H is having affair after all

[Evie]

50, naughty, pole dancer, waxes lady bits and likes to tease...bring it on, i like character. I have my belly button pierced and a small tattoo, does this count as naughty?

Although i don't feel old, in fact i like this age and my friends and D's would tell you im hot and trendy, i do feel as i had settled for married life and a certain kind of frumpiness or lack of spontanity had overtaken me. It's kind of happened every time i've had a child.

I started to read the MLC board last night, i need to read and digest more. I've read 4 stages so far and have seen glimpses of him in all of them and you could be right about teh childhood issues. He is the one that should be in counselling!

The small kids do the easter bonnet parade. At home we do the egg hunt, i buy lots of little eggs to hide and then buy a big one for their prize at the end of the hunt.

I have my counselling session tonight.

X Evie xxxxx

[Evie]

Just got back from my counselling session. Apologies now if this is long and garbled, but i feel distraught and i'm crying as i write.

Basically, the counsellor was trying to tell me that there is no hope and that i'm in denial.

She said H has lied, deceived and manupulated me for nearly a year, longer if I take into consideration the length of time (4 yrs) that I think H has been distant and withdrawn. She said thats a long time and to long to try and pull back any kind of R.

I think she was shocked that I still want H after the way he has treated me, I said I wasn't sure that H knew what he wanted that H seemed still very much connected to me and wouldn't leave me alone. She thinks i have been the 'fixer' and maybe the decision maker and if i hadn't asked him to leave home last October he would still be here. SHe asked me if i had considered mediation as a way forward. I'm not ready for that yet b/c i feel that it will set the ball rolling to D. If D is what H wants then I want him to face that confrontation with me head on and ask for it, rather than me iniaite it. She asked me if i trusted him after the way he has lied and played games with me and what did i want. She asked if i thought he would consider counselling with her either to move forward together as a couple or as a way of understanding him and to help me move forward.

I feel as i'm going through the gamult of feelings for the third time now and i said to her i just cant let go yet. She said he has led me false hope for nearly a year and maybe there isn't any hope. I said if that was the case why hasn't he made a clean break, either last may, last september or 2 weeks ago? I have never asked him what he wants or what the future holds. Why? maybe i was scared of the answers, maybe i'm unsure that this is what H really wants, maybe he nneds time, i tend to think the latter.

The C said I have some tough decisions to make for me and alot of changes lie ahead. She said maybe its a little soon but i need to think on all she has said.

How do you know there isn't any hope left when evryone tells you there isn't? Its only you my friends on here that are telling me that there maybe other possibilities, MLC for instance.

I asked C why H was so angry with me and the girls all the time? I can't remember being satisfied by her answers.

Also you may remember from Sunday that I bumped into OW at work - AGAIN. Well a collegue has taken the matter to the Head's PA. H was obviously worried of further implications and or trouble b/c of her using the pool. However, my point is that H has now got into an email dialogue with the Head's PA. H seems to be opening up to her. Now i'm not sure if this b/c i have shut down commuinication with him and he's unsure of himself or other reasons, such as he may be trying to put his side of the story across or he may be trying to find out where he stands on a proffessional level. Alot of the communication seems to be about his conscience allowing ow to still be working at the school on the poolside in ANY capacity, h seemed to be justifying the reasons why she was still working, but my colleague tactfully pointed out to him that if he had any respect for my feelings or those of his colleagues that he should put a stop to her working there. H seemed to be fishing for how he was been percieved by my colleagues. The PA told him that all their energies were going into supporting me and that i'm dealing with it all with a brave face, dignity, amazing strength and poffesionalism (she is so good, as i said she is slowing drip feeding the info to try and make him see that this isn't about him and that it's all a consequence of his & her actions).

If the A is over as H claims, why is he still in txt communication with ow? In his emails to the PA he said he was unsure whether ow was still going on the ski trip as he hadn't spoken to her and 2 paragraphs later he said he was trying to see if the coach could pick her up from the motorway services. Then later in another email he had said he had had text communication from ow that she was going and she was to be collected from the services rather than depart from the school.

sorry for the length, i needed to talk, ill think of more later i'm sure.

x evie xxx

[Evie]

she also said H would have to make to many changes, he doesn't like responsibility and in his way he's telling me there is no hope.

[Sara]

Evie,

Get away from this counselor. She is far too negative. She has you on the path to divorce right away. I certainly would not send your H in to see her. Nothing you told us about that session asked anything about you or showed understanding of your feelings. She was just showing where to stand in line for a divorce. She does not seem to be a help to you at all. Saffie goes to a cognitive behavioral therapist and is very happy with the results. You should talk to her about finding another counselor.

[Jen_Jam]

Hi Eve - did you go to Relate? They were similarly negative with me. When H and I did go as a couple, they were pretty much useless.

