It's not "controlling," as only your wife can decide what she wants to do. You are merely laying out your OWN boundaries, and the conditions by which you are willing to remain in the marriage. It's completely up to her how she reacts to that, but then you need to let HER know that YOU will be making YOUR decisions based on what she decides.
That's not "controlling"; it's called "consequences for one's behavior."
Affairs thrive on secrecy; it is the "fuel" of the adultery. Remove the secrecy, and fight for your wife, IF that's what you feel your own integrity says to do.
It worked for me.
You also need to determine what other personal boundaries you are going to draw. For me, it was "no texting or phoning OM from our home or in front of the kids," for example. It may be "if you're going to be out past midnight, please don't bother coming home." When my wife came back late one night, I had all of the inside and outside lights turned off and the house alarm on (she could disarm it after entering). Message received.
