They're Going Out of Town this Weekend

[saffie]

I would put money on their class mates knowing and not wanting to get involved - don't expect support from there. Their classmates' embarrassment will make them just ignore it all.

I think your eldest son's condemnation of his mother would have more clout if you are willing to give him that information. My kids were 15, 13 11 and 8 when they found out. I don't know if it is right to lay that burdern on their shoulders; I was just so shocked that I didn't think about keeping my voice down, I say now with great shame. However it did resolve things.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Dan,

Exposure is controversial (at least on this board), even though many books have been written on the subject and tens of thousands of marriages have been saved by it. Personally, I'm a big believer, and it worked for me. Your wife WILL be livid, and short-term, it may get WORSE before it gets better.

Oh, and you also have no GUARANTEE that it WILL get better.

But allowing her to continue, in front of your kids, and emasculate you and possibly squander marital assets . . . how long can that be healthy?

I let my adult daughters know, and my parents/siblings and my in-law parents/siblings, and OM's parents. My S14 I told in an age-appropriate way that "Mommy has a boyfriend, and it's not right that married people have boyfriends and girlfriends, and I've told her that it has to stop, and she refuses, so that makes Daddy angry, and we're working on it." Eleven is probably too young for even that, altho some disagree.

Confrontation and exposure in and of itself won't SOLVE, anything. You still have to DB, and GAL and do all of the other things to make you the more attractive option and to get your own head right. But WITHOUT ending the affair, your wife won't even be open to receiving you, as she becomes more and more addicted to the affair.

Puppy

[danthelion]

Thanks for the tips on setting boundaries as well. I put my foot down about her receiving calls from him at home. One time in the dining room, she picked up the phone and it was him. I gave her a stern look and said, "Do not disrespect this household by taking that call." She said he was only asking about their assignment. She tried taking the call outside but I told her to hang up. I then looked up his number and texted him, "Leave my wife and family alone." I don't know if she knew I did this but she apologized the next morning.

As for the marital bed, there's a kink in our living arrangement. We don't own our home but live in one of the houses that my father-in-law owns. Plus her sister and her family live with us (it's a 7 bedroom house) on the weekdays and they go home on the weekends (they live far from where they work). My father-in-law has a room here as well and spends a lot of time here.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Dan,

There's a reason it's called "the marital bed" and not "the bed that legally belongs to you, property-wise."

It's sacred. She violated it; you didn't. DON'T LEAVE IT. If she wants to, she can.

Great job on the cellphone boundary!!!!

Puppy

[danthelion]

You shouldn't be doing anything that compromises yourself. Giving up the bed is a great example. You shouldn't sacrifice just because she is the cheater. Also, how is she going out of town this weekend? Is she using marital money? You should be refusing to pay for ANYTHING that is enabling the affair.

Thanks for the tip. I will have to find this out from her later when she gets home.

[danthelion]

I would put money on their class mates knowing and not wanting to get involved - don't expect support from there. Their classmates' embarrassment will make them just ignore it all.

I think your eldest son's condemnation of his mother would have more clout if you are willing to give him that information. My kids were 15, 13 11 and 8 when they found out. I don't know if it is right to lay that burdern on their shoulders; I was just so shocked that I didn't think about keeping my voice down, I say now with great shame. However it did resolve things.

Well, they've gotten really close to each other and have been going out to bars on weekends (remember my wife is acting single right now).* But you're right, if they're part of that lifestyle, they probably won't care, and won't "judge" her.

*They still maintain their affair secret to their classmates even though they go to the same social events.

[danthelion]

Dan,

Exposure is controversial (at least on this board), even though many books have been written on the subject and tens of thousands of marriages have been saved by it. Personally, I'm a big believer, and it worked for me. Your wife WILL be livid, and short-term, it may get WORSE before it gets better.

Oh, and you also have no GUARANTEE that it WILL get better.

