I am on my way home and H calls and says he is leaving our house. He needs to take care of his car. He will not wait for me.
This morning I had an difficult moment with my boy. We were talking while I was getting ready to go to work and he asked who was going to be with him today since he had no school. I told him "your dad is coming, he 'll stay and you can play, eat go out together". He immediately started jumping up & down yelling "he told you? he told you he is coming back? I knew it!!!". He was so excited and happy. I had to really try and stay calm and said " no, he is coming over for the day whiile I'll be at work, he told you so yestreday, remember? he is not coming back"... You should have seen his face.
Later on the phone my H says he is on his way and I tell him the "little" incident. He reply was "I think I am having car troubles..." So I said bye and hung up.
I come home and my son is sweating (like if he was in despair) and very mad. Mad at me, mad at his sister, at the babysitter... He screams and tells me he wants to be left alone...
So, I call my H and tell him that we need to talk about the kids and especially about our son. This is the dialogue:
H-what about M-our son is having problems with the situation H-what do you mean M-right now the situation is as follows.... H-really? M-yes really and on Sat after the zoo, when I went with them at the party he was very upset, was standing all alone, was mad at the other kids etc. ect H-Really? M-Yes really. And I know I never tell you these things but now you need to know. I am having difficulties dealing with this and you need to know the truth. It's not about me or us, it's about our kids, we have to find a way to calm him down H- yes, I know he is not well, I've noticed that as well M- I thought their T told you as she told me we need to have a discussion and tell them this it, this is the situation, it's not gonna change H-.............................. M- Well, I thought you should know H..................... M-Did you read my mail? H- (sad, sad voice) Yes I did M- Ok, fine then, goodnight
I know I probably should have kept my mouth shut but I am furious. My boy is not handling this well. And it's worse since our R has improved. He believes its a matter of days and the disappointment is huge for him. Last time he told his T that daddy is mo re handsome now, mommy darkened her hair and they are nice to each other, pretty soon we'll be family again..." Kids sense everything...
I could tell my H was feeling very bad. This is the first time since my 180, LTR, that I bring the kids in the picture in this way. Mostly because I knew him feeling guilty wouldn't help his confusion. But I had enough. I am not sharing with you guys very often the little similar incidents I face everyday, but believe me, there are times when I am very sad ONLY because of my kids. I am ok and I'll be happy again but for them there is no substitute, no replacement, no easy way to deal with this. We had chosen to be together every minute of our free time (not much). The 4 of us, we were a team, friends, FAMILY. We even had a ritual and used to say to them that as long as we are all together there is nothing to be afraid of. Where does that leave my kids now? Stupid me, stupid H, what a mess f&%K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so sorry to hear about your son. That is so sad, I think if I was in your position it would really tear me up inside. I think you are VERY strong to tell your son what is going on the way you did instead of letting him think that it meant his dad was coming home right now instead of just coming over for the day.
I think the conversation you had with your H was fine. You weren't being manipulative or pushy or pressuring, you were just saying, our kids are having problems and I want to talk about it with you. The only thing I would do differently, and maybe you already did this, is to only bring up that kind of topic after giving yourself a time-out and time to cool down and a waiting period to decide whether or not to bring it up, instead of making a decision based on emotions. You know what I'm sayin?
As for H's sad, sad voice, he could be sad-sad because -he is still confused -he knows he is being a jerk -he wants to be there with you but he "cannot" because he is still working through his stuff, or hasn't started yet -it hurts him that his son is hurting so bad and he wants to be there for you but he can't until he has healed himself -etc -etc -etc
You are a STRONG LADY Kalni. ((KALNI)) I am giving you some STRONG hugs. Hug the computer monitor!!
Kalni, dear! Sorry that your S is hurting so badly... There is nothing unusual nor unexpected about the ".............." line, but it hurts!
What can I say. Just ((((((((hugs)))))))))). Loads of them!
Last edited by stella_k; 03/19/0806:35 PM.
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
kalni, I am also very sorry about your son. I wish i could tell you something to make his pain and yours go away but I am not that smart. This is pretty much my worst nightmare and it may happen to me sooner than later. Hang in there....try to change the atmosphere in your home. Take your kids out for an ice cream.... &?%$en SELFISH is all I can say about WASs!
I too am sorry about your challange. I don't think you did anything wrong. You did want you felt you had to do in the situation. My only advice would be to have your H and you sit down with your son and listen to his concerns. Let him tell you how he feels. Then make sure you and your H clearly explain what's going on with your R in terms he can understand. Don't sugar coat it, but be clear and positive. Talk about how you and H need to be happy and want him to be happy. You still love and cherish him.
I can see why your son is upset. Time is so much different for kids, you know? He can see things get better, and can't see why your H isn't home! I wish I knew a solution, since we know it won't do any good for H to come home until the time is right. I think you were right to tell H about the situation, maybe he can at least consider that when he is with your son. All I can say for now is to make sure your kids know they are loved, and continue to be your compassionate self!
Thank you guys, you are really great support. I am calmer now although my fingers are itching to call him back and continue where we left it. But I will not. Wasted energy and wasted grey cells (agatha christie's phrase for those not familiar with it).
I just realised something that bothers me A LOT. Me and my H have never talked about what is going on since the day he actually left. Nothing, not a word. He talks to my friends, to my T, to their T, nothing to me.
I am on hold by choice, he is just stalling...
We have talked to my son, not together since the day he left when we told them what the T had suggested, "we will always love you, we loved each other very much when we made you, we love each other still but not as H & W and we can't live together, etc. etc.".
But I see now that the warmer our interactions are (mostly on the phone) the more anticipation we create to him (& her probably). The more they see him off schedule the more they miss him.
I called my T and told her the whole story. She said we need to sit down me & H, her and the kids T to figure out how to make it easier for them. ASAP. But I'll go tomorrow and discuss in detail with her.
