H is having affair after all

[seekpeaceofmind]

Evie - my first reaction was "bad C"; my second was that maybe she was trying to help you explore & test your own motives for DB. I'm glad that she said she couldn't figure out what is going on w/ your H w/o him there - until he opens up all you can deal with is his behaviors. I have had C sessions where I left feeling down - other times I have felt understood, challenged, or validated. At this point, you can only be guided by your own instincts about the people/resources that resonate with you and help you to feel supported and see more clearly. My opinion. . .

In my heart i have hope in my head i don't.

I was reading about this in the past week (John Gray in "Mars & Venus Starting Over"), and it is normal for your "head" to be moving faster than your "heart". He calls it "emotional lag time" and says that it is normal and healthy for feelings to lag behind the mind in the healing process.

should I ask him outright if he thinks I should get myself tested and add another implication for him to think about?

I would not ask him this question. It's an understandable concern - I would simply see my doctor. Maybe later - if you are headed into healing and reconciliation then you can discuss this concern with H, but I see nothing positive to be gained from it now.

I think that the bottom line right now is that you don't have to DO anything. You are separated. You have asked H for space and time to think and heal and figure out where you are in all this. He's not rushing to D. Neither are you. No decisions are required at the moment.

[karen43]

The gossip has died down now, however i have no one to talk to as tehy all suggest the D route, i don't know of anyone who has survived an affair.

xxx Evie XX

I think some people just don't talk about the affairs b/c it's painful or embarrassing or whatever. I know my brother had an affair, moved out, but he and his wife reconciled and that was 4 or 5 years ago. After I told my sil about H's affair, she told me her partner had also had an affair, but with counseling they have reconciled as well. Karen

[saffie]

Evie,

I survived an A. Sara survived an A, Brandnewday on the MLC boads survived an A, Yellowrose on the MLC boards survived an A, Rob on infidelity has survived an A. I can tell you for certain I know one person very close to you geographically, ( you know who I mean), who has survived marital infidelity.

Listen to your heart, not to those around you with strong opinions. What you feel inside is what's important - you will know when to call it a a day.

[Evie]

Thanks everyone, saffie i'll check out the post of the others.

The person close to me was it him or her?

Karen - thank you for that, i'll check out your post to, hope you are ok?

Seek - thanks, that book might be a good read for me. I know H isn't rushing D, I don't think he could. I have just spoken to my SIL, she has spoken to our bil this week and apparently H has spoken to his dad more times in the last 2 weeks than in the last 10 years. Doesn't that sound like a troubled or confused person?

Thank you all for calming me down, to take stock and sit still. For now.

xxxx

[saffie]

It was her H

[25yearsmlc]

Eva,'

Definitely get tested asap. But as others said, what's the point in asking him to do so? Business wise, He DOES seem fearful about business matters and what decisions YOU will be making, as if you'd make them unilaterally, and in 3 days, etc.

What's HIS rush about that? He may want out and just wants you to pull the plug so he can blame you, or not. You may never know the answer to that. HE may not. Hmmm, so how much time should we all spend wondering.....???? How about, NONE?!? Let go of that which we cannot control, and that's letting go of a lot. Turn it over to God, or your Higher Power or whatever your name is, for the Source of real love in this world.

Frankly, the pain and angst so infected my life, and then the anger came and so consumed ME and MY life, I had to let go of it. Otherwise, There'd be no room left inside for love and laughter and growth and my children, etc. while I was so consumed by my pain. And H was focussed on his fellowship for at least most of it, partly b/c the hours he worked sucked. So he was way behind me in the whole process. When he BEGAN to "wake up" and notice he was 3000 miles away from his family and was financially strapped, he began calling A LOT. He confessed he was "depressed" and repeatedly asked me when I would visit him. Long story.

Point is who knows what HE was feeling? I had no control over it, but I knew I felt like crap. And THAT is all I could do anything about. How I felt/feel.

I won't bash your c. Yes, get a new one. But she didn't meet your h so it is hard for her to know MLC/ etc. since she only hears info through your perspective and it's biased and filled with pain. What else can she say? She only knows he left a while ago, has lied, is having an A and says there's no hope....

She thinks she's doing the right thing by preparing you for life on your own without h.

But when I went to file for a D, my Lawyer said "why not file just for a sep, since I think you still love the guy and there's chance for you?" THAT'S A GOOD LAWYER.
Something inside me wanted to "cover my bases" and know that I'd done all I could to save the M, without losing myself.

When I met the pro-M male c he said, "You ARE being badly treated by your h, no mistaking that. But you're here b/c you want to see if your M can survive. So, ask if you want to be "right", or you want to be happy."

It's not about being a doormat. Just ask yourself when you want to say or do something, whether it's coming from the desire to "teach him a lesson", which we sometimes do b/c we FEAR that if we don't punish, they'll repeat the "bad" behavior. Thing is, when did "punishing" or lashing out ever bring you closer?

Or is it the desire to hurt him? To scare him? To guilt him? OR is whatever you're about to do/say, coming from a good place within, AND WILL IT BRING YOU CLOSER TO YOUR GOAL.... You can have two compatible goals: One is, saving the M. The other is, how can you best behave with dignity and grace so that down the road, your children will know what it looks like, and your h will never be able to "prove" that he was "right".

And, as with my cousin, as a few years passed, he stayed in touch with his ex b/c of the child they had. They sort of became friends, and then got in touch more often at family events, and b/c neither of them had gone too far in their D process in terms of being really dirty and horrible to each other, it was much easier to reconcile later. Dignity and grace are not easy, and that's why we notice and admire those traits so much. They had fewer scars perhaps. They've been re-united now for 12 years and the 2nd time around IS better.

