A long time without writing, but things have been very good. After the ILYBINILWY speech in August, H and I worked our way back to each other with a lot of soul-searching on my part. H and I have been doing so well, and I am very happy. HOWEVER That is not to say that there have been no challenges, but surprisingly (at least for me) I have found that most of them are about me in the piecing phase rather than H. I thought that I would write down some of my key challenges to motivate me to work more on being aware of them and to help other going through the same.
Challenge 1: Anger
You will feel angry a lot, and that will be an obstacle to reconnecting. You will be angry for what they said and did during the crisis time, and it will bubble up at the most unfortunate times. There is no magic bullet, but it really helps me to focus back on some of the things I did to cause the crisis and how angry my spouse must have felt at those times. If he can move on and try again, then I should too.
Challenge 2: The Apology
We are longing to hear an apology, and we may never hear it. Don't get hung up on it because a) it may never be forthcoming and/or b) it may not be the grand "I was such a fool" moment you imagined. In fact, I know that most WASs do feel bad about hurting you, but many don't feel bad about walking away b/c they were hurting and felt as if it was the last resort. I think the return to the marriage and the renewed ILYs are an implicit apology anyway.
Challenge 3: Mistrust
If there was another person involved, even just a friend as in my H's case, you will feel betrayed and mistrustful. However, mistrust is your worst enemy b/c it makes you focus on the non-issue instead of the real issue, it blocks real intimacy, and it makes you whiny and clingy. All in all, it is the most dangerous dead-end street in piecing although that has not stopped me from detouring there a few times. No easy advice here. We just have to get over it (pray, divert thoughts, etc...) because no amount of hypervigilance will keep something from happening. A good solid marriage with honesty and communication on both sides will.
Challenge 4: Excess Emotion
In my case, I have become very excessive in my emotions, with a need to be extra loving and loved, both verbally and physically. While this is normal for a person who has lost love, it can probably be scary to the other spouse, who may see it as excessive. You can't make up for all of the lost ML or ILY, and you can't prove to yourself that he or she loves you by having sex or hearing ILY. If you see those things in this way, it's like a drug. As soon as you pass a couple of days without ML or a few times w/ no ILY, the doubts creep back. Don't make your love dependent on these proofs, as it has had me stuck in the land of analyzing every move and gesture instead of living the moment.
The best advice is to as much as you can let it be. Let the relationship grow, let the feelings show, and let things be the way you want them by living them that way instead of trying to force them to be that way.
