is trying to smooth it over so that he can continue with his behaviour until he decides what the he$$ he wants. At least thats what I feel. I was pleasant quiet but affectionate to a point. but still somewhat distant. My thought is to gradually distance my self so that he keeps wondering what im thinking and maybe starts working. And I can have fun and prepare myself for what ever.
Mat, look forward to hearing from you.
OH and as far as the book goes I have it and he thinks I read to many of those and he wouldn't touch it im sure. Maybe I'll leave it out and see what happens.
Yes he does need to start meeting my needs but feels at this time he can't.
I wonder if everything he is doing all of the time with his Mom is wearing on him too. He is her main caretaker, the one she calls for everything and I help as much as I can but he does the most. He has five siblings but only one helps much the rest don't even come a round. It also hasn't been that long since FIL passed so who knows there either.
WOW Im spewing all around here. SO many thoughts!
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, Your frustration with your situation is understandable. You deserve a H who is present emotionally in the M. You're simply asking your H to stretch a little and try to open up more.
The question continues to be, does he need more time or is he perpetuating avoidance patterns and needs to be held accountable? Another question, is how do you manage your frustration? Do you live the highest quality of life that you can given the M you have, and accept your H's imperfections, or do you set expectations for him, and put the conflict in the center of your R, versus hidden as he wants?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I know that I could live a higher quality of life than I am.
I have been trying to hard to piece I think and need to step back and or shake things up.
I really don't set any expecatations for him I would like him to work through this himself and then work with me to build our M together. If he chooses not to do the work needed I'll have to make my decisions as to what i need to do for me but I can not excpect him to do what I want it has to be what we want.
I have accepted the fact that he does not like to talk R never has but he does have to be held accountable for what he is doing to the R by being avoidant if that is what he's actually doing. Is he? i don't know. He has had quite a while now to work the connection thing out without any pushing from me.The question i keep pondering is has it been long enough. It has been for me but, then im'e not the one with the issue.
I would say hidden to a point because we have talks of R very seldom and I don't push R talk because he does need time to work on his MLC, and we know that it has no timeline.
I do bring up things every few months as to let him know that I feel he is still having trouble and that I still need more from our M than he is giving me but I do that very suttely.
as far as frustration goes,Women love to talk and I vent to some very good friends who just listen. And cry by myself.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Distance and loneliness in a M is difficult. What's interesting is that sexual activity in your case does not enhance intimacy and connection for you. [quote]
CL
I was just rereading and really looked at this again.
I wanted to state that it does make me feel more connected and I think keeps H just connected enough, otherwise I think we would both be gone from the M right now.
I do want to ask H if it is just sex to him though
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
