CAGZ new YEAR - (meredith your 5 years motivated)

[Underdog]

Wow, I disappear for a few days and come back to a terrific discussion and lots of growth. Go you guys!

Pam--Color me not surprised. Didn't I tell you there were tons of hidden gifts in letting go? Who knows where your road will take you. Just keep on heading down your own path and you'll get those answers when you are ready for them.

Wow, Cagz, your FIL's story greatly resembles my own. My XH hasn't come right out and said he would "take me back" but he tells me occasionally that his choice to leave was crappy and he wished he could take the outcome back. Several years ago, it would have sent me into tears of mourning, but now I realize that the choice has ALWAYS been his, he didn't have to take that route, and all the suffering he has endured has been because he did make those choices. Instead of telling him, "I told you so" I offer him compassion. He responds well, and because I act like a friend, I have a friend. That's where we are, and because of his depressive state, I don't wish to be married to that anymore. Being friends and co-parents is good enough for me.

Kissack, I love what Pam wrote you. She's spot on. I just want to add that this is a process... you just don't wake up one day and say, "My heart is actually okay!" It happens gradually--when you agree to let go and let God. Let God do His job and you take care of you. When you really and truly follow that path, you will reap the rewards. It may not bring your H back--after all, he has free will too--but it will definitely give you peace of mind and the divine gift of knowing that you have all you really need in life. Maybe not all you want, but you let God take care of filling those needs, okay?

Life is a tapestry, woven with threads of experience that are designed to continue completing the masterpiece. For many of us here, our tapestries have been destroyed by someone or something out of our control. We can stand there and ask ourselves, "Why did this happen to me? How could God let this happen?" Or we can look at the destroyed piece and say to ourselves, "Okay, looks like I'm going to have to ask for God's help in creating a new one." While it's tempting to stand there and wonder how it could have happened to us, it's a far better course of action to take action. Stop giving into the temptation of living inside our heads. (My worst trap)

Pam knows this because I've told her this one... every once in awhile, I have emotions pour through me that compel me to share them with Mr. Wonderful. Usually, it's when we're all together as a family and really enjoying ourselves. We're having a glass of wine and are really happy... and I tell him, "Thank you for the gift." He now just kind of smiles at me, but in the beginning he'd give me a look that said, "WTF?" I'd tell him, "Without you, none of my happiness would be possible. Because you had the courage to do something, I had to change... and I will always be grateful to you for the lesson I had to learn. I'm sorry we all paid such a high price. But I appreciate it nonetheless."

I'm sincere about that message, folks. But I've had a lot of time to learn this stuff, and I've prayed hard that I would truly be at the point where I have forgiven myself as well as him for all the pain we endured through the process. I knew I had to do it for all of us, but it was overwhelming to see such a large elephant in my living room. I had my mother reminding me that it will get eaten one bite at a time. So commit to taking a bite. Once you finish chewing and swallowing and are ready, you'll take another. And another. Pretty soon, you're going to see some results.

There are tons of people who want to learn the lesson too. They make a point of getting everything positive out of a painful experience. It might not have been our choice to take the course, but if we can make the most out of this class, we've done everything we were asked to do. And then some!

Try not to dwell on the pain your children feel. Instead, commit to helping them grow from it. This experience will make them stronger as well--they will be able to discern between trustworthy and committed from the opposite. They will be able to trust themselves... and more importantly, the behavior we model will be the lesson plan for them in their future. This is the kind of stuff where character is revealed and developed. So give them the best chance at learning from this too, and you will all win.

This isn't to say that everyone is going to be able to get close to their former spouse. Pam and I just have XHs who are wayyyyy too similar (we say they are long lost brothers) and who haven't figured out what they want or how they will get there. We both got lost in that mix, with men who didn't want what they had, didn't want to admit that their decisions were awful and didn't want our help in climbing out of the rubble. That would mean they lost. It would also mean that they would have to commit to their own healing to let us back in.

Cagz, some day your H will get to this point. I wasn't sure that Mr. W. would, but he did. The first signs he exhibited were ones that had to do with our girls--experiences he's missing by not being in our home on a daily basis. He fully realizes now--and absolutely detests it--that he's not fully present to see them grow. Our D14 was nearly 9 when he left and D11 was about to turn 6. (She was in kindergarten.) They have blossomed into beautiful young women, and he's missed out on the most important 5 years of their lives. While he's always been here for us and them, there's something to be said for having family moments, ya know? I'm the one who gets them, because I have them most of the time. I'm happy I have them. But the flip side is that when it comes to exhibiting compassion for him, I'm the only one who can muster it. D14 doesn't feel sorry for him at all. D11 is developmentally disabled and is a forgiving person anyway. So again, I've been called to be the bigger person by helping HIM heal. Ironic, isn't it?

In the end, we all get what we need. It undoubtedly does not mirror what anyone of us wanted, but as I've said before, we were dealt this hand and it's up to us to play it out. You are ALL DOING A GREAT JOB! Keep at it, and keep your eye to the future and envision the future that you want. You know what tasks will be necessary to make that vision come to reality. So commit to that. I swear you're going to all be here in 5 years telling some poor newcomer that they will be happy again. It may be a different kind of happy than you originally wanted, but God will give you the gift you need when you are ready to accept it.

I swear by this, folks. I honestly do.

Oookay, time to get back to work. Mr. W. sprung a surprise on me Friday afternoon about business travel this week. (A surprise to him as well.) I'm running around like a chicken with her head cut off--trying to shuttle the girls everywhere, deal with D11, who's sitter found a full time job and trying to be 3 places at once. I need one of those time travel clocks like Hermione had in Harry Potter. He's heading to CA next week as well. I should probably resign myself to being insane for a few more weeks.

Take care and hope all of you have a peaceful week. Hugs!

Betsey