I'm back from my travels and getting caught up with you. All I can do here is echo Z's advice. You are trying too hard to please her/read her mind, etc. I've been there, done that, and it doesn't get you anywhere except frustration and anxiety. Z is absolutely right--you can't know what's in her mind. Believing is seeing. We believe something, then we look for evidence to confirm it. Look at your reaction to the reservation. Step outside yourself and ask, "Why did I respond that way?" Do this in life generally, not just regarding your wife. I never used to do this, but I am trying to get in the habit, and it makes life better in so many ways. It can still be painful, but that too is better than being on autopilot.
As for your wife, who knows what she is up to. You cannot control her. If your M is over, it's over. No one can force her to stay married to you. At the same time, remember that a decision is not a decision until we take action. Talk is just that. I wouldn't ignore talk but if your W is in MLC she may be saying a lot of contradictory things that in her mind make perfect sense at the time she says them. Give up trying to predict the future. We humans are very bad at that. I've started reading Stumbling on Happiness, and so far I love it. It applies to many situations in life, but it clearly helps me deal with the roller coaster I'm on. We try to predict/control the future, but most times we will be wrong.
Take care. I hope your appointment today was/is helpful.
Welcome back man! Thanks for the note. I am having a bad day today, the first one in a while. I think it is mostly because of my reaction to the reservation and my confronting her. Also because she didn't come home until 11PM last night when she said she would be home at 8:30. I really feel like I am losing her now but mostly because of my actions.
I realize I can not control her, I know I am trying to hard but all I want to do is straighten this thing out and get it back on track. It is laso very hard to be in the same house.
Psyc appointment went well. He thinks she is Manic Depressed and told me not to believe a word that comes out of her mouth. Don't ask questions because you will only get very hurtful answers. He also said I was the lightning rod for all her anger and issues and not to accept that.
Wow, your psych. pegged my situation exactly! We are in similar spots in many ways, so all I can say at this moment is I feel for you. I was in a down spot a couple weeks ago, but fortunately it passed after a few days. We never know when these down days will come, and we don't know how long they last. But, my experience is that they do pass, or at least get better, if I am busy with other activities and remind myself that I, and only I, am responsible for my own happiness each day. It doesn't depend on W, kids, boss, etc. It depends on me.
Keep posting; it helps to vent on these boards, even if the answers aren't clear. Sometimes we need to just sit with the hurt, and not look to run from it. Face it, feel it, even welcome it as a way to understand ourselves and life in general. I keep trying to ask myself "What is the lesson(s) I should be learning from this?" The answers aren't always clear, but I've been separated for several months now and really tried to work on myself, and I take great pride (though not in an arrogant way) about how far I've come. No one can take that away from me, no matter what happens with W.
Try reading Pema Chodron. She's really insightful about dealing with the pain of life rather than running from it. And keep asking yourself what you need to learn to grow as a person. And hang in there. This is damn hard.
Sorry to hear that Tree, its really a big blow to hear someone you love saying things like that. Many people will tell you this, but its not about you, she isn't doing this for any reasons but her own.
And the world is a strange place, try and keep the PMA and GAL going, you never know, things may change for the better *8)
Wishing you peace Brad
Me: 35 W: 34 S8 & S5 M: 11 IDLY: 08/2007
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" - Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about dancing in the rain!"
All I can say is that I'm so sorry to hear this news. It's a heartwrenching blow, no doubt about it. Keep us updated on how you are doing. You have to let her go and find a way to carry on toward a new life for yourself. The road will be long and hard, but you can do it.
remember tree its still not finalised only filed. i dont know what state you live in but there still time to keep GAL and let her notice. you only give up when you want to. by GAL you let here see your cahnges. if by the time ther D is finalised she still hasent come around then your already on a path of healing. and tree is she wants to start dateing then mabey she already has someone in the wings, i dont know. but most of these " rebound flings" are not permenent in the least. the grass is not greener.
I am sure she has someone in the wings but I don't feel like I can wait around and get sloppy seconds. I know they don't last long but I know for sure she wants out and I don't feel like she is coming back. Our marrage has been bad for a while, my fault, and she is holding a tight line. It was not just one event that drove her to this point. Maybe it is time for me to move on.
I feel the worst I have felt since the bomb but maybe there is only up from here. She is in a deep fog and just wants me out. She wants to experience other men. I'm not into that. Your thoughts?
i guess tree if the thought of another man being with your wife is the final straw of yours then yes you can let go. if and only if you feel that if she came back and was the wife she was when you were happy then hang on. realy you have nothing to loose by being open to a future. if something else does come along then fine dont hold back. but untill it does you always have a chance with your wife. the LRT is what I would recomend but5 i am NO expert.
