So don't overthink the who...its more about the why and that is her deal.
Grumpy's right. Do not make physical comparisons between you and OM. Looks have absolutely NOTHING to do with it.
When I found out about my H's EA, after the initial feelings of devastation, my first thoughts the very next day were, "What does she look like?", "Is she some pretty, petite little thing?", "Does she look the way I used to before we had children?", "Does she have a body to die for?". It was killing me to think that my H could be physically attracted to any other woman besides me. After 3 kids, my body wasn't exactly what it used to be, but I still always took pride in my looks, especially my face. I have always received flattering compliments on how 'pretty', 'beautiful', and 'sexy' I am.
Well when I finally saw the OW, I was utterly flabbergasted! OW was NOTHING like what I imagined she would be. She was shorter than me, very pudgy, seemed to be having a terribly bad hair day, and not very attractive in the least bit. It was at that moment that I realized my H's A had nothing to do with the way OW looked. It was about what she offered him emotionally. She gave him the emotional, friendly support that I stopped giving him myself just a year before.
I would refrain from any and all R talks with your W, as you said yourself, unless you want to push her away. I really think you ought to make yourself less available to her if you'd like to see positive results towards possible reconciliation. I know you want to be around her and it's hard to refuse any time with her, but as others have said, she's got the best of both worlds right now. As long as she has that, she will remain on the fence, fully admiring the view.
Just my two cents.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
