Oh Kissak, I wish I had an answer for you. I think that one day it just all kind of clicked for me. My best guess as to why that happened is that I was finally loving myself. Once that happened I had more love for my H than I could have imagined. This time, though, it wasn't the kind of love that caused me pain. And yes, that meant being able to let him go if it meant that he would be happier. I am not saying that it didn't hurt, but overall I did feel good about having that kind of unconditional love.
My best advice is don't say those words if you don't truly mean them. And it is ok if you just don't mean them right now. It is a process. All of this is.
I have to tell you, I can hardly believe it is me typing these words. I would have never thought I could have gotten to this place. Like I said before, I was befuddled by Betsey when she said these kinds of things!
I was so scared to let go because part of me knew that if I did I had a good chance of not only outgrowing my H, but also finally realizing that I deserved better. I know that probably sounds crazy, but I was so afraid of coming to that conclusion. I didn't want it to be over, even though I can look back and see I wasn't happy in the marriage.
The funny thing is that in letting go I found new things about both my H and I that I love even more. I am most proud of getting to the place of being able to look at him and say, "I love you enough to want you to be happy, even if that doesn't include me." That was a tough thing for me. REALLY TOUGH. Oh, and he knew it. He felt like I was holding him hostage. How much do you suppose that made him want to be around me?
What befuddles me is when we let go...they do not??
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
I think that when they truly feel that you have let go they can finally begin to open up. It is not as scary anymore because nothing is expected of them. My H was afraid to talk to me when I was in "have to save this marriage" mode because he could almost see the wheels in my brain turning each time he said something to me. I was like a robot: "He said this. Fix that. Check." It wasn't who I really was...I was just constantly trying to "fix."
When I let go I finally began to truly listen for the first time. I didn't try to fix- I just worked with him the best I could. He started to feel a lot more comfortable with me, and he began sharing more.
I see you struggling with this stuff on your own thread, Jeannette. I know you want to know "why now???" I can't answer to that because I am not resentful because of all of this. I am thankful. It sucked, and it hurt, but it made me a better person. Why now? Why not?
I hope that doesn't sound trite. I am just so at peace that things will work out..whichever way they need to. For right now, I am enjoying getting to know my H again. This is the first time I was willing to take it slow. I wish I could have seen the benefit of this a long time ago! I guess I had to lose everything to stop holding on so freaking tight, though.
Yes, I struggle with this every single damn day. I know what used to be. I don't know what will be.
He really opened up to me the last 2 conversations CMNM (thank you for reading) I am trying so hard to understand....actually I do understand. I'm just frustrated. Sigh.
I don't have a problem with "why not". I spose he still has a way to go. LOL.....I am literally snapping rubberbands to keep me from calling or contacting him!!!!
He FINALLY shared so much with me the other day....I think he's on hiatus again.
I'll shut up now. I am causing trouble and I don't mean to but well it's HARD!
Thank you again.
CAGZ.....sorry if I hijacked
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
My H is one of the ones who would have a HUGE mind-blowing conversation with me...and then disappear. He really needed his "cave" time to think. I never understood this. Then, one day (not too long ago) he made a comment which stopped me in my tracks. I suddenly needed to be alone. ME! Alone! I am the one who can never keep my mouth shut. But what he said hit so close to home for me that I needed to really think about it before I could even respond. In that moment I understood his need for that time too. I had never needed/wanted it before, so his need for it pissed me off and drove me absolutely crazy. I just couldn't get how someone would need to think before answering a freakin' question!
Your XH sounds as if he has lots to process. Keep snapping those rubberbands and let him! It may not be the way YOU handle things, but you gotta let it happen. Don't think of it as "hiatus." Think of it as "think time."
Now I feel bad for reading and not posting to you. Sometimes I just don't have anything worthwhile to add. It would have been nice if I had said this, though: I'm pullin' for ya, Jeanette. So, consider it said.
Oh Kissak, I wish I had an answer for you. I think that one day it just all kind of clicked for me. My best guess as to why that happened is that I was finally loving myself. Once that happened I had more love for my H than I could have imagined. This time, though, it wasn't the kind of love that caused me pain. And yes, that meant being able to let him go if it meant that he would be happier. I am not saying that it didn't hurt, but overall I did feel good about having that kind of unconditional love.
My best advice is don't say those words if you don't truly mean them. And it is ok if you just don't mean them right now. It is a process. All of this is.
Pam,
Wow. I WANT to be there, I WANT to love myself enough and be sure enough in myself to love him enough to truly let him go. I know I'm NOT there yet, but I want to be.
<control freak alert> How long??? How long for me to love me? How long before the "faking it" become "making it?"
In another post you said:
Quote:
Cagz, this is such a departure from who I once was. The old me would have gladly held him hostage if it meant my life didn't have to change and people didn't need to know that my H didn't love me. I am really ashamed to admit that, but it is true.
Oy. This must be a control freak thing. Cause I SOOOO relate to this. I have a huge fear of change.
Pam, I understand your hesitance to give anyone false hope, but your last few posts have really spoken to me. Thanks.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
it's HARD!