new_attitude: Yoga ROCKS! As does anything to do with The Beatles!
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
I really really think you should get into counselling, ASAP. Especidally if you are feeling in a rut and you did say on your last thread, you were possibly even depressed.
I also think you should look at (before, or with a C) the "role" you each play. Your W has been shouting for years...for years you have either ignored it (?) or now, walked away.
What would she do if you stopped playing the role she expects or you have put yourself in...what if you stood there and cried? Show her how sad and beat you are by her unloving and anger? What if you shouted back at her? If this is the only language that she understands? Why not shout at her? What would she do?
You need to take responsibility for part of the stalemate. Every time I read your sitch, its the same old same old, nothing changes...but you have to look at how you may be colluding with her to make this the case. I think collusion is the right word. Look it up on Google, collusion in Rs...its about being stuck in roles for one another. So...if you are having trouble seeing the wood for the trees, go ring that EAP programme today!!
I hope this helps, you spend so much time thinking about and helping others here...you need to spend time helping yourself!? And the no exercise is (like me) making excuses. Its hard to break habits of a lifetime. But if you are in a rut and unhappy you have to do something. You could even just order some sort of exercise DVD and do that at home...you dont have to drive miles (I get the impression options are limited where you live!?). You could ask your W to join in, see what she says?
If you dont change, nothing ever changes...
Ali xxx PS: Sorry if I sound a bit harsh! I just really want to help. I sense you need a seismic shift. I have been doing alot of reading since yesterday about Venus-Pluto people (my BF). Its about destruction, annihiliation, death and rebirth. Like nuclear war. Then I look at your sitch and what you have had is a kind of slow painful death. You need to breathe life into it! I hope I dont speak out of turn, I want to say something useful..
Thinking of you with those test results still not in ((((Jeff))))
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I think C is a good idea, too. I started going a couple of months ago and was just about to quit because it just seemed to be more of a weekly b*tch session than therapy and I can b*tch to my friends. But the last two weeks have given me some small thoughtful breakthroughs that are about ME, not about US. She does help with US, but I need to work on me for a while because I'm always going to be around here.
I also agree that you need to find some 180s. Exercise is a good one, it makes you feel better if that's all. It's done wonders for me. As I said on my thread, I've always been small and petite and while I had gained a few pounds, it was really just a few pounds and not a big deal; I was still a slim person and didn't find the "need" to be healthier. However, now that I've dropped a fair amount of fat and flab and strengthen my body and heart, I'm loving it. I feel good just sitting in the car without the roll by the seat belt. When I run up the stairs and nothing giggles, it feels great. Now that I'm weightlifting and developing definition, I love the shape of my arms. When I can run with my kids and not get breathless, it's a small slice of heaven. I know it's affected me in other ways, too.
Just a thought.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
I'm with Ali. Honestly it took me a while for me to connect with my counselor and be able to start working as a team, but he has REALLY helped me once I stopped trying to control all the sessions, and pointed stuff out to me about myself that I NEVER would have been able to figure out by myself. I see how what I did in the R is not just R stuff but MY stuff, how I deal with everyone and everything, not just my man. It is SO helpful. ALSO, I know I get a lot of support on the BB, but every once in a while I get to talk to someone in person about it and it makes me feel so good. I think Live Help could really boost your PMA.
I was having similar thoughts to Ali's when I was laying in bed last night trying to fall asleep. If you would leave when W would yell, what if you tried something different, like:
- banging your fist on the table and saying, "you cannot talk to me this way! you are hurting my feelings!"
- yelling back at her and "letting it all out"
-Or writing her a note, saying, "When you yell, I feel _____. I really want to understand what you are going through but as soon as you start to yell it flips a switch in me and I can't listen anymore."
-Or even walk over, wrap your arms around her, and say, "Why are you so angry, my darling, my beloved, my beautiful W? Please let's sit down and talk about it, I want to know."
I think EVERY TIME your W communicates with you, she is giving you BIG CLUES about how to get through to her, even if she is just kvetching about you leaving the light on in the closet. She is dissatisfied and hurting too, even if the way she's talking to you about it, or not talking to you about it, SUCKS and hurts. It might seem on the surface that she's perfectly happy to be in a Frozen Marriage but underneath she is probably just as confused and sad about it as you are. When she yells, it is because she is hurting about something.
I REALLY recommend reading "anger" by thich nhat hahn. it is all about reconciliation under the most extreme impossible circumstances. It is about couples. The first chapter has a very beautiful story about a couple who could not stand each other and were able to reconcile. The "bad guy" (here the H of the couple) was just as relieved as the W to finally be understood, accepted, and loved.
Jeff, you have to believe that inside your W somewhere is a beautiful woman waiting to be understood, accepted, and loved. Even if she is nestled inside a bunch of russian dolls, or frozen under layers of ice, or buried deep in the sand. she's still in there.
Just stopping by and I thought I'd leave a super-hug in my wake after the 2x4s. I know you may be feeling tired and lethargic because of the haemachromatosis, so let's see what the diagnosis says and then make some decisions!
(((((((((((((((Jeff)))))))))))))))))
See how you've got women all over the world thinking of you?!!
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
(((((Friends))))) My, but you have given me a lot to think about! And I will try to give a proper response, as you have taken the time to visit!
Firstly, on the counselling... OK, I am a guy. Kind of stuck in my ways. Blah, Blah, Blah... But, I have run through the EAP site, as well as some other surfing, and it seems pretty likely that despite my protestations to the contrary, I have "symptoms" of something between mild and severe depression. I think I have a pretty good handle on the source, but that doesn't make it go away, does it?! So, I am sticking the EAP phone number in my cell so that I can call when I am not in the middle of cubicle city! Fair or not, I think this is still a case where people who don't need to know, don't need to know!
On a related subject, I am going to commit to getting a lot more exercise. I am going to ride one one of the bikes we already have for now, at least twice a week, and do some pushup and situp type things in the evening. And I will look into other options, too. I have to get my mind cleared, and I think that will help.
As far as my relationship with W goes, the more I think about it, the more I realize it has been disaster for a long time. Many years ago (either between the birth of S20 and S18, or soon after S18 was born) a college friend of W stayed in our house for a time. She remarked even then at how poorly W treated me. W made excuses, and I bought into them. I always have. She went to yelling because she didn't think I listened to anything else, I'm sure. Now I don't listen to that, either. At this point, I have to admit to often not really caring if she is happy or not. That said, I have been trying to do a better job on some of the household things that need to be done, bt I am doing it for me, and not her.
Ali, I get what you are saying about collusion. And at this point, you are probably correct. I am not even sure I would want her to move back to "our" room at this point, I'd just be watiing for her to leave again. And the eggshells would make such a mess. Thinking about his, I am wondering if I just want her to leave? Maybe a C can help me get to the bottom of that, too!
Trasnformer, I understand what you mean about reacting differently. Yelling back would be wuite the change, I am not sure I have ever yelled at her! I think I might go with calmly saying I'm not going to listen to that, and leave. What's the worst thing she can do if she doesn't like it, leave? If I tried the hug, and "beautiful, beloved" thing she would gag! She told (asked?) me some months ago to stop calling her by the pet name I'd used for 23 years. Were you around for the attempt at a kiss thing? No, a hug is a bad plan.
There may be a W in there somewhere, Transformer, but I don't see any obvious evidence. I try to look for it, even, and I can't find it. I'm tired of it, this, her, me.
Thanks so much to all of you! You don't know how much I appreciate each and every one of you!