But allowing her to continue, in front of your kids, and emasculate you and possibly squander marital assets . . . how long can that be healthy?

I let my adult daughters know, and my parents/siblings and my in-law parents/siblings, and OM's parents. My S14 I told in an age-appropriate way that "Mommy has a boyfriend, and it's not right that married people have boyfriends and girlfriends, and I've told her that it has to stop, and she refuses, so that makes Daddy angry, and we're working on it." Eleven is probably too young for even that, altho some disagree.

Confrontation and exposure in and of itself won't SOLVE, anything. You still have to DB, and GAL and do all of the other things to make you the more attractive option and to get your own head right. But WITHOUT ending the affair, your wife won't even be open to receiving you, as she becomes more and more addicted to the affair.

Puppy

Yeah, it'll be tough telling the kids. I want to shield them from all of that right now. But your excellent method of telling your S14 will come in handy someday.

[Hope4us]

I think you may be missing the prime exposure candidate, if you choose to go that route, and it's the girlfriend of the OM. If he's involved with someone and is messing around on her and your wife has said he just wants to be friends since you know it means he's WORRIED his GF will find out. There is your best chance to break up the affair.

Again, it may backfire, but if he has a GF, he's probably just involved with your wife because he CAN. Just be prepared for the backlash and possible damage it may do to what is left of your marriage.

Again, just my opinion and don't do it because I (or anyone else here) says, you need to make the decision for yourself.

and I agree about the martial bed. My wife chose to move to the couch and if she had asked me there would have been NO WAY I would have. If she doesn't want to sleep in bed with you then it's sofa city for her.

[danthelion]

I think you may be missing the prime exposure candidate, if you choose to go that route, and it's the girlfriend of the OM. If he's involved with someone and is messing around on her and your wife has said he just wants to be friends since you know it means he's WORRIED his GF will find out. There is your best chance to break up the affair.

Again, it may backfire, but if he has a GF, he's probably just involved with your wife because he CAN. Just be prepared for the backlash and possible damage it may do to what is left of your marriage.

Again, just my opinion and don't do it because I (or anyone else here) says, you need to make the decision for yourself.

and I agree about the martial bed. My wife chose to move to the couch and if she had asked me there would have been NO WAY I would have. If she doesn't want to sleep in bed with you then it's sofa city for her.

I thought about that. But I don't have the means of getting the GF's number.

As for the marital bed, my wife is willing to sleep in the same bed with me. It's just tough sleeping in the same bed with her knowing she may have been intimate with someone else just hours earlier. But you guys are right, I shouldn't give up the marital bed.

[Hope4us]

Do you know their address? Send her a certified letter that only she can sign for. Return receipt requested so you know if she got it or not. This is what I did because the OMW in my case lives 1000 miles away and only has a cell phone that I couldn't find the # for.

She got the letter and called me that night.

If you go that route, stick to the facts. Include just enough info to show her there is a problem. If you have more, tell her you can provide it if she wants to know more. Tell her you want help in saving your marriage and that can't happen with her BF in the middle of your marriage. Nothing more. Then give her a number she can reach you at IF she wants to talk. What ever you do, don't let your wife know you're going to do this. She will tell OM and he'll spin it to GF that you're a crazy jealous H to his "study" partner. Even if he convinces GF you're crazy, he'll distance himself from your wife if he values her. And really, what single guy would want a married woman with 3 kids when he already has a GF with none of the "attachments".

If you do this and GF calls you, keep it at arms length. I talked to OMW too much (she became dependent on me by her own admission) and she made contact with my WW a couple times without my knowing in advance and it probably delayed our possible reconcilation by a month.

Oh, and one more thing. don't expect exposure to be the magic bullet. What it will do is shine the light of day on the affair and make the affairees face "real" life, not the fantasy life they have now. What do you think their conversations will be like after exposure to the GF? I guarantee they won't be the fun, carefree conversations they're having now. And that's when the affair falls apart, when the real world get's involved.