Even if you didn't, this C is TELLING you what to do and think, not enabling you to come to your own conclusions. A good C will facilitate you understanding your feelings and they will never tell you what is right or wrong.

I used a C for my own issues, but for R councelling I found the DR book, these boards and my diary helped me far more, but I am more of a writer/reader than a talker.

I wouldn't see this C again .... she can see only the path to a D. That is one possible outcome for your situation and yes it may happen. It could have happened to me, but it didn't. A lot of things happened in my sitch which I didn't expect (like being unsure I wanted H back when he recomitted). The future is not set in stone.

[25yearsmlc]

Hey EVD,

you're getting good advice here. Find a pro-M counselor. I did. It was about the 4th one and H had disliked all the others b/c they said he was being selfish, making decisions like a single man, etc. Very painful although really, all true.

AFTER H left, I went to the pro-M counselor just to "cover my bases" if you know what I mean. He was great. He was a minister of some sort although I never got preached to. I DID ask him what the morally right thing to do was/is, and discussed MLC issues, basic selfish patterns, distinguishing which is which, etc. When to move on, when to keep hoping. H finally met with the pro-M and they hit it off! Of course, H was ready by then. It took a long time and even the c said to me, "if you stay M, do it for love and commitment, not fear of being alone." That stuck with me and I think it was when that actually happened (ie me not being afraid of being alone, and in fact, starting to see the positives of a new life, etc.) that H and I started finding each other again. No matter what happens in your sitch, you DO have to lose that fear in order to really love anyhow. Make sense?

It's never hopeless. Besides, I have two (2) relatives who actually divorced and then remarried their ex's. So it does happen. I'm a witness.

Meantime, keep on GAL my friend. And keep posting.
j-

[saffie]

Evie,

This counselor sounds really awful. I agree with Jen - generally relate are bad. Also C's attached to GP surgeries are pretty useless and not well qualified. Find a pro M solutions based C. As I have told you before I found a cognitive behavioural therapist very good. Do you want me to call my guy and ask him if he knows anyone in your area?

(((((HUGS)))))))

[Evie]

Jen, 25yes, Sara, Saffie - Thank you for your reassurances and positivities, you girls are my salvation at the moment. The gossip has died down now, however i have no one to talk to as tehy all suggest the D route, i don't know of anyone who has survived an affair.

Saffie - your help would be much appreciated, why didn't i think of asking you before?

The C had all the relevant qualifications i wanted, is a CBT and when i spoke on the phone to her and when i saw her i said to her that a reconciliation was what i hoped for and she said she could help. Last night I came away feeling low, she kept saying she sensed how strong i was and she asked me what was stopping me from moving on and I did say it was because i still loved him and was committed to him and D was not what I wanted, she just kept saying 'even after the way he has treated you?'

Last night I wanted answers as to why H was so angry with me and why she thought he couldn't let go and why he hadn't made a clean break? i suggested MLC and childhood issues but those suggestions were not explored further as she said without him there she didn't know! I don't want him in c with me and anyway he wouldn't go. She said she thought he was threatening D but just couldn't do that b/c he is so used to me making teh decisions. No it Jen it wasn't relate, didn't like them either, however i prefer to talk than to read, the written word doesn't stick that well.

Am i being niaive? In my heart i have hope in my head i don't.
25- I can live alone im not afraid of that i don't think, emotionally i have been on my own for years, physically 6 months, but i am finding it hard to accept that it is over. I can do the GAL and PMA, but i am in denial, i cannot believe what we had is over yet.

I hope that with no contact for now H will as you all suggested he might look more into himself for answers, however, maybe he is already clear in his own mind that it is over?

Also something else that came to mind - should i get my health tested out? i don't know if h practised safe sex and his affair would have overlapped with us ML or should I ask him outright if he thinks I should get myself tested and add another implication for him to think about?

Thanks girls, i love you all, thank you for reading and helping me.

xxx Evie XX

[saffie]

Evie,

y therapist's secretary and explained the requirements for a pro marriage solutions based therapist in your area. I will get back to you as soon as I hear something.

You hang in there girl - you may not feel like it but you are doing so well.

((((HUGS)))))))

[Jen_Jam]

Also something else that came to mind - should i get my health tested out? i don't know if h practised safe sex and his affair would have overlapped with us ML or should I ask him outright if he thinks I should get myself tested and add another implication for him to think about?

Get your health tested for YOU and YOUR peace of mind.

To ask H outright and try to give him something else to think about is in a way trying to control him, to push him along. He will go at his own pace. I thought in my sitch I could speed things along but I couldn't

Do it for yourself. If there are any bad results then you should of course speak to H, but my vote goes for not bedore.