ALWAYS ask whether your words/actions are going to help you reach the goals.
Forgive yourself when you slip, and pick yourself up and start over. No apologies needed at this point. Don't sweat the small stuff and that includes him being late wihtout calling, or forgetting something mildly inconvenient. Don't read selfishness into everything even though he IS being self absorbed. You telling him that will NOT convince him of anything being wrong with him. On the contrary.

Ask the others this: Why does Ev's DB behavior have to change, based on the A? Does it? I KNOW it sucks and is unfair and we're all here supporting you and sending hugs, etc. But aside from YOU healing, IF you still want the M or the chance to at least give it some more time, why not keep DBing, with some adjustments to accomodate not having to see OW, or them together, etc.

Let HER inlaws and ex do the dirty stuff. You can empathize, but you have children who'll recall your behavior or will be told by your h. Rise above it.

I don't know the D laws in England, so perhaps you could check with a Solicitor or lawyer there to protect yourself. In my state, filing the sep prevented my h from mortgaging property we both owned, thank God. He was just wacky about wanting to "invest" in Alaska, and would have done so if I hadn't filed that. I've Unfiled now, but I'm still glad I stepped in and said, "Wait a bit, now that's not just your money and it affects OUR children, etc."

In sum, and this is just my humble opinion, all you HAVE to do right now, is see a doctor for tests. And I THINK you ought to see a lawyer there, to make sure you're protected by acting/inaction or what your options are, make sure bills are being paid, etc. Your h does NOT have to know this and why should he? Don't throw it out as a weapon b/c it won't help you at all. If he has seen one, and he probably has since he is acting paranoid/guilty, etc. he may well know how few rights he has, IF that's the case. Seeing a doctor and a lawyer/solicitor is just You being a good mom to check out your legal & financial "health" as well as your physical health. Seeing the pro-M c will help you down the road to wherever this leads, as will we.
Good luck,

((( j )))

[Evie]

Thanks 25 yrs for your words of support and comfort. I agree that I should continue to DB, i just don't want him thinking he has been forgiven.

H and S1 left on Thursday for their weeks ski trip. I went to wave them off, it was better than i thought because the coaches had boarded and were ready to leave, s1 and a couple of close colleagues got off the coach to hug me and say goodbye. Ow was been collected from a service station on the motorway. Within 20 mins of the coach departing i had a text from H, asking a random question - he is so predictable, i could have bet he would text.

I have cancencelled my next c appointment and will make the appointment next week for a health check.

I have been reading alot on the MLC board. I can associate H with most of the 6 stages, he seems to be angry now, but he also seemed angry last May around the time of the bomb. He seems to have had replay and depression i think may have been around christmas, you may remember the 2 days worth of pity party texts i received from him over the xmas and new year period. As to the 5th stage 'withdrawel' i think that came first and this has been the longest stage. His stages seemed to have been a bit jumbled, do they run succintly? He hasn't got to the 'acceptance' stage though.

I read this last night and thought it aptly applied to my sitch:

'Because the justification for their affair is weak they usually refuse to discuss with close friends or loved ones who may attempt to change their minds. They withdraw from this circle and develop support from one's only known for a short time. This support doesn't know their life story so have no choice but to support and encourage their decisions'.

ALso through reading I have reached the decision that i was 'his mom' - not a nice thought- but so true, thinking back now, i have made more of the decisions and taken more of the responsibilty and also given unconditionally to the point that the 'taker ' in me was run rough shod over.

What has happened will now force H to start 'thinking' for himself, as you have all said to me before i can't control him or help him, he needs to work things out for himself. This unplanned 'darkness' will give him the time to do that without the pressure of me in the forefront. I shall continue to DB, for me, because the light hasn't gone out yet, as the advice says, it will be the hardest thing i have ever had to do, but now i get to lovingly distance properly, but in the knowledge that ow is/was there. I will continue to have hope, but i have the benefit now of knowing what i know.

I plan to have the best summer ever, i feel i want to reinvent myself a little. Already done the highlights, already GAL, have taken up yoga and i've lost some weight the last couple of weeks. Next is a a new image.

i'm not planning to make any major decisions regarding the house and business, i'm not making that decision for H. However, i do need to set new boundaries. For example i realise that H's spending maybe part of the MLC, i put it down to him living beyound his means at first, then i thought he was selfish, now i know its part of the cycle i need to have some protection. However, the busines unfortunately is all in his name. If I go to the solicitor it will get the ball rolling and i don't want that. It's a small business, we have a direct debit into a joint account for bills only, it also pays the running of the cars, petrol, staff's wages and the business overheads, so as long as that remains the same i'll be happy with that for now, and I think H will too, he pointed out that if i wipe the account clean, the bank will come after the house. I just need to stop him spending on the business if he feels he wants something which is unrelated to the business.

I must admit my heart has gone out of the business, i practically run it, H has hardly any input at all and while i've been putting in upwards of 7-10 hours a week, h has been off having his fun and freedom, while i've slaved a way to keep the business going so he can afford his good life.

I know i will have bad days and lonely days, i know i will.

Thank you for listening.

Happy Easter

Love Evie.
xxx

[Jen_Jam]

WARNING _ TOTALLY NON-DB POST COMING UP!!!

Ow was been collected from a service station on the motorway.

Well that's appropriate - the stuff they sell in those service stations is true cr4p.

hee hee... sorry, I couldn't resist this, hope you don't mind.

[saffie]

Well that's appropriate - the stuff they sell in those service stations is true cr4p.

Just love it................. the things there are always so tacky and cheap............can't even give it away half the time!!!!!

[Evie]

LIKE IT GIRLS. At the end of the day though, whose feelings was he trying to save, his or hers? defo wasn't mine.....LOL

Jen - hope you treated yourself to some chocolate